• EmmyinaboxEmmyinabox
    Posts: 60Member
    To spank or not to spank?

    Weigh in ladies.

    If spanking doesn't work (it doesn't here) what do you do that is effective.
  • VegasmommyVegasmommy
    Posts: 1,731Member
    I spank on the bottom or the hand. But I also get eye level with DD and speak to her so she knows why what she did or said is a no-no. She's 2 so it works most of the time. She's also at that "testing" phase so sometimes popping her is futile. In the end spanking works around here.
  • SanityIsAMythSanityIsAMyth
    Posts: 439Member
    We spanked. It was a hard decision since DH & I both had abusive mothers, but as my gma put it - there is a world of difference between spanking and beating. When mime were spanked it was always open hand on the bottom and they knew why they were getting the spanking. Now they are all teens and I cannot tell you how many times I've heard what great respectful kids I have. SIL was a "no-spank-mommy" and her kids are the spawn of Satan.
  • SanityIsAMythSanityIsAMyth
    Posts: 439Member
    *mine - not mime
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 4,186Member
    We spank, do time out, take stuff away. It depends on their mood on what works. If they are really pissy, spanking gets us nowhere! Normally just making them take a time out where they have to miss out on what the rest of the family is doing is enough to get their attention!
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    We also do time out's, take away thing's or privilage's and at times we spank. Do not spank often, only 2 this year for 3 kids. When it is necessary they know why they are getting a spanking and there is a quite period for them to reflect on things when it's over.
    We've been told that our kids are well behaved and respectful.
  • head_nuthead_nut
    Posts: 46Member
    we spank. it's on the shelf for now though and we are trying the same things we have before to see if they'll work now that K is a bit older. Time outs, taking things away...etc.
  • AnonUser23
    Posts: 2,270Guest
    I spank once or twice a year just to keep them in check (if they have done something really naughty!!). If I threaten a spanking they out to know what one is lol I think if you do it all of the time it's eventually not going to work.
  • mommymagpie
    Posts: 77Member
    I spanked. Youngest is 10 now so they are a bit old for spanking IMO. Now I take privileges or assign extra chores.
  • crazymommy
    Posts: 776Member
    If a spanking doesn't work, and it does sometimes and doesn't others, I take things away. He once sat in his bedroom for a whole afternoon with no toys at all in there for kicking his cousin in the head. On purpose.
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    Spanking isn't my first plan of action, but if my daughter is having one of those day where she feels the need to push me until I snap, I do eventually resort to spanking to snap her out of it. (seems like the less I do it, the better it works when I do!)
  • primalmommaprimalmomma
    Posts: 1,147Member
    i've made it a point to not spank unless necessary...and I made a promise to myself to not spank in anger. so, only under special circumstances will I spank....

    I'm not against spanking....but I'm looking for alternatives. I used to be the parent who would slap a hand or spank a bottom daily...but it made me feel horrible.

    it's hard with a toddler...but I remember how my mom did it.

    "natural consequences" my mother says.

    back talking or cussing? stick a bar of soap in your mouth.

    slamming doors? bye bye door, off the hinges!

    won't eater dinner? no dessert or snack or sit there for 5 hrs. ( i remember those days)

    throwing a fit in public? (this is hilarious!) my mom got on the floor with me and embarrassed the hell outta me!! I don't think I could do that one. I'm the momma who either firmly yells, ignores or makes the child sit in the car (obviously, I'm there in the car, too ...ignoring their cries:)

    not doing homework? ok, guess the tv doesn't work, friends? haha, not today.

    throwing toys? no more toys (I remember as a kid having a roomfull of EMPTY for a day or 2)

    I remember back-talking as a teenager and I got a facefull of butter. haha... better than slapping.

    standing in the corner? remember those days? *sigh*





    “I did then what I knew to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” (Maya Angelou)
    http://www.primalmomma.com
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    I spanked a couple of times but mostly I was a yeller. As they grew and i watched a lot of SuperNanny (lol) I did try her techniques and standing in the corner seemed to really work for my two. Now I just take away their beloved electronics and or don't allow them to see their GF's or go places with their friends if they've pissed me off for whatever reason.
    apsycho

  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    "throwing a fit in public? (this is hilarious!) my mom got on the floor with me and embarrassed the hell outta me!! I don't think I could do that one. I'm the momma who either firmly yells, ignores or makes the child sit in the car (obviously, I'm there in the car, too ...ignoring their cries:)"

    That is absolutely hilarious!

    2 of my kids decided to throw a fit in Walmart one day when they were 4 and 6. I promptly left the cart there in the produce department and took them outside to throw their fits in the hot Texas summer sun right by the front door (wasn't about to sit in the car in that heat) with everybody staring at them while I just sat there against the wall next to them making sure they were safe, but not talking to them until they were under control again. When they were done, I just took them back in, found our cart where I had left it, and continued shopping. They never did that again.

