8 Things I Miss About Pre-Baby Life

Every now and then – say, every hour, on the hour – the responsibilities of motherhood get kind of exhausting and we find ourselves daydreaming about the good old days when we had firmer bodies and more free time. It might not be the sort of thing we bring up at play group, but it happens to the best of us. I love my kids like I love oxygen, but I also really miss the freedom that came with being childless. Sure, I had responsibilities, but I also didn’t have to factor tiny humans into every single one of my plans and it was way more glorious than I realized. Once you become a mom, you miss the big things, like sleep and not having stretch marks slicing across your abdomen, but there are other things you think about too. Here are eight things I miss about my pre-baby life:

1. Being able to be careless with money.

Ahh, the good old days when you could drop $150 on random make-up and stick-on nails, and the worst consequence was having to get someone else to buy your drinks on Friday night. Unless you’re loaded (in which case, hi, we all hate you and also can we come over?), babies tend to change your financial picture. What was once fun money is now more like “holy shit we need every dime of this because we have to pay for all the things” money. I hope you like your wardrobe because you’re not getting a new one until your youngest is 25.

2. Never having Goldfish in the house.

Or in the car. Or at the bottom of the diaper bag. Or smashed into the couch, stroller, high chair, and dining room floor. I remember a time when my existence was blissfully free of those smiling orange devil snacks. It was so clean and crumbless. Also, I never got stressed out mid-afternoon and ate 4,000 of them.

3. Staying up late without worrying about the consequences.

Even your weekends have a bedtime and an absurdly early wakeup call. Staying up until midnight to watch that last episode of Orange Is The New Black might seem like a good idea, but you’ll wish you hadn’t in the morning when someone pounces on your head at 5 a.m. and starts begging for snacks.

4. Never watching poop come out of someone else’s butt.

You know when you open the diaper and they’re not done going yet, so you just sit there and watch it and wonder where you went wrong? Either that, or they’re a little bit constipated so you have to coach them through it like you’re some sort of poop doula and their poop-baby is crowning? Yeah, life used to not be like that.

5. Always being in the mood for sex.

Once upon a time orgasms were the height of pleasure. Now I’m so exhausted that sleeping actually sounds more pleasurable. I never thought I’d get to a place where ZZZ sounded more exciting than XXX, but here we are. Kindly don’t touch me because the kids will be up any minute.

6. Never needing to worry about camel toe.

Maybe I was just lucky, but prior to kids my vulva didn’t try to ingest my clothing. I could wear any sort of pants I wanted without fear. Now, I put on a snug pair of yoga pants and it looks like they’re being vacuumed into my uterus. What gives? When did my vagina turn into a Venus Fly Trap? Also, why wasn’t that in any of the books?

7. Not knowing what the hell a Caillou is.

What is it? I’m still pretending I don’t know just to piss off my kid.

8. My ass.

Oh, perky bottom, parting is such sweet sorrow. It’s a scientific wonder how my ass got simultaneously larger and flatter at the same time, but it happened. Sure, I do squats, but that doesn’t change the fact that my derriere looks like I’m smuggling a side of flapjacks out of an IHOP. Maybe my Venus Fly Trap ate my butt too and it’s up there with the crotch of my pants, sitting on a bean bag chair in my uterus having a beer.