58 Things I Want My Teenage Sons to Know

If your life is filled with boys staring into the precipice of adulthood, stay right here and read on. Here is what I want my teenage sons to know…if they ever start listening.

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1. Having good friends is a blessing. Being a good friend is obligatory.

2. Females have a better sense of smell, need I say more?

3. Covering your tracks uncovers a faulty character. Real men own up to their mistakes, apologize and try to put things right.

4. Do not photograph your private parts. The picture will end up in your grandmother’s Facebook feed and I promise you, you do not want to go there.

5. You are not what you eat, or what you drive or where you live. You are you. And if that is not working out for you, changing your diet or car or home will not fix the problem.

6. Clean is sexy. Thoughtful is sexy. Being blindingly drunk is pathetic.

7. Video games may not make you violent, but they certainly do not make you a better son, student or friend. Play them sparingly.

8. Sleep will not solve all of your problems, but not sleeping will create new ones.

9. Make NYTimes.com the home page on all your devices. You will be smarter for it.

10. Junk food is for teenagers, by the time you are twenty you will find your body wants real food. Give it what it needs.

11. Playing sports will make you happy and healthy. Keep games in your life.

12. Choosing a spouse is the most important decision you will ever make, do not let your heart ignore your head, nor vice versa.

13. If you are shopping for clothes and wondering if you are the kind of guy who can get away with a certain trendy style, then you most certainly are not.

14. Saving a few dollars on a bad haircut is something you will regret instantly.

15. Your girlfriends, the women who befriend you, love you, and will never sleep with you, will be some of the most important people in your life. Treat them beautifully.

16. Never let your siblings down, they are irreplaceable. They will be your longest friendship in life and, one day, will be the only people who remember your childhood.

17. When you have the nagging feeling that your parents would disapprove of what you are about to do, pause, make sure you are completely sure you have answered for yourself all the questions they would ask. Then proceed, using your own judgment.

18. Your 20s are the time to discover your tolerance for risk, don’t pass up the opportunity when you get there.

19. Spend the extra few dollars to buy decent shampoo. And deodorant.

20. Own two perfectly pressed white shirts. You never know when a job interview or a girlfriend’s parents will arrive.

21. Own lots of underwear, it will ultimately determine your laundry schedule.

22. If you sleep with a girl, contact her the next morning, even if it is just an emoticon. And if you even think of pretending you don’t know her, envision my face.

23. Buy gifts for Valentine’s Day, birthdays, and any other special occasion that arises. Little nothings, bought with care and thought, go a long way to making a woman feel like she is on your mind. However, if she shows a hint of disappointment that you did not spend more money, drop her.

24. When you get the chance, be the kind of boss, teacher, father and friend that you had, or wish you had.

25. Finish what you start. That goes for tubes of toothpaste, expensive entrees, and commitments you have made to others and yourself.

26. You are only as good as your word, anyone who says otherwise has proved my point.

27. Technology will not make you happy. The people it connects you with will. Do not confuse the two.

28. When a woman sets out to change you, head for the hills, unless it is on matters of hygiene, exercise or diet, then hear her out.

29. Your manners will say everything about you and will reflect on your parents every day. Don’t make us look bad.

30. Life will disappoint you. People will disappoint you. You will disappoint yourself. That’s why you have parents, to help you deal with those disappointments.

31. Piercings for men will go out of style, if they haven’t already. Don’t be fooled into believing otherwise.

32. Aspirin, water and black coffee solve a multitude of problems. Either together or apart.

33. When clothes shopping with a woman do not tell her that she looks great in everything, it destroys your credibility. Do not tell her that she looks terrible in something, it destroys your relationship. Tell her what makes her look great, it is a message that few women tire of hearing.

34. If your friends are jerks, you will not be far behind. Choose wisely.

35. Be nice to your parents, it will be a long time before you can afford your own ski vacation.

36. Answer your mother’s texts promptly, or as long as you want her to keep paying your cell phone bill.

37. With shoes, quality always wins over quantity. Ditto suits.

38. Toothbrushes do not last forever.

39. Learn to swing a golf club, shoot a pool cue and cast a fishing rod, it will come in handy.

40. Do not ever use your physical size to intimidate anyone, male or female, unless it is in an organized game of sport. If you do, I will send you back to the cave where you belong.

41. Drugs will make you stupid, waste your money, introduce you to people you do not want to know, get you in trouble with the law, and become a habit you might find hard to break. Am I clear?

42. Smile in all photos and show your good side, you never know where the picture will end up.

43. If you get a rash or a cut or a burn, photograph it and text it. Moms diagnose, even digitally.

44. When you come back for a home cooked meal, your old bed and laundry service, remember to bring a good attitude. These things are not your birthright.

45. Calling your parents for no special reason is always, always a good idea.

46. If you only share the good and never reveal the bad, no one will really know you.

47. Never assume anything about another person’s wealth, health or happiness, all too often we are mistaken.

48. Put the seat down, don’t argue, just do it.

49. Your girlfriend or wife may be your best friend, and I sincerely hope she is. But living with her will not be like living with your other best friends, behave accordingly.

50. The Social Network was right, the Internet is written in ink. Remind yourself of that every time you touch a keyboard.

51. If you think you are ready for children but are not sure, get a dog.

52. No one is ever completely ready to be a parent, it is always a bit of a leap.

53. It is best to have children within 50 miles of at least one grandparent. In parenthood, emergencies are the rule rather than the exception.

54. House gifts will always be remembered and appreciated so never accept a dinner invitation or weekend’s stay without a small token of gratitude.

55. Soon enough you will be in a position to help those younger than you. Offer a hand up quickly and generously.

56. Remember that you are a product of your upbringing and schools. Show gratitude and loyalty for the teachers and institutions from which you graduated.

57. Check your mail! As old-fashioned as it may seem, there are some letters that must be opened. Letting things pile up only creates nasty past due surprises. Grappling with paperwork is one of adulthood’s biggest but unavoidable headaches.

58. Be the kind of person others turn to with their troubles. People in pain seek out those with good hearts.

Some moms pine for girls. They spend decades grieving for the daughter they never had. Thanks to you, I was never one of them.

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