10 Ways Newborns Are Evil

Sure, you love them, but babies are evil. Boo! It’s Chucky. JK! It’s babies.

1. Newborns sleep all day and drink your bodily fluids. So do vampires.

2. Poop that looks like soft foods? Thanks for ruining mustard, pudding, and hummus, babies.

3. During the daylight hours, everyone will touch your baby with their nose-picking fingers. Your baby will wait until 3 am to Linda Blair on your jammies.

4.The only thing as scary as the sound of a crying newborn is Nickelback.

5. You are so beautiful that a man wanted to procreate with you, or you are so financially stable that you could adopt a baby. Caring for that baby will make you ugly and broke. Babies love a cruel joke.

6. Colic.

7. Only debauched people eat and poop at the same time.

8. Humans need sleep, your baby doesn’t. Logic dictates that your baby is an alien.

9. Newborn fingernails are the inspiration behind Freddie Kruger.

10. Babies need constant care and attention. If that fails call an exorcist.

Remember to sleep when the baby sleeps. They hate that.