Trump Launches Monthly 'Big League' Subscription Box (For Us To Poop On)

A Trump subscription box can be yours for $69 a month

At a time when he is under multiple investigations, his party is unable to pass any meaningful legislation, and both sides of the aisle are questioning his fitness for the presidency, Donald Trump has decided this would be a great time to move some merchandise by offering his supporters the Trump “Big League” monthly subscription box. It’s yet another well-timed and thoughtful decision by our fearless tsar.

For all those Trump fans who have decided that they are going down with this ship, or for those entrepreneurs who know that twenty years from now Trump memorabilia will go for a pretty penny on Ebay, Trump’s Make America Great Again Committee (because, like a circle, the Trump campaign has no beginning and no end) has started a monthly subscription box — you know, like Sephora. Or Bark Box. Or The Moss of The Month Club.

“But Scary Mommy, how does it work?” you scream in horror? Well, for just $69 a month (because of course it is) the Trump campaign will send you “a handpicked bundle of exclusive and vintage Donald J. Trump merchandise delivered to your door every month as a recurring donor.” Let’s translate that for you: “You’ll get a box of leftover crap we have from the campaign that’s currently sitting in some warehouse somewhere not making us any money. A minimum-wage worker with no health insurance will pick out some mugs, pens, and bumper stickers for you at random. There will be repeats. But, in all fairness, how many more months could we possibly have left of this, anyway? Pence 2018.”

It’s neat that they’re calling it the “Big League” box as a way of pretending that Trump has some sort of self-aware sense of humor about himself, which he most definitely does not. But if you’re willing to pay $828 a year for a box of this man’s old dusty crap, we’re guessing you believe a lot of impossible things, like Ted Cruz’s dad being part of the JFK assassination, or that the Russia story is a made-up hoax, or that Melania touches her husband more than is contractually required.

But no, seriously, enjoy your box of garbage. No, we mean it. It sounds like it’ll be super great and a sound financial decision.