    As for spanking, I do it on occasion, especially if the kids are doing something particularly dangerous or something that needs immediate correction, ie. holding a younger sibling under the water at the pool. Mine are all old enough now that spanking is rare. 2 of my 3 are now bigger than me and spanking seems a bit ludicrous. Also, confiscating the electronics works much, much better.
  • OmgmetooOmgmetoo
    Posts: 579Member
    In public, I'm a whisperer. I get right in their ear and let them know that if they don't knock it off things are going to get serious. Their little imaginations could fill in the details. This would scare them in a way yelling could never do. The whole time I would have this happy grin on my face like I was telling them some wonderful secret. Lol, you do what works!
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    I don't spank. I have very vivid memories of being spanked as a child. They play in my head like a freaking lifetime movie when I least expect them. I don't remember what I did to warrant the punishment, I just remember the way I felt. Heartbroken, confused, hurt, scared, sad. I never want my child to feel like that ever. I don't think my mom would be labeled as abusive by most standards, but I harbor resentment/anger/hurt for the memories I have. My partner is 100% in agreement with me, so we are a united front on this issue which is very important to me. He was also spanked as a child, has memories of it, and doesn't want his kids to have those feelings. So for us, those are our personal reasons for not spanking our kids.

    community-manager


  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    I whisper in public too! I have lightly pinched in the store, but I hate that. I don't want to hurt them. For the 3yo, I spank if he throws things at me. He gave me a bloody nose recently, and it scared him. Now all I have to do is remind him of it. Time outs do nothing for him at this point!

    For the 8 & 6tos, taking privileges or time outs work pretty well. I literally took the tv out of 8yo ds room for a month at one point. I maybe spank then once every couple of months. It's usually because they got really mouthy and disrespectful.

    Everyone says they're really good kids, though. My family believes in spanking for everything, and I can say that truly doesnt work.
    deus ex machina
  • fuegofuego
    Posts: 1,594Member
    I actually can not remember the last time one of my kids got spanked. They're 2 and 4 and very well behaved. I think maybe the last time was when the 2 yr old threw a pair of scissors after I told him not to play with them. That's been like 6 months ago.
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    I spanked Tessa a couple weeks ago, but it was just once on her butt. I don't remember when the last time I spanked her before that.

    I think I spanked Noah a month ago?

    All 3 of mine are really strong willed. My mom broke me like a wild horse and I think that has a lit to do with why I've been controlled by so many men. I'm trying to find that balance between keeping their sense of self and teaching them to be respectful.
    deus ex machina
  • MotherMayIMotherMayI
    Posts: 65Member
    I spank once in a rare blue. Only on their butts. They walk all over me, don't listen and get outta control. But when dads home everyones listening. Dad spanked youngest last week for not listening all day and being beyond disrespectful....and he got results..me? Nada.

    My 8yr old is almost as tall as me wonder if that's why ;).

    I always try time outs, punishments, taking things away first. Spanking is last resort.
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    Sammie...me too! I remember getting spanked and I vowed I would never do it to my children. I don't understand how threatening violence or an act of violence on a child is in any way a good idea. Violence is NEVER the answer...and yes I think a smacking on the butt of a child is violent.
  • crazymommy
    Posts: 776Member
    The public tantrums were a nightmare for me for a while! I would actually get upset before I even went into a store anticipating what might happen. I broke down finally and bought one of those leash things. I always made fun of them, but seriously, my ds would kick, run away from me, throw himself down, all of it. The leash only really had to be used a few times. I would put it in my purse and get it out if he started acting up. He loved the dumb thing. He would pretend he was a dog and bark and it was actually fun for him. The looks I got from people were horrendous! Dirty looks and glares from people, and it wasn't like that u-tube video where the woman was dragging the kid through the store with it, he was obviously having fun.
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    Crazymommy: hilarious!!!!!!!
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    I personally don't understand the logic in it either which is another reason why I choose to not spank. I'm not going to implement a discipline method that involves swatting/spanking/swatting/whatever you want to call it, if I don't understand the fundamentals. Is it because it inflicts pain? If so, no thanks on that front. I don't want to purposefully make my child feel pain even when I am at my brink. I've just never wished to spank her and I have a very spirited child. That's just my PERSONAL opinion on the matter. I realize I have a different opinion than most here. This is just my 2 cents.

