7-Year-Old Calls 911 In A Panic Because She Touched Her Elf On The Shelf

This panicked little kid called 911 over an Elf On The Shelf emergency.

The Elf On The Shelf is a “charming” Christmas tradition, according to the book, but the little kid in this latest elf fiasco seems anything but charmed. Isabella LaPuerta, a 7-year-old from New Jersey, called 911 yesterday after she accidentally touched her elf and dissolved into a panic.

The little girl told NBC New York she was throwing a ball when she accidentally knocked over her elf. Thinking she was going to “ruin Christmas,” the little girl frantically dialed 911 and explained that she had an accident and needed her dad. She then panicked again because the cops, by law, have to check out any call that comes in from a child. In a recording of the call, she can be heard yelling, “Don’t come to my house! Don’t come to my house!”

LaPuerta’s mom, Lynanne, woke up from a nap to find her distraught daughter trying to “shoo” a cop out of their house. She tells NBC her daughter was “hysterical crying” and “didn’t want to get in trouble.” Luckily the cops were understanding and assured Isabella that everything was going to be fine. The officer even radioed back to headquarters, “Isabella is going to be fine. She touched the Elf On The Shelf. She won’t call 911 again.”

After catching up on all the details of this story, I have to ask: are we done with this shit yet? I mean, this this is supposed to be fun. Who’s having fun here? It’s certainly not the parents who have to come up with new, ever-more-outlandish scenarios to put this thing in every night. It’s not the cops making house calls over elf-mergencies. Maybe it’s the little kids who are so fucking terrified of doing something that makes their elf-demon snitch to Santa that they think they’ve ruined Christmas every time they make the tiniest human error.

Actually, I think it’s the kids who are having the least fun of all.

This is our first year doing the elf, and more than once my four-year-old has had a meltdown because she’s worried about what “Flower” (our elf) is going to report to Santa. This morning, she refused to go out to the kitchen to eat unless I came with her because “Flower watching me is kind of scary sometimes.” Boy, am I glad we caved to peer pressure and introduced this little smiling minion of Satan into our holiday repertoire.

The thing is, freaking little kids out isn’t fun. It’s not a charming holiday tradition, or even a delightful and “magical” game. There’s nothing adorable about a small child being so panicked over accidentally touching a toy that she calls the cops and dissolves into hysterics. Maybe we should all back away from the “elf idea” Pinterest boards for a second and consider how shitty this forced tradition really is.

The Elf On The Shelf may be a beloved and non-horrifying part of the holidays for some families, but for the rest of us, I think it’s high time we send that little bastard back to the North Pole and ask for a restraining order.