11 Reasons Pumpkin Patches Are The Worst

‘Tis the season for pumpkin patches, or as parents know them—muddy fields of torture. You show me a parent that loves the pumpkin patch, and I’ll show you how I avoid them.

I haven’t always felt this way. In fact, before I had kids, I’d never been to a pumpkin patch, but after my daughter was born I succumbed to the pumpkin-pressure, and you know what happened? I spent $60 on pumpkins I ended up carving myself, and everyone cried, that’s what.

Can we all just agree there are better ways to celebrate the season? How about a bonfire, or a costume party? Or maybe we all just stay home and avoid each other?

What happened to getting your pumpkins out of the bin at the grocery store, like when we were kids? My dad would have set his front teeth on fire before he spent $60 on pumpkins. Not to mention, I can’t recall a single photo of me and a pumpkin from my entire childhood, and I’m a fully functioning member of society.

So yeah, you guessed it, I’m not a fan. Maybe I’m the Scrooge of Halloween, but I don’t care, because pumpkin patches are seriously the worst. Don’t believe me? Here are 11 reasons pumpkin patches are total bullshit.

1. False Advertising.

Those pumpkins weren’t all grown in that field. I’ve witnessed the pumpkin people “restocking” the field. That’s right, you’re paying $32 a pound for pumpkins from a grocery store, probably.

2. Goats don’t want you to pet them; they want to eat trash and climb things.

And why am I paying 50 cents for 6 pellets of dog food to feed those little bastards? Can’t we just watch them play on their man-made garbage-mountain for free?

3. The actual pumpkin patch is full of busted pumpkins.

Because some kids don’t give a shit about setting them down gently, apparently. Here kids, take your pick from this random oblong gourd or 65 lumpy pumpkin that are oozing rot.

4. Pretty sure they haul in dirt from all over the country and then hose it down right before everyone arrives.

Enjoy dragging your wagon through this field of molasses and sadness.

5. The entry fee.

Why is there an entry fee when everything but the Port-A-Potty costs money? And even that has a line.

6. The screaming.

90% of the kids are screaming and there is always one little asshole throwing sand, corn, or straw at every other kid around them.

7. There is no alcohol.

Even if there were, it would probably cost more than a trip to Disneyland.

8. The bounce houses are stuffed beyond capacity and everyone leaves that inflatable nightmare in tears.

If you want a fat lip or a poke in the eye, the pumpkin patch bounce house is where it’s at.

9. Mazes are over-rated.

Your kid will have to poop or be “done” with the corn maze long before you have any idea where the exit is. Oh, and it’s muddy, and cold.

10. Lines for days.

Every activity has a line of kids who don’t want to wait in a line. But don’t worry, you only have to wait 20 minutes before you pay $5 to pet an old donkey.

11. They’re scary — for all the wrong reasons.

Let’s just say, the guy driving the tractor for the hayrack ride always looks like he might not bring you back out of the woods.