10 Lies I Plan to Keep Telling My Children

Honesty is great… for people without kids.

I always thought of myself as an honest person, until I became a mother and realized that the ability to tell a half-truth (can we all agree that that sounds better than “half-lie”?) is a survival skill.

At some point, I figure I’ll have to come clean about things like the Tooth Fairy and where babies come from. But there are a few lies that I plan to keep telling to my kids . . . forever. Lies like these:

1. We first tasted ice cream when you were three-and-a-half and tall enough to reach the freezer door. No, seriously, it was a remarkable coincidence. The day you were finally able to stand on your tippy toes and prrrry that door open happened to be the first day we bought ice cream. Before that, our freezer was just stocked with lots of bags of frozen peas.

2. Daddy and I never considered getting a dog. Not even once. Not even if we had been unable to get pregnant with your little sister. We certainly would NOT have bought a golden retriever. Or a lab. (That said, feel free to call little Emma something like Spot or Puddles if it helps fill the void. She won’t mind.)

3. The following things will make you sick immediately: Tasting another child’s food, drinking the water in your bath, swallowing your gum, and licking anything in a public place. And, YES, the playground is a public place.

4. Speaking of the playground– yes, it really does close down when the sun sets (or Mommy gets cold). It’s the law. You don’t want to get arrested, do you?

5. What you see in your jack-o-lantern bag is EVERY. SINGLE. PIECE. of Halloween candy you collected. Is it possible you miscounted . . .? Well, okay then.

6. No, Mommy and Daddy are NOT very old.

7. Mommy and Daddy put you to bed at the EXACT same time every night. Once you learn to tell time, you’ll be able to see this for yourself. Although it’s possible that our clocks might have stopped working by then. And we’ll have to rely on Mommy’s watch.

8. Mommy and Daddy sometimes spell things when you’re around to keep our spelling skills sharp. So that we can teach you to spell. Once you learn to spell, we’ll probably stop practicing.

9. It’s okay if Mommy uses certain special words when someone cuts her off in traffic. You will be allowed to use those words when you get your drivers license. But only in the car.

10. After you kids go to bed, all Mommy and Daddy do is pay bills, check email and do the laundry.

Oh, wait. I guess that last one is true.

Dang.

What lies do YOU plan on telling forever?

Related post: 18 Lies Moms Tell Their Kids to Stay Sane