How did YOU get over the pain of cheating husband?
  • raspychick
    Posts: 27Member
    I thought I had the BEST HUBBY EVER! Then last valentines day I accidentally intercepted a text from his fat slut making plans to meet up again to screw bc she "loved his penis and he's great in bed"....we've spent small fortune on therapist and he's for most part remorseful (yet impatient often), but I can't kick it!:(...my heart is broken. I don't feel the same about him even though I want to but he has said really mean shit to me to during the worst trauma I've dealt with in my 35 years and him telling me his mistress is a better person than me and just as pretty as me and I'm not skinnier than her (which is bullshit and he knows it) but those hurtful things being thrown in my face SET ME BACK I THINK. He can cheat AND TREAT ME LIKE SHIT:(. I don't understand. I tried to sleep with him for first time in 3months today. I wanted him too but couldn't do it WO sobbing uncontrollably. I have no idea how to get past this bc I was so damn blindsided by him. Have also caught more smaller lies along the way that just made me trust him less and less. I don't know what I'm doing or why except that I loved our family and want to save it but not sure how to really move on or if maybe its just not in the cards for me to move on with him. 13 years and 4 kids hard to just throw away. I'm trying not to but some days I feel like its slowly killing me to do so:(! Anyone have any advice based on real life experience. After living the hell of infidelity I've realized u can never truly understand the hurt unless you've walked in these shitty ass shoes. I wish I could get hypnosis and forget. It hurts THAT BAD:(!
  • etherieletheriel
    Posts: 790Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there and it hurts...BAD. I had been in love with my XH since I was 13. 18 years later, after 7 years of marriage and 3 kids, I caught him cheating, with a 19 year old girl who was still in diapers when XH and I met. I had long suspected, just never had any proof. He tried to make it better by saying it wasn't just about the sex. LOL...that just made it worse. I too had the uncontrollable crying after sex with him. Even after I caught him, he still continued to cheat with many women and I eventually divorced him. I am a much better and healthier person now. He had me feeling so worthless with the cheating and telling me every day what a shitty wife and mother I was, when I really was a damn good wife and mother. I realize this now. Divorcing that asshole was the best thing I ever did. I realized that the kids and I were not priorities in his life, especially since he has refused to pay any child support at all and has not seen our kids in almost 3 years. I am now much happier and I have an AWESOME BF who treats my kids as if they were his own. The kids are much happier too.

    I do believe that some relationships can be salvaged after cheating, but the fact that you've caught him in other lies and you saying he treats you like shit makes me want to tell you to get out now. Yes, 13 years and 4 kids is hard to throw away. You wouldn't really be "throwing it away" anyway. The kids are still there and need you to be the best mom you can be and need him to be the best dad he can be. By all means, give the therapy a chance and try to work things out. However, if he's still treating you like shit and lying to you it may be time to rethink your priorities. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You need to do what's best for you and your kids. Sometimes, that means staying with someone who made a mistake and moving on, but sometimes it may mean getting rid of an asshole whose priorities are obviously not the same as yours.

    If I'm not supposed to do it, how come I can?
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    Please forgive me for commenting even though I can't offer the personal experience that you're looking for. I just want you to know that you have support and love here. I agree with @etheriel, your children deserve a happy mommy. They deserve to see what love looks like. You deserve to be treated like the amazing woman that you are. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Time. I needed about 5 years. He didn't magically turn into perfect husband, actually still has a roving eye, but family became a priority when it wasn't before and he doesn't treat us like crap anymore. This was the part that bothered me more than anything.

