What Moms Say vs. What Dads Hear

Moms say: Bed time kids!

Dads hear: Let’s all wrestle until you puke! Or wet your pants! Whatever comes first.

Moms say: I’m exhausted, I’m going up to bed.

Dads hear: Yay! Sexy time!

Moms say: I feel like I’m being a bad mom today.

Dads hear: She needs someone to list all of the subpar parenting things she did today and get detailed instructions in how she could do better in each situation so that she doesn’t feel this way again tomorrow.

Moms say: My sister had a baby! Her name is Mariah Nicole and she is 6 pounds 2 ounces 20 inches long. She’s a Virgo! Here’s a picture! Isn’t she the sweetest thing?

Dads hear: Some kind of baby was born to some person in our family.

Moms say: If you take the kids to the store with you, please don’t buy them a bunch of crap.

Dads hear: I love candy. I’ll bet the kids love candy too. I’m such an awesome dad.

Moms say: The kids are driving me bonkers! Please come home soon!

Dads hear: What…you’re breaking up…can’t…quite…hear…you…

Moms say: Can you watch the kids while I run to the bathroom?

Dads hear: I sure can! Shit, where’d they go?

Moms say: I spent 30 dollars on our kid’s shoes.

Dads hear: What the frack?

Moms say: I spent 30 dollars on a bottle of whiskey.

Dads hear: Awesome!

Moms say: I’m going to go take a shower.

Dads hear: Yay! Sexy time!

Moms say: Can you go wipe the toddler’s butt please, I’m cooking dinner.

Dads hear: ………..

Moms say: Should I get my hair colored?

Dads hear: Isn’t your hair already a color?

Moms say: I like those pants on you.

Dads hear: I know. I’m amazing.

Moms say: I don’t like those pants on you.

Dads hear: No way. These are awesome pants and I’m amazing.

Moms say: Didn’t you hear Junior coughing all night last night? I was up, like, 5 times.

Dads hear: Operation Pretend Like I’m Sleeping…Complete.