10 Facts All Parents Hide From Their Kids

1. We have no clue what we’re doing; we make it up as we go along. We were regular people and then we had kids. That is the extent of it. There is no preparation, no rulebook. Just because we are older and bigger doesn’t mean we know what to do.

2. We talk about you behind your back. It sounds intrusive and unfair but there is no way around it. It’s different to personally go through puberty (et all…) than to watch it unfold before your eyes. We try to keep a straight face and pull ourselves together best we can. But when you go to school, I call my bestie and spill it all.

3. Sometimes we hate punishments too. Taking away your electronics for a week sucks for us too. Big time.

4. You didn’t break us in. Second, third and fourth kids don’t get away with more because you “broke us in.” We’re just too fucking tired.

5. Just because we have kids doesn’t mean we necessarily like all kids. No, we don’t like all of your friends. Some are annoying or bossy and piss us off.

6. We do have favorites. The good news is the chosen one is chosen on a weekly, daily, hourly basis and it’s all in your control. You slide yourselves into home plate or get stuck on the bench all on your own. Usually the “playtime” winds up even in the end.

7. We’re bored of our cooking too. Some of us liked, even loved to cook. Before you came along. The reality of having to feed you three times a day, seven days a week for, like ever, has sucked all of the joy out of cooking.

8. 73 seconds. That is the amount of time we are happy to be home after an adult only vacation. It is the time in between us walking in the door (getting hugs and kisses) and the whining and tattling (making us want to walk right back out for another week).

9. We lie to you when you’re little. “The market was all out of those crackers you like. The kid’s cd must have been thrown out accidently when I took my car in for service. Zappos doesn’t have the light up sneakers in your size. Or the character sneakers.”

10. We hate Caillou. All of us.

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