10 Reasons I’m Jealous Of My Big-Breasted Friends

I am a card carrying member of small boob club. No really, they make you a card when you turn 16 and then no boys will date you. It’s probably true. Luckily for me, I found a husband who says, “It’s all about the nipple,” and my life has not been ruined by my lack of mammary tissue.

But here are some reasons why I’m still jealous of my big-breasted friends:

1. I have heard so many times that big-breasted women do not like all of the attention. WHY NOT!? I love attention! But maybe that’s because I’m small and have tiny boobs and if I go out with my friends I’m sometimes mistaken for their flat-chested little sister.

2. My babies loved cuddling with my mom more than me. Why? Because she has big boobs and they could finally snuggle into a soft, pillow-y cushion instead of trying to find comfort with a bony sack of ribs.

3. A woman wants to feel like a woman. Boobs are like the hallmark of being a woman. There is even a theory that men stare at breasts to subconsciously figure out how fertile the woman they are attached to might be. They look at me and subconsciously think of the Sahara Desert—or an ironing board with nipples.

4. Bras. There is a myth going around that small-boobed women have a better selection of bras. I think there must be some middle-ground, perfect-boobed women-unicorn-creatures who are actually getting all the good bras. Little bras often gap and do weird things, too.

5. I read that big boobs can help keep you afloat in water and will actually keep you warmer! No wonder I’m always so cold and drowning all the time.

6. Promotions. I also read (a probably very sexist and incorrect article) that big-breasted women get more promotions. Well, if some dude wanted to give me a promotion because I had big tatas, why the heck not? Boys get promotions because they have balls, right?

7. Breastfeeding. Hey, I get that whole “don’t want to smother your child” thing. But, I also wanted my boobs to be able to reach my baby without having to become a contortionist. When I was breastfeeding, there were a lot of pulley systems and pillow shenanigans happening, just to get my little ones up to nursing height.

8. I have no excuse not to exercise. Even if I forget my sports bra. I can still do it, sadly.

9. Dressing up. Before we go out on a date night, it’s just me, some duct tape and a dream.

10. I have no reason to ever say, “Hey mister, keep your eyes up here. EYES UP HERE, BUDDY.” Nobody’s eyes are ever going south except for maybe my husband’s, in the hopes to get a glance at those fabulous nipples.

So there you go. I know that I would probably get tired of having big boobs pretty quickly so, I will keep the ones that I have. And besides, I’m a rock star at the limbo.

But, voluptuous women of the world, please appreciate your curves, the small boob committee members envy them.