Going From One To Two Kids Was A F*cking Tough Transition

I’m just going to say it: Going from one kid to two is a fucking game changer.

It’s not just double the work like I had anticipated. It’s more like quadruple.

During pregnancy, I remember someone telling me that going from one to two kids is exponentially different, and although I didn’t understand what they meant at the time, they were spot on: 1 plus 1 doesn’t equal 2 in the world of kids; it equals 5, most days. Someone always needs something, you never have a moment alone, and your patience is constantly being tested.

You are being pulled in a million directions, and your way of doing things when you had one kid just doesn’t work anymore. It takes complete restructuring and a new perspective. You can kiss the mom that you were goodbye, because you are basically becoming a new mom. “That bitch” who could paint her toenails, while chatting on the phone and giving her only kid a bath, is a faint memory. You are now outnumbered, so you will always be tending to two people, and things will be falling apart more than they are coming together. To sum it up: It’s a shitshow. So much changes that I for sure wasn’t prepared for in the least.

Marriage will look different.

I’m going to be brutally honest here: Your spouse will annoy the crap out of you most days, because you are just too damn tired to deal with another human being. All the attention goes to the kids. And when you are in the same room together, it resembles more of an assembly line than actual quality time. When your spouse comes home, you don’t want to gaze into their eyes and talk about their day. You want help. It’s man on man, and you will spend a majority of your time dividing and conquering. In fact, your quality time together will consist of trying to watch the same 30-minute show, uninterrupted, that you have been attempting to watch for three weeks, and discussing things like your newborn’s poop consistency and if your older child might have a gluten allergy.

Someone is always sick.

If it’s not the baby, it my 5-year-old. If it’s not my 5-year-old, it’s me. If it’s not me, it’s my husband. There is literally not a week to date when someone hasn’t come down with something. They don’t even ask for our name or insurance information when we walk into the pediatrician’s office. We just get an apathetic, “You’re back.” I feel like we should just bring our sleeping bags and camp out there, and stop the fucking charade.

Me time.

Let’s all take a moment to laugh at this one, because me time is an absolute joke once you have more than one child. Your me time will consist of a trip to the grocery store where your husband texts you 20 times asking you things like, “When did the baby last eat?” and “So, what do we put the baby in if we are out of diapers, hypothetically?” You end up running out of the grocery store with nothing on your list because all you can think about is your baby shitting all over your freshly steamed carpet.

Your firstborn will turn into a monster.

Okay, monster is a bit harsh, but they will become more needy, difficult, and defiant. You have to work 10 times harder to get them to do anything because they are used to having your undivided attention and being catered to 24/7. Throwing a new child into the mix makes them try 10 times harder to be noticed. The “Look at me,” and “Mommy, watch this,” will be at an all-time high. I highly suggest earplugs and a lot of wine. You will also need to be on your toes because there is a fine line between your firstborn trying to hug your baby and strangling it.

You will never get out the door.

I have always prided myself on being prompt and even early at times, but after having my second child, I have realized that I will never be on time again. I have even started our “leaving process” 30 minutes before we are set to leave, and we are still late. Someone always has to use the bathroom, gets hungry, and of course, loses a fucking shoe. I’m hoping I get it together by the time my son is in kindergarten, because these days, tardiness is considered “neglectful” and is really frowned upon.

If you find yourself going from one kid to two and are having a hard time adjusting and wondering what the hell happened to your life, just know you are not alone. It’s hard. Real hard. The people who tell you having two is easier because they entertain each other are fucking liars or people who just want you to join in their misery. Don’t fall victim to their trap. Just kidding. Having children is the most beautiful and amazing gift. We are #soblessed.