Cutting
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I have noticed a few cutting confessions and having been there myself I thought it might help those who still struggle with cutting. People often have misconceptions about cutting and sometimes assume anyone who cuts wants to kill themselves but this is not true. For me whenever I cut I felt a release. It felt like the pain was trickling down my arm, but in reality it was the blood. For me it was therapeutic. I haven't cut myself in a few years now, am on anti-depressants, and going to therapy. My scars are a subtle reminder of when I screamed in silence and I am not ashamed of them. I ask that this thread please stay a safe place for those who deal with this. Please don't input your negative opinions or judgments on things you do not understand. I still have the urge to cut. I sometimes long to feel that release of emotion and pain but I when I look at my daughter, the urge disintegrates.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I think I may have started this... I am the person on the confessional who hadn't cut for 7 years. After sexual abuse, unbelievable pressure from my over-achiever parents and bullying in school, self-harm, coupled with anorexia, was my only way of dealing with these issues.

    Anyway, my DS's daddy collected him the other day & asked if he could leave his work bag in my house as he didn't want to drag it around all day while he was bringing our son out for the day. He went through it before they left to get his wallet etc. and discovered he'd accidentally brought a box cutter with him (out of work). The minute I saw it, I felt all those old feelings come back and my heart started thumping (a box cutter was my 'tool' of choice). I grabbed it off him and said I'd put it away for "safe keeping". I have since given it back to him, but before I did, I toyed with it for a while, stabbing myself with the tip of it. I cannot believe these old feelings have come back. Even though I gave it back, I am SO tempted to go buy one. I often pass them in my local hardware store, but just look the other way. Anybody got any tips? Also, what do I say when my DS starts asking about my scars? My arms and stomach are covered in huge scars. They look like white/pink worms (yuck). He already refers to them as my 'lines' but eventually he's going to start asking questions :(
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I am PP. Yes, for me it was a release and my 'silent scream' as the OP so perfectly explains it. It also served as a way to feel anything during times I was so numb that I could not feel anything, either emotionally or physically. Right now I want to do it so bad.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Ladies, please be strong! You've come sooo far and done so well, you can get through this tough bit, too! If you need some encouragement, don't be ashamed or afraid to ask for it from those who love you. YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!! Since you've dealt with cutting before, you are probably already familiar with the group, "To Write Love On Her Arms"... but if not, give them a look at www.twloha.com. Saying a prayer for you, girls, hang tough.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    OP here, to 3:01 I would suggest keeping a picture of your son at the ready. anytime you see a box cutter, use your sons picture to find your reality that he is worth not grabbing that blade. Maybe record him saying, "i love you mommy" on your phone or something so you can play it whenever you get the urge.

