A Non-Asshole's Guide to Interacting With Assholes

It’s one thing to have to deal with bad drivers, rude retail workers, and overzealous mall walkers, but it’s the people closest to your life that pose the greatest threat. From best friends to sisters-in-law to playground moms, the attack can come from anywhere. Next time you find yourself navigating the waves of passive aggression, feel free to use the following guide:

Someone says: “Sorry, I’m just super competitive.”

Translation: “I’m always on the lookout for an opportunity to make myself look better by destroying another person’s self-worth.” How You Should Respond: “No, you’re just an asshole.”

Someone says: “You’re so lucky you wear a size Large. I can never find things that fit me.”

Translation: “I am skinnier than you. Did you know that? LOOK AT MY THIGH GAP, I’M AMAZING.” How You Should Respond: “Your thigh gap is an asshole.”

Someone says: “I’m Type A, it has to be this way.”

Translation: “I have control issues. Probably because I dislike everything in my life, so the very least I can do is act like I intended it to be that way.” How You Should Respond: “Know what that ‘A’ stands for? Asshole.”

Someone says: “Bless your heart.”

Translation: “Let’s wrap this encounter up so I can go start texting about you to all my friends.” How You Should Respond: “Bless your asshole.”

Someone says: “I’m this way because (FILL IN THE BLANK) happened to me.”

Translation: “It’s come to my attention that people don’t like some aspect of my personality because it makes them feel like shite, but I have no intention of changing. It’s fun to be a bitch!” How You Should Respond: “No, the only explanation is that you are an asshole.”

Someone says: “My personality type is INFJ, so…”

Translation: “I’m judging you.” How You Should Respond: “Your personality type is ASSHOLE.”

Someone says: “Wow, it seems like you’ve been super busy lately.”

Translation: “You haven’t liked any of my recent selfies on Facebook and I’m starting to question everything about our friendship.” How You Should Respond: “Ain’t nobody got time for assholes.”

Someone says: “Sorry this is setting off my OCD right now.”

Translation: “You are a slob and your life is a wreck and I’m going to discuss this in detail with all our mutual friends.” How You Should Respond: “Sorry this is setting off my Asshole Alert right now.”

Someone says: “I don’t mean to be a bitch, but…”

Translation: “I’m about to be a bitch.” How You Should Respond: “No, what you mean to be is an asshole.”

Someone says: “Well I hope it all works out the way you want.”

Translation: “You will fail and I will be there watching and tweeting about it.” How You Should Respond: “What I want is to kick your ass… hole.”