    community-manager


  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    I think different things work for different kids and parents. I think it's awesome you're able to not spank. I only use it as a last resort. I don't do it because it inflicts pain, so much. It really is sometimes the only way I can get their attention. Just like sometimes the only way I can be heard is to yell. I don't like either options, but they have to be at least moderately behaved at home.
    deus ex machina
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 7,057Member
    Im totally anti-spanking. Violence breeds violence, no matter how small. I was never smacked and was very respectful and dont remember any instances of being violent towards anyone else (apart from once pulling a girls hair cause she spat in my face, but that was understandable!) I was taught never hit/push/bite unless you want to be hit/pushed/bitten back. So far DS has been through a pinching stage, i pinched him back once and that was the end of it, and a biting phase, i bit him back and that was the end of it. We have a naughty corner, and i take no shit lol I dont want my son to experience physical pain, and i think he will learn to control himself better by standing in the corner and having time to process his emotions, rather than having a crazy frantic angry spanking. Obv i get angry sometimes and yell, but i will never lay a finger on my son and i would leave BF if he did. He believed in spanking, but he has seen how my parenting style gets results, and respects my decision not to spank.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • MotherMayIMotherMayI
    Posts: 65Member
    Not to stir the pot but do you really think biting or pinching back is much different than spanking?

    I use it as a last resort as well. Probably 3x a year. But its the same thing. Its to show them how it feels whether it be they bit you, or disrespected you. Its to make a point.

    I honestly wish time outs worked here, or taking things away. It doesn't. I was beaten as a child and I know the difference between an occassional spanking and a beating.

    But more power to you for not needing to spank. That's awesome. And I am not being sarcastic. I wish my kids listened! I'm always yelling :).
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 10,571Member
    I usually don't feel the need to spank my kids. My oldest is 9, I haven't spanked her since, forever! My son is 7, ditto. Good kids, both of them. My youngest at 5, is a spoiled little hellion once in a blue moon. A couple of weekends ago, we went to town for the midway. We wanted to go so bad, but it was crappy weather. It didn't open. But the weather looked like it was clearing up, so I said, well, we'll do some shopping and go back and see if it's open. In the car, the littlest could not keep her hands to herself! Kicking her sister, repeatedly. I told her I'd take away her shoes if she kept it up. And she kept it up. So I took off her shoes. So she started crying, said she'd behave. So I relented. And then she started kicking again. I told my oldest, listen. I know you tend to instigate in those small ways that annoy the heck out of your sister, knock it off. And took the shoes away again. And the little started hitting. I said ok, well, keep it up and we won't go see if the midway is open. She kept it up. I said fine, we're going home. Crying ensued. And then so did the hitting. I said, you're going to go straight to bed for a nap when we get home, because you're obviously tired. She was good for about 10 minutes. And then my oldest bursts into tears. Her little sister pinched her so hard on the neck, and lifted her up. And my oldest is not a crier. I said nothing. When we got home, I took my youngest straight into the house, straight to her bedroom, and spanked her. She got the point. She hasn't been violent towards her sister since then.

