A Dad Lists 5 Ways You Can Make Your Child's Tantrums Worse

When you’re a parent, there’s a lot you sign up for that you can’t really prepare for. Sleepless nights, constant vigilance, and, of course, temper tantrums.

We know they come with the territory, but I don’t think any amount of parenting books can prepare you for the feeling you have when you’re carrying a wailing toddler out of a store over your shoulder.

But while you can’t exactly prepare for it in the grand scheme of things, there are things you can do to make the situation better for everyone involved. And Gabriel Hannans (@the_indomitable_blackman), an educator and registered behavioral behavioral technician, has some guidance on how to not make tantrums any worse than they have to be.

“You’re not causing tantrums,” he writes in the caption of a recent TikTok video. “But you might be feeding them without even knowing it.”

Rushing to fix it

Obviously this parental behavior makes sense. Hannans acknowledges that between the noise and the judgment from other people, you just want to do everything in your power to shut it down quickly. But...

“If we shut them down too fast that energy doesn’t go away — it just builds up like a shaken soda can,” he explains. “And eventually, inevitably, it’s going to explode. Instead, take a deep breath and ride it out. If you’ve taught emotional regulation, prompt them to use that. But remember: you don’t have to fix the feeling. Let them feel it. Just be there calm, like their emotional anchor. That’s the fix.”

Using shame

“We’ve all heard it: ‘big kids don’t act like that,’ or ‘you’re embarrassing me.’ But that stuff hits deep,” he says. “It teaches them that they’re bad, but you’re not teaching them how to handle the situation or what to do differently.”

Instead, Hannans suggests validating their feelings. As with adults, just being seen and feeling understood can go a long way.

“Let them know that their emotions aren’t the enemy,” he offers. “It’s what they do with them that matters.”

Setting Inconsistent boundaries

Hannans thinks this might be the number one issue he sees feeding into tantrum behavior.

“Kids pick up on [inconsistent behavior],” he explains. “If pushing worked once, they’ll continue to test that theory again. They are natural scientists.”

He suggests having certain “non-negotiables” that are important to you and that you know you can stick with in any circumstance. “That consistency builds trust.”

Trying to use logic mid-meltdown

Because children in the throes of a tantrum are “in full survival mode,” they’re just not able to hear or understand logic. “That’s like trying to explain taxes to someone mid panic attack,” Hannans suggests.

“Instead,” he continues, “focus on getting them calm. Use soft tones and fewer words.”

If you can model or lead them in deep breathing, that’s going to be helpful. Then, once they’re calm, you can have a more cerebral, reasonable discussion.

Ignoring triggers

If you know your child doesn’t do well when they’re hungry, thirsty, tired, or just has a daily meltdown at 3 p.m. for whatever reason, do your best to recognize the patterns, prepare for them, and work around them whenever you can. Not doing so, Hannans says, “is like walking into the same pothole every day wondering why your ankle hurts. If your kid is tired, hungry, and overstimulated and you decide to take them to the store, you’re setting them up for a tantrum.”

Keep a mental note of when tantrums happen and find the commonalities. Once you can identify the patterns you can either avoid them all together or at the very least prepare by packing along a snack or something to mitigate things.

Coping with your child’s (normal, developmentally appropriate, and inevitable) tantrums is never easy. But with a little bit of understanding and preparation it can get easier over time... for both of you.