Sh*t I do to my husband
  • It's a well known fact in this house that I love to drive my husband absolutely nuts. I figure, if I'm going to be married to this person forever, I might as well have fun with it.
    Some of my favorites:

    -he's a red head, so I hover my hands over his crotch and say, "Ooh it's nice and warm down there!" until he notices.

    -he's a big sports fan, and I can't stand to watch games. When he's watching his favorite team I'll ask things like, "Which one is (insert fave team)?" or "Who picked those colors? They soo clash." Or I'll just blatantly cheer for the other team. That way he goes to watch it in the bedroom.

    -He asks about my day and doesn't pay any attention to what I'm saying. I like to throw shit in there to catch his attention.
    ex: "Oh, we went to the mall, got a bite to eat, I pleasured myself in Macy's.."

    I could go on forever.

    I want to know what you ladies do to drive your SO cuckoo bananas..cause you know you do it!

    Go!
    Get me a damn beer.
  • AKimiBAKimiB
    Posts: 1,809Member


    -he's a red head, so I hover my hands over his crotch and say, "Ooh it's nice and warm down there!" until he notices.
    Go!



    =))

    I can't come up with anything from the top of my head. Too early for me. I'll get back at you. ;)
    SMSM_s_5 photo SMSM_s_5_zps5d122d86.jpg
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    =))

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • runbitchrunrunbitchrun
    Posts: 907Member
    I hate sports too, so i always comment about the outfits, the bad hair, did you know he slept with this actress? Or I'll pull out the ol' Zoolander, "who's winning the match?" Drives him nuts.

    And you made me spit out my morning tea with the crotch story. @notsohotmama
  • Yes, @runbitchrun! I drive him absolutely nuts when he's watching a game. You think he'd have learned his lesson by now. Zoolander..lol!

    In addition to the crotch story.. When he's shaving his face and lets the water out of the sink, it always leaves this ring of red hair. I like to run in there and sing "Ring of Fire".
    When he is cutting his hair in the bathroom I ALWAYS go pop a squat on the toilet and hover over the pile of red hairs and say, "So glad you built a fire. It's freezing in here."

    He hates my guts.
    Get me a damn beer.
  • Cmon, @akimib, @unforgiven..you guys gotta have SOMETHING! It's our job as women to make our SO's life as miserable as possible :p
    Get me a damn beer.
  • AnonUser23
    Posts: 2,270Guest
    Every. Single. Time. My DH is bent over picking something up I either stick my finger in his ass or kick him. He does the same thing to me. We are on to each other since we have ben married 7 years and have been known to put our hands over our asses while going up the stairs if we are going up together.
  • PuffalumpPuffalump
    Posts: 219Member
    I told him I gave up caring for Lent.  So when he got mad about something the other day, I said, "Nomally I'd care but...I gave that up for Lent."
  • AnonDHnDad993
    Posts: 85Member
    DW is a red-head. Called her 'fire-crotch' the other day; she laughed out loud.
  • Mommyp
    Posts: 43Member
    I change the channel from my iPad when he has the remote!!
  • AnonDHnDad993
    Posts: 85Member
    Which all started some time ago when while we were watching the news she wondered if a NBC reporter's curtains matched the drapes. CRACKED Me UP. Now, every time she does a story, DW saying that is the first thing I think of, regardless what's happening on Capitol Hill.
  • @handtowellady - I do the same thing to my husband...but not EVERY time. It's a sneak attack. We can be in the middle of a convo walking up the stairs and I'll do it. It's funny to watch him cover his ass and run up the stairs sideways.
  • AnonUser23
    Posts: 2,270Guest
    @LivinTheDream it's not even something I can control lol ! If I see that his ass is vulnerable I must do something to it.
  • @LivinTheDream @handtowellady =))
    The ass attack is the best! When my hubs bends over, I goose him and make a raunchy farting sound. He gets SO PISSED. I can't control it, either. My hand MUST GOOSE THE ASS.

    @anondhndad993- that is awesome! Poor redheads get such a bad rap. I LOVE red hair! Husband lovingly call me a "Ginger-lover" :D

    @puffalump, you gave up caring LMAO!

