20 Signs You’re An ‘Older’ Mom

Actress Brigitte Nielsen, age 54, gave birth to her fifth child in late June, prompting many women on social media to say she’s an inspiration to have a child later in life. Statistics definitely show that more moms are having children later in life than ever before, a fact that’s obvious by simply taking a look around at playgrounds, day care centers, PTA meetings, and in Hollywood.

Older moms are everywhere. For me, it was indeed a startling revelation that I had to navigate my son through kindergarten while at the same time deal with my body going through changes and challenges I’d never envisioned.

I had my third son when I was 38, making me one of those moms who have children when they are over the age of 35 — a group the medical establishment has dubbed “advanced maternal age.” Thank you, medical establishment. I just hate being dubbed, don’t you?

Being a mom at any age is a remarkable and rewarding journey, but, in this youth-obsessed society, it can be frustrating to be an older mom. The best way I deal with it is to keep a sense of humor and commiserate with other moms in the same situation.

So with all of us “older” moms in mind, I’ve compiled a list of signs that you are a mom of a certain age (especially if you aren’t one of those Hollywood older moms with personal trainers and plastic surgeons.).

Signs You Are A Mom Of A ‘Certain Age’

1. You notice that all the TV programs you watch have commercials for incontinence or the Scooter Store.

2. You swallow your pride and go ahead and buy the damn bathing suit with the skirt.

3. You know just enough about social media to accidentally “like” something on Twitter or Instagram that embarrasses your teenager.

4. You wonder who in the hell set up the early starting times for middle school and high school because you are running on fumes. They talk about teens needing their sleep?

5. You wear large necklaces just to distract people from noticing your facial lines.

6. You find yourself taking your 10-year-old-son and your 85 year-old mother on vacation together. Sandwich generation vacation.

7. When you get up from the bleachers at your child’s basketball game, your knees won’t cooperate like they used to.

8. Your period is now more like a comma — or a question mark.

9. You dread going to bed because of all the stuff you have to put on your face at night. And on your neck. And on your décolleté. Who the heck knew they even had a décolleté? I didn’t until I heard it on one of those infomercials for wrinkle cream. Basically, it’s your neck and cleavage area. Yet another body area we are expected to keep smooth and firm. Damn it.

10. You always take your sunglasses with you to hide your droopy eyelids in case someone takes a photo.

11. Your bathroom cabinet contains sensitive toothpaste, ibuprofen, acetaminophen, pain relievers, migraine medication, tension headache medication, back and body ache medication, vitamin D, fish oil, calcium chews, and 20 different kinds of wrinkle cream.

12. The teen idol you used to have a crush on when you were little is now 75 years old.

13. You sometimes forget to make dinner for your youngest child since he’s the only one left at home.

14. You watch those extreme makeovers on shows and write down contact information for the plastic surgeons.

15. You get really pissed off when the female store clerk — who looks about your age — calls you “sweetie.”

16. Your make-up concealer you used to dab on your face here and there to cover the flaws has suddenly become your overall foundation.

17. You switch from an OB/GYN to just a GYN.

18. You go to a PTA meeting hoping that you’re not the oldest mom there.

19. You cannot be trusted with a credit card during infomercials about wrinkles or weight loss.

20. You haven’t read directions for anything the past three years because the print is too small.