A Man's Guide to the Subtle Signs Your Woman Has PMS

Based on the number of times men ask women, “Uh, is it your time of the month or something?” it’s clear that, no matter how obvious we make it, there’s still some reason why guys can’t figure out when ladies are PMSing.

Or maybe they just enjoy getting the evil side-eye before we roundhouse kick them in the nuts. Whatever.

Either way, in the interest of women’s sanity (and men’s safety), here’s a quick guide to figuring out if your lady friend might be a little hormonal thanks to her impending lady time — and how to survive.

PHASE 1: Early Warning Signs

So your wife or girlfriend has started inhaling chips like they’re made of oxygen and chasing them down with slightly melted tubs of Chunky Monkey? Here’s what to do:

1. Do not mention any potential connection between the 4,562mg of sodium she just consumed and her complaints of feeling “ugh, so bloaty.” It will not end well for you.

2. Check the bathroom trash. Are there half a dozen hot pink panty liner wrappers crumpled up in there? Then buckle up, my friend — you’re definitely headed for PMSville, and it’s gonna be a bumpy trip.

3. Speaking of the bathroom, she’s going to be in there a lot. She’s probably constipated, or she’s staring in the mirror crying because she can’t figure out how she got so old, or she’s having trouble concentrating and just can’t remember what she went in there for. Whatever it is, you don’t want to know, so don’t ask.

PHASE 2: Physical Symptoms

I know, fellas, I know. Her rack looks amazing. But just because her Twiggys have swollen into Dolly Partons doesn’t mean she’s looking for extra attention in the area — this is no time for groping. Ballooned-up boobs are extremely sensitive, and not in a good way. Do feel free to look, though; we’d rather you stare at our amazing cleavage than glance up a few inches and notice that our faces are broken out like we went bobbing for apples in a deep fat fryer.

And let’s not forget fatigue. We understand, this one might be a tiny bit harder to detect because being “OMG so tired” is pretty much the female default setting, but try to pay attention. Is she falling asleep while you’re talking? I mean, more than usual? Getting her uterus all plumped up for a little zygote that may or may not even show up is tough work, so just wipe the drool off her chin and let your lover sneak a quick nap. You can ask her all the important questions, like which refrigerator shelf the ketchup is on (it’s ON THE DOOR, by the way), when she wakes up refreshed enough to tolerate your presence again.

PHASE 3: Damage Control

Think, guys, think — what does your woman really love the most? Whether it’s flowers, chocolate or a midsize sedan, bring it to her, tell her how nice her ass looks in those stretched-out sweatpants and then back away slowly. If you’re lucky, she won’t suck you into a conversation about baby names before you leave the room, because even if you two haven’t had sex in six months, there’s a 98% chance she’s pretty sure she’s pregnant at this point.

PHASE 4: Hang in There

Here’s a little known fact, men: We hate PMS as much as you do. Do you think it’s fun to get brain-meltingly furious because our sunglasses suddenly don’t have exactly the right amount of tint and DOESN’T THE SUN KNOW HOW MUCH MY FUCKING HEAD HURTS RIGHT NOW? followed by uncontrollable sobbing over a tampon commercial because we hate tampons but love every woman on earth so much it hurts and want to immediately go outside and hug them all on a windswept beach? It’s not. It’s not fun at all.

And that’s why we get so angry when you complain about it; we’re just sooooo sorry you don’t care for it when we’re crabby but SUCK IT UP ASSHOLE, we’re the ones who have to live it.

The good news is, it can’t last forever. The only nice thing about Aunt Flo finally showing up with all her disgusting, leaky luggage is that (usually) her arrival means the crankiness and cramps subside a bit.

However, don’t let your guard down. Even when you start to see rows of her underwear hanging over the shower curtain with the crotches rinsed out, indicating the nightly ritual of her vagina somehow completely missing the gigantic Extra-Long Overnight Pad With Wings despite the fact that it’s larger than the queen-size mattress she slept on, you’re still not entirely safe. Sure, you survived PMS, but there’s still the potential for a case of DMS (During Menstrual Syndrome).

Because as emotional as we might get thanks to all the hormones and physical discomfort of PMS, actually being on our period is pretty fucking irritating, too (see: rinsing out your underwear every morning). Your best bet? Just deal with it, and tell her how amazing she is for going through this hell every single month just so our stupid species can continue to exist. You’re welcome.

Now pass the chips.

Related Post: I’ll Take My Period Now, Please