    Sometimes, a spanking is what gets through to those kids where timeouts don't work, taking things away don't work, and a good talking to don't work.
    Why be a king when you can be a God?
  • carriecarrie
    Posts: 3Member
    what i do with Cassie i put her over my lap and use my had to spank across her bottom
  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,594Guest
    I have spanked in the past and it only pissed my dd off more (she's 2). People tell me I'm not spanking hard enough, but there is no way I'm trying to hurt her! Like seriously? She's 2! Anyways I noticed when I was spanking she was more aggressive. When I stopped, her level of aggression was lowered by a lot. But I have to ask you ladies, what do I do because my bf (her Dad) still spanks and I HATE it! I did convince him to stop for a while (when her aggression levels dropped dramatically). But he won't listen to me now :(
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    My husband and I are both spankers. If our children are misbehaving, we give them a warning. "Kid A - you are to speak nicely to Mommy. We don't talk like that. You need to apologize right now. If I hear you speaking unkindly again, you are going to get a spanking. Understand?" The kids always reply yes, apologize and it doesn't go any further than that. After the apology, we will sometimes talk about how it is okay to be angry and discuss more appropriate ways of expressing it. Once in awhile, they won't listen and we have to follow through. If Kid A talks back again, they are told that they were warned and sent to their rooms. One of us will then go to the room, close the door and spank. We always spank bare bottom with a spatula or spoon. After the spanking, our children must stand in the corner for a short time. After the cornertime, we take them back into the room to discuss the behaviour and how to prevent it from happening again. As I said earlier, this almost never happens because our kids now know that there is a very clear line they can not cross. My husband and I both love our children very much and we view our discipline as loving correction. Both of our kids are happy, well adjusted and very loving. I think every parent has their own ways of doing things and everyone is doing the best they can - whether they spank or not. We don't criticize non spankers and we appreciate when others treat us with the same respect.
  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,594Guest
    I have actually learned in psychology courses that there are studies that show that spanking teaches a chilld to obey because they are scared of punishment. To behave because you are living in fear? Not right in my opinion. I thought the point of parenting was to teach values and understanding in children, not breed fear. Then the child will only behave when afraid of punishment rather than understanding why they shouldn't be exhibiting the behavior in the first place. I am not judging all the mommies out there that spank, because I have done it too. But when I was taught those things it really started to make sense to me. Much love all, just stating my own opinion about the things I've learned.
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 7,057Member
    @freedomlover thats awesome, just proves my point that violence encourages violence. If it becomes normal to be spank, why isnt it normal when they spank other kids, or hit other kids or express their anger/frustration through violence. I dont want to teach my kid that violence is ok, ever, until he is much older and needs to know how to be street-wise.
    Just for the record, i have and only ever will bite back once in his life, when he was too young to understand what its like to be hurt. He got what it felt like, and he has never done it since.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Call spanking what it is, assault.
  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,594Guest
    @irishlass that's exactly what I think too. It must be SO confusing for little ones to be spanked, but yet told not to hit others, being told it's bad. Huh? Well then why do you hit me mommy?
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 7,057Member
    Exactly!! I was ALWAYS told, do unto others as you wish to be done unto you ( i didnt know it was from the bible, we werent ever sent to church, just taught the morals!) So dont hit anyone unless you want to be hit back, be kind to someone and you will be rewarded with kindness, and if you get treated with nastiness then turn the other cheek, show you are a good person in the face of adversity.
    Im not saying i practice it all right all of the time, but if everyone did their best to practice this then the world would be a much better place. Spanking doesnt make sense to me at all. Assault may be a slightly strong word(!) but i get the drift, it seems mean to me, i would have a very very hard time spanking my child and feeling ok with it, it all seems a bit brutal, no matter how calmly and gently you do it.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • notsoanon
    Posts: 16Member
    I wish people would not say things like "i spank their hand" or "i swat their bottom". Say what you are really doing. "i hit my kids". I think that would get more people's attention to what spanking really is; brutal violence perpetrated upon a smaller person by a larger person.
  • My3Boys
    Posts: 85Member
    We use all different methods with our kids. Oldest DS (8) get items taken away, mainly his tv, game systems, or chem set. For him that is what works best. The middle DS (6) gets stuff taken away, time outs and spankings, just depends on what works that day, but spanking is never the first option. The most effective for him though is to get down on his eye level and tell him firmly "let's go, you and I are gonna have a come to Jesus meeting" He knows that means he is fixin to get in trouble and that if he doesn't change what he is doing wrong than he will get punished. Youngest DS (4) gets timeout or spankings, he could care less if you took away every item he has, he would still sit and play with a scrap of toilet paper for hours and be fine. For him, the timeouts work best.
  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,594Guest
    I have spanked my daughter too, but it just doesn't work with her. And it is a lot of work coming up with other ways to discipline her, but her behaviour improves when I'm using other methods than spanking.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    LOLing @ My3Boys "gonna have a come to Jesus meeting"!
  • Meg
    Posts: 346Member
    Hmm...I think for some kids it works and for others it doesn't. If it works you may only have to really spank them once because then they know you mean business. I am one to take things away, to ground, to force them to stand/sit in the corner, just cause I am not a violent person. I am always told to spank my son because yes sometimes he is horrible, but I can't bring myself to do it...yet. Some day maybe, but not yet. I try to talk to him and figure out what the heck he's thinking. The other day he did something uncalled for and I just flicked his ear. It shocked him so much it got his attention and he straightened up! I thought it was funny that it actually worked! Some day I may need to have a "come to Jesus meeting" with him and don't want him to be numb to the pain or the idea.
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    I was spanked as a kid, but whether or not I felt abused depended on who did it. My mom RARELY felt the need to resort to it & when she did we were more than fairly warned & she just did it & called it taken care of. My dad on the other hand, didn't warn us, made a huge production of it, & basically would drag out the whole situation. Like above minus the spatula/spoon & plus an endless lecture afterward. (but no offense, it probably would have been different if we were adequately warned & it wasn't for any little reason) & that did feel abusive & make us fear & avoid him. Funny thing is, in the long scheme of things she got much better results than he did!
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 10,571Member
    For parents who think that spanking is assault, well...assault is what my kids get when they perpetrate it upon others, specifically, their helpless siblings. Talking back, well, I talk faster. Make a mess, they clean it up. Get sulky and pissy, they go to their room. Direct consequences. You hit/pinch/kick, you get a warning. If it builds to something more, then you get spanked. The world is a physical place, with physical people.
    Why be a king when you can be a God?
  • booboodutchessbooboodutchess
    Posts: 1Member
    I tried spanking, didn't work. He just looked up at me and laughed...so we dont spank its pointless, started using the timeouts, no tvs, or toys. That worked.