    @mommyp, GENIUS! Dear LAWD, I wish I had that app!
    Get me a damn beer.
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,917Member

    @mommyp im so looking into an ipad now! awsome!!!

    i wait till dh sits down to ask him to grab something for me, he sighs then gets it. then when he sits back down i ask for something else lol.

    when the PSP is on my nerves it 'disapperes' for a week or so in a place he will never find it, in the kids room!

    i ask tons of questions durring sporting events, the only problem is he now thinks im interested so he answers!!!

     

    i want a nap. and some chocolate. who's with me?!
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,848Member
    i totally try to stick my fingers in his butt when he goes up the stairs infront of me, most of the time he refuses to go up first now

    i tell him he farts in his sleep (he doesnt normally) then i laugh at him all day about it

    i tell the kids to attack when he gets home 

    a couple of times of woken him up and told him that i heard something and for him to go check...then once hes up and looking ill ask him to get me some water
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • runbitchrunrunbitchrun
    Posts: 907Member
    a couple of times of woken him up and told him that i heard something and for him to go check...then once hes up and looking ill ask him to get me some water

    @kmetz44... genius, absolute genius
  • He claims he hates curry. Therefore in all of my foods lately I've secretly added curry powder. Then I wait until he goes "Oh wow this is soooo delishh" and then I tell him about the curry. 
  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,410Member
    On weekends my husband cooks breakfast and dinner.  When he asks me what sounds good I answer with, "Food, you know what I like".  I do the same thing when our son asks what we're having for whatever meal.

    I'm sure there's more, but that one comes to mind first!
  • LA_PygmyHerderLA_PygmyHerder
    Posts: 1,230Member

    DH shaves his head. So occassionally when I'm cleaning and he's been sitting on his ass at the computer I'll "shine the dome" whistling.

    I do the ass slap every time he's going into the shower accompanied by a "Nice ass!" He generally scowls and grumbles hiding his butt till he's in the shower.

    I steal his cups. He calls me the glass fairy.

    I pick on his age. He's 17 years older. I call him such things as "dirty old man""crotchety old fart, set in his ways"

     

  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,410Member
    HA!  That reminded me of a few things @LA_PygmyHerder

    I slap his ass ALL the time telling him "Nice ass!" 

    And call him a "dirty old man" or poke fun of our age difference some how.
  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,621Member

    @momofeveryone, I also ask for multiple items one at a time - or if I can't find something he will look all over the house for it and after about 20 minutes I'll say, "oh here it is on the table". Drives him NUTS.  Sometimes if I even open my mouth he'll go position himself halfway up the stairs and say, "when you work that through, tell me which direction I need to go in".

    He also HATES it when the girls and I file our nails!  If he's sitting on the couch, one of us will sit down with him for a few minutes and then grab his hand and get a few swipes in on HIS nails - he jumps up and runs away SHUDDERING.  He actually inspects the couch and surrounding tables before he sits down so we can't stash one for a sneak attack.

    Poor guy. He just doesn't have the mean streak the ladies do :)

     

  • These ALL just made my day!

    Sometimes, when I have to wake my husband up for work, I whisper something super creepy. Like, "You got a purty mouth." It doesn't even phase him anymore. He just calls me a creep and goes about getting in the shower.
    Get me a damn beer.
  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,621Member
    This is my sister's but it kills me every time - for football season, she went out and bought MEGAPHONES AND POM POMS and every game my mom goes over and they talk through the megaphones and make up their own cheers throughout the game.  AWESOME.  Her DH told my DH, "I can't fuckin wait for you guys to move back home so you and I can lock them all out of the house". Ah, but we have other plans BWAH HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    I'm more of a sadistic person.  i like to cause my husband pain.  Not a lot of pain but just enough.  :>  Things I like to do.  I pinch his inside of the arm.  Sensitive an effective.  I pluck his nose while sleeping.  >:)  Fwap his forehead.  Pinch his ass. When he's hovering and in my face I pinch his nipples.   It makes me giggle when he screams like a girl. I'm horrible I know.  But we both laugh and joke around.  its always in fun.
    apsycho

  • crazydayscrazydays
    Posts: 1,541Member
    @starrszzz I do the same thing or he'll wear shorts and I'll Yank just one leg hair LOL. We are the same way. I also do the thing when he goes to get in the car ill roll it forward or backward a little haha it drives him nuts!
  • LA_PygmyHerderLA_PygmyHerder
    Posts: 1,230Member
    OH, also DH is insanely ticklish. When he's picking on me I stick my finger in his belly button or poke his armpit. Makes him squeal like a girl "Quit dat!!!"
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    My husband is 6 years older, so I often call him grandpa just to tease him.. He will seriously get pissed if I tickle him he LOATHES it even if he laughs. I'm sure he could tell you more but I can't think of anything.

