10 Things I'd Rather Get For Valentine's Day Than Flowers

Men. They can be a bit, well, clueless when it comes to gift-giving, especially on Valentine’s Day. Red roses? Boring. Chocolates with anything other than peanut butter inside? Ick. It’s time for guys to stop thinking of the traditional Valentine’s Day gift route and realize there are many other things we’d rather have than flowers and chocolate…

1. Grocery Order Delivery Service. Going grocery shopping with children? Not happening once you have A) more than two kids or B) a toddler who is a runner.

2. Box of Wine. Yes, I realize that a nice bottle of wine may have cut it back in the pre-kids day, but times have changed. Now I need a box. Trust me.

3. Full Body Massage. (But not from you.) Husband massages leave me feeling guilty and like I need to reciprocate. No thanks. I’ll take mine from a trained professional who doesn’t expect a blow job afterwards.

4. Weekend Away…For You and the Kids. I don’t care where you go. Just go. I’ll be perfectly fine at home by myself with that box of wine and some Bravo.

5. Hall Pass. Totally unrelated to #4, I swear, but every mom needs that list of celebrity crushes she’s allowed to bang in the extremely unlikely (but still totally possible!) circumstances that she’ll meet one of them. On my list: Adam Levine, Chris Hemsworth, Norman Reedus, Justin Timberlake, and Charlie Hunnam.

6. Lock on the Bathroom Door. It’s not that I care if any of you see me poop. I don’t. It’s just that bathroom time is my precious alone time. I’d prefer my showers solo rather than having kids climb in fully clothed because you can’t keep them out of the bathroom for 15 minutes.

7. Tickets to a Maroon 5 Concert. See #5. Oh and you’re not invited. I’ll bring a girlfriend.

8. Get Out of Sex Free Cards. Listen, I like having sex with you, I really do. But there are some times when I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I’m really not in the mood. It would be nice to just hand you a card that tells you that, no questions asked.

9. Laser Hair Removal. It’s only fair that you gift me this one, because you’re the only one who cares about my hairy nether regions. Shaving down there sucks and waxing’s a bitch. Buy me laser hair removal and it’ll be the gift that keeps on giving.

10. Vasectomy. “Surprise! We don’t have to use condoms/birth control pills/pulling out/the rhythm method anymore. I took care of it!” Magic words that every mom who is DONE having kids would love to hear.