    As far as what to tell him when he asks about your scars, that's a tough one. I'm sure i'll be faced with the same thing when my daughter gets old enough. I think I would tell her that they are sad memories from mommies past. I don't know. I've been there. I keep a knife in my nightstand. It makes me feel safe to have it even if I don't really see myself using it. I'm here if you need to talk.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    The scars I see authenticate that I breathe.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I am sorry for you ladies that feel the need to do such things. I wish I cold give you a hug and make it all better. I dont know what its like to endure such things. When i feel like im losing myself, i just change my hair color or apperance drastically. Hugs and love and kisses and prayers!!
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I never cut myself, but got close. I bang my head, or used to, on anything hard: walls, door frames, hair brushes, my fists, when really stressed/depressed/freaked out. I am now on an anti-depressant that works for me and I feel much better about life. I have learned that sometimes the med you're on isn't the right fit for your system. Speak up and get it changed if you feel the need to do so. I have a supportive partner now that knows my secret and has actually seen me do it, he stopped me and held me until the urge passed, while transitioning from one med to another. Things get better ladies. You are strong, beautiful, wonderous women who have survived unbelievable abuse. Keep your head up and call yourself a survivor EVERY DAY. Reach out as you have done here to survivor groups or others who have experienced similar abuse if you are able. Don't knock yourself for a minor relapse if it happens. Tomorrow is a blank page for you to decide what you will do and what you will not do. I am sending all my love and white light to you all.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I think my husband was once a cutter. He has a TON of terrible scars on his upper arm. Every time someone asks about them, he comes out with some kind of outrageous story, he fought a tiger, got attacked by a crocodile, etc. and then blows them off. I have asked him, and he has admitted doing it to himself, but the way he says it to me as that it was all at once, when he lost his daughter. I think he really went to a dark place then, and did it over time, because there are so many scars, if it were once, he would have bled to death, or it would have healed differently. I sometimes wonder if he'd do it again, but sincerely doubt it.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Sometimes I feel like my husband will never understand what it feels like to want to cut yourself. He's very stern and 'if it's broke fix it' kind of man. I wish he was more compassionate and loving.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I don't remember the first time I cut myself. For some reason, that scares me.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I cut for relief. I feel an enormous release of tension. Then I feel numb. I'd rather feel numb than insane or not good enough. The pain that lingers while it's healing is comforting.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Thank you for the words of wisdom OP (I'm 3:01). As I said in the other cutting post, the urge has lessened slightly today, because I vented here possibly?
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    You are welcome. Talking about it really does help.
  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    So proud for you , I have a niece who WAS a cutter , she is now a college Senior on the Deans list , helps other cutters and is the most beautiful young women . We surrounded her in a program with a Native American twist White Bison as we have some heritage . We all are addicted to something , truth be told . I wish you lots of love
  • Babymakesthree
    Posts: 498Member
    Cutting is an addiction, a release, a relief and a burden. One I have been struggling with for 13 years. I have had a hell of a time trying not to lately. About ready to give up, except im pregnant.
  • Babymakesthree
    Posts: 498Member
    Any scaries out there with coping mechanisms?
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    I started this thread in June 2011. It makes me so happy to see that it's still being read today. My coping mechanisms have varied. I've used smoking, painting, running, singing, going for a drive, crying, screaming.... Everyone's different, it's important to find whatever works for you without harming yourself.

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    For many people, cutting releases endorphins.  While I don't really understand feeling the need for doing this, I do understand the need for endorphin release, we all need that feel good rush.  There are, however, many other safer, more productive ways to release them:  heavy exercise, CHOCOLATE...yes, chocolate!  

    If you're cutting yourself, then you need help.  Someone mentioned it's an addiction, and I suppose that's a pretty accurate description, but as @unforgiven said, it's important to find something that works that isn't going to harm you.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • Babymakesthree
    Posts: 498Member
    Normally I would smoke, but I am in my third trimester of pregnancy. For the past few days ive been drawing, witing, coloring, maing lists of reasons not to but im just becoming more overwhelmed each day. So ready to give up, to give in but I know I cant. Constant self battle and im sick of it
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    @babymakesthree you are stronger than you realize. Please don't give in. Think of your little love. Do you have any ultrasound
    Pictures? Maybe if you cut one out and
    Put it into a locket? Whenever you feel the urge just open the locket and remind yourself that you are so loved. Your baby wouldn't want to see their mommy hurt.

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • TheHeadacheslayer
    Posts: 2,472Member
    I am a cutter. I started in high school and the last time I cut was a few months ago.

    I have to be careful of triggers. Seeing it on TV, reading about it (I was reading some psychology books) CAN trigger it so if you feel the urge STOP what you are doing and do something else.

    I've had to lie to doctors and say they were cat scratches.

    I realized the other day I have exacto blades, came with some nail art (You use them to cut fimo sticks for nail art designs). and yeah I felt my heart race. But I haven't done anything.

    It is NOT because I want to kill myself just releif. I was not allowed to cry growing up. That's when the cutting started in HS--my grandfather had died--the first time I ever lost a loved one--and 2 days after the funeral (it was the day after xmas too) I was told by my dad "Stop crying".

    So not only did I learn how to cry silently (even now I can cry HARD and not wake up my husband next to me) but cutting let out the pain and fear and anger. I wasn't allowed to be angry at my parents either so extreme anger can trigger it now.

    A VERY excellent book--to be read ONLY if you are doing well--is called A Bright Red Scream. WARNING: IT CAN TRIGGER CUTTING so might be best if you read it with a therapist or someone you trust. It helped me alot.

    I am ALWAYS here for anyone struggling. I am NOT a professional whatsoever. But I understand. Find something that uses your hand--nail polishing, art, punching a pillow, doing bicep curls with a weight and TELL someone how you are feeling--no matter how negative you feel it is, GET IT OUT in a HEALTHY way!!

    Love to everyone 
    :x