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • InsanityandChaosInsanityandChaos
    Posts: 1,924Member
    My husband started calling me "mama" when I was pregnant with DS. So to be funny I started calling him "Daddy", in a totally sarcastic way. It turned into a joke so now when we are out in a store or something I'll wait till there are people around and say "But Daddy....you told me I could get the big shiny ones", or something like that in a really whiney voice. It's hilarious watching his face turn red. Then to get back at me he will throw some lube in the cart and say loudly "babe I think you need this you were really dry last night".
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,917Member
    omg i love these!!! keep them going! its making laundry day fly by!
    i want a nap. and some chocolate. who's with me?!
  • NinLee
    Posts: 729Member
    My DH cannot bend over in front of me without me slapping his butt as hard as I can or pinching the sensitive skin right next to his balls (I call them "little crab pinches") - he now does the same to me. 

    If he's bitching to me, my response is, "Are you speaking to me or chewing bricks? Either way you gonna lose you teeth" - that normally gets him sidetracked (and laughing) and he forgets whatever he was bitching about...

    If he's annoying me while I'm busy he usually gets the, "Pick a window - you're leaving" line from me...

    When he's sitting watching TV or playing PS and I am in the kitchen,  I continuously call him.... "Babe...... Babe.... Babe...Babe...Babe..." When I get the explosive "WHAT!!!!" I just tell him in the softest cutest way, "I Wavs you".... Wait 5 minutes and start all over...

    When he's playing PS and I am bored I start with the "wet willies" and don't stop until he leaves the game... that's usually when I have to run 'cos if he catches me he holds me down and licks my whole face.... 

    There are so many more things... I've come to realize that we are more childish than our kids.... LOL... 


  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    Omg @ninlee =)) You two sound so cute though!!

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • motymoty
    Posts: 442Member

    These are so funny!!!

    I can't walk past DH without grabbing his package! lol!! I also do silly things like flash my boobs at him as he walks by.

    I love to do things to make him laugh, like if he's talking to me, I'll start licking my fingers and pretend like I'm rubbing my nipples! LMAO!! Iam very silly/immature.

  • Aww @NinLee! You guys are pweciousss! :\">

    Haha @Moty! I love it. I do stuff like that, too! Sometimes I'll walk into the room with my ass hanging half out of my pants and act like nothing's wrong.
    Get me a damn beer.
  • NinLee
    Posts: 729Member
    @Moty LOL! I used to flash my boobies but stopped after the neighbour got an eyeful   :\">

    Also like pulling DHs hairs on his legs or underarm hairs. If we at home I'll grab him by the "short n curlies" - it frustrates him because he can't get me back (just love Veet). On occasion he has grabbed a fistful of my head hair only to get, "Ooooh, yeah Baby!"

  • BlessieBlessie
    Posts: 2,108Member
    I always slap his ass after sex, in a "good game" way, not a sexy way.

    Whenever he says he doesn't feel good, I flash him, and pretend to be pissed/get my feelings hurt when it doesn't "magically heal" him, he says I would be the worst nurse ever.

    I always correct his grammar/pronunciation. But then when he tries to say something the wrong way to entice me in to doing it, I know what's up, and ignore it (even though it kills me lol).

    I nag him to get off his computer while we are watching TV/movies, but as soon as he's off, I start playing on my phone.



     
  • BlessieBlessie
    Posts: 2,108Member
    Oh, and I always pinch his nipples, which he is not in to. I do it so much DD3 has started to do it, too. Which totally weirds him out.

    I also like to go out on out back porch in the summer when the neighbors are outside and talk to him really loudly about his chronic constipation. This also applies to the grocery store.

  • AnonUser34
    Posts: 1,796Guest


    -he's a red head, so I hover my hands over his crotch and say, "Ooh it's nice and warm down there!" until he notices.


    OMG that's to fucking funny =))

    My DH has a bubble butt it's cute..
    I like to spank it, Pinch it and my favorite is to act like I'm going to stick something up his Ass I know it's mean but so funny :)) Anything to do with his butt drives him nuts all I have to do is come not even an inch from his Ass with something anything and he freaks out and goes running.. Messing with him while we're walking up the stairs is the funniest I never knew he could run so fast :)
  • shouldcleanshouldclean
    Posts: 2,808Member
    Only the bottom of my dh's feet are ticklish...when I think he he's slept too long I show the kids where to tickle daddy :)

    I pick on his age too (he isn't even a full year older than I am) It drives him crazy.

  • I tease him about having his ex's name tattooed on his butt, he did it in his late teens. Drives him nuts when I mess with it. I don't care that he has it, but he hates it. It is small and it goes unnoticed unless I poke fun of it. He has something planned out to cover it but we haven't had he money for it. My suggestion was to tattoo an X over it then add a couple more ex's names and X those then put mine on top. I thought it would be super funny. He didn't. LOL
  • NY2ATL
    Posts: 140Member
    Lol u ladies are too funny.

    I notice every little marks on his body. So I mention them every time I see them. Like the one on his nose, it's light just it kind of look like he had a nose ring. So every time I'm trimming his facial hair I ask him "did u have a nose ring before?" His answer would be no u ask me that every time u trim my hair.

    Or the beauty mark on his butt, I would say "oh baby u have a nice beauty mark right at the beginning of ur crack". His response is always u say the same thing every time u notice it.

    Or when I give him his hair cut I would say "oh baby u got a beauty mark on ur scalp" he gets tired of it. I only do it because I know it annoys him. I know that they're there. But I pretend as if I never mentioned it before.
  • NurseMom
    Posts: 95Member
    Once I gave him a wedgie when he bent over in his underwear only ONCE.

    I rub his package every night with his goodnight kiss

    I know, I'm boring
  • AnonUser29
    Posts: 1,157Guest
    -he's a red head, so I hover my hands over his crotch and say, "Ooh it's nice and warm down there!" until he notices.

    mine is redheaded too. I never thought about that! Things I do to annoy my husband... hmmm.. I leave the seat close to the wheel in the car (he is 6ft6 and I am 5ft3), I kick him hard in the shins when he snores and vehemently deny it in the morning. That is my favorite. 

  • AnonUser29
    Posts: 1,157Guest
    ^^^^totally did THAT wrong!
  • @itgetsbetter - hubcaps!!
    =))

    Ok, my DH is YOUNGER than me (by a whopping 3 years) and I constantly remind him that he's younger. "Oh, you wouldn't remember, I think that you were too young for that..." I also bought him a "Cougar Bait" shirt.

    When he starts talking shit about something I respond with "I can't hear you over the sound of your stupidity" (or shame....if he's trying to explain why he has done something assinine.
  • BlessieBlessie
    Posts: 2,108Member
    If my DH was younger than me (even by a few days), I would bust out with "respect your elders" ALL. THE. TIME.
  • @Blessie - I fucking LOVE LOVE LOVE that....I'm using it....tonight...first chance I get...

    And, I think I am going to start using it when I ask him to get things "I'm just too old!!!"

    I also do this:

    You know what I wish baby??  I get a look and then "What do you wish?" and it is 50/50 to either "I wish you loved me" "I do love you" "Not enough to go to the store and get me chocolate!"  the other half of the time it is just "I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her." Then I go back to what I was doing like nothing happened.
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 9,696Member
    Sometimes I cannot help it and I put my cold, cold hand on him when he's fresh out of the shower.  >:)
    image
    “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” ― Joseph Campbell
  • OnmylastnerveOnmylastnerve
    Posts: 1,648Member
    I'm horribly mean to my dh, his feet are ticklish so I wil wrap my whole body around his leg and tickle till he begs for me to stop.
    I pull nose hair, back hair, and butt hair hahahaha!!
    not my chair, not my problem
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    I've got to tell you all ...I showed my husband this thread and while he read, I giggled.  Then he says to me ...Great now you've got new ways to torture me. ;))
    apsycho

  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 6,043Member
    @blessie I do these also LOL

    I always correct his grammar/pronunciation. But then when he tries to say something the wrong way to entice me in to doing it, I know what's up, and ignore it (even though it kills me lol).

    I nag him to get off his computer while we are watching TV/movies, but as soon as he's off, I start playing on my phone.
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...