    I no longer check obsessively. The moment we cease to be a priority and he starts behaving like a dick I'll know there is a new cow in the shadows somewhere. Only this time no second chances. Not going through this again.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I have been there and it is physically and emotionally sickening.  I couldn't sleep, eat or feel anything for a long time..8 years at least.  I'd have to be drunk to have sex...and even then...it was disgusting to me. I was totally absorbed in the WHY?? I kept envisioning them...sex was no longer something for us.  I tried for several years but I was numb. I caught him a second time 8 years later and forced him to leave.  I thought it would kill my kids but I knew staying would kill me.  @etheriel stated it beautifully...THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  However, your post spells out very clearly that he wants you to think it is.  I'm not an advocate for throwing marriage away, but he doesn't appear to be working toward anything but absolving himself and blaming you.  You deserve to be happy, you kids deserve to see you happy, and if your husband can't be a part of that...it's his loss.  I am now divorced.  My kids are much happier and our household is actually a peaceful refuge from the world. They miss their father on occasion....but they do not miss the stress and unhappiness we lived with for years because of his lies...big,small and endless lies.  They have very clearly stated this...when people say "kids know" ...they really do know..long before you do! I let my EX lie and treat me like shit for too long and I'd hate to see you do the same.  There is happiness out there...and yes...You will eventually regain a happy healthy perspective on the world.. AND ...There is love to be found too...and THAT dumbfounded the hell out of me when it happened to me.  Conversation, connection and sex with someone who respects you for you.. is out there believe it or not...stretch marks and all!!  :-) Whatever your decision I wish you some peace...and remember..."You make your own happiness"    **BTW-That statement PISSED me off when a friend said it to me...but it stuck in my head and has brought me alot of comfort**  Looking back, It was the year leading up to my throwing him out that was more difficult than anything I've handled since he left.  I suspected he was cheating and I made myself sick over it until finally I proved it with cell records and threw him out. 
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    As if my previous comment wasn't long enough...but interesting tid bit...My exH is dating a nice girl I'd actually let my kids meet if the dirt ball ever felt like doing the introduction.  I still have access to his phone records online. After reading this post, I looked today for the first time in two years. He's cheating on this girl with the married pig he cheated on me with.  They still text and call each other at 2am when the bars close.  Some of them...really never do learn.
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,848Member
    DH cheated on me before we were married, but I can only imagine that it would be worse if he would do it now, BUT the only thing that helped us make it was determining WHY he cheated in the first place. (Did he feel neglected, did he not WANT to be with me, other issues, ect) Once he/we figured it out it took a few months of seperation (and figuring out arrangements for our DD) I actually went out and did some revenge dating/immature revenge and we ultimatly decided that what we wanted at teh end of the day was to be together...as a family.

    We never went to counseling, but at that time we had developed such an honest (if not always nice though) way of conversation that was raw and truthful we both didnt want to bring a stranger into it.

    Even now almost 3 years later little aspects of it still creep into my mind and it hurts, and I get mad, but it does get better as other memories are made and push that bad one a little further away. If I wanted to stay mad, or couldnt get past it, we wouldnt be together today but I knew myself enough to know that I could get over it eventually...not everyone can, and thats ok for them, you just have to decide what is possible for you!
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • i_am_a_thunderbirdi_am_a_thunderbird
    Posts: 1,672Member
    I am so sorry to hear this. :(

    I was married before I met current DH and thought I had a decent marriage. He cheated on me and was going to strip clubs behind my back and doing all kinds of other shit I found about after the fact.

    I couldn't forgive. Just couldn't do it. Obviously, we divorced.

    I had to go through a process of forgiving him the hurt he caused me so I wouldn't carry it forward with me. I never thought that just because I had one bad apple, the whole bunch would be spoiled. I knew I'd eventually find a man who would treat me right and love me, as I deserved, and I did. Took a while, but I got him!

    I cannot tell you how to forgive or even if you should, I can only say that I although I've forgiven my EX now, there is no way I could have stayed with him or saved our relationship. In my opinion, that was the ultimate betrayal of my trust, love and caring and there's no way that could have been repaired to save our marriage. For me at least.
  • jencmo
    Posts: 13Member
    It's been 11 years now, and it still hurts sometimes.  XH and I met when I was 19 and he was 21, married when I was 22, first kid at 24, married 9 years.  We had moved overseas with his military job, and about 8 months later I found him online at 4:30 am chatting with someone.  Turns out it was his high school girlfriend who dumped him because he wasn't good enough.  But it was 2 years before I found out about her.  In the meantime, he blamed me... said I put on weight after our babies (have you met my family???  None of us are skinny!), wouldn't let my hair grow long (I prefer it short... he was jealous cuz he didn't have any hair), or ... ready?  Wear thong underwear.  YOU wear it.  He tore me down, and it was years before I built myself back up, and yet there are still times....

    Found out about his stupid homewrecking whore 2 years later, and when she was googled, the dumb bitch had been to visit him 6 weeks after he sent kids and I back to the states, and she posted it online.  He hid her from me, our kids, and his mother till after our divorce was final... then I couldn't take everything from him.  But when he has his security check... I told them he was a liar, and he got passed over for promotion 3 times and then HAD to retire.  

    He married her in 2003?  Early 2004... yeah Jan, 2004.  And now they have a spoiled kid.  He has managed to alienate our kids, which, according to him, is everyone's fault but his own.  That bitch hit my son last summer (2010) when he was 15, and now ds17 refuses to visit.  XH didn't even stand up for ds.  His loss.  My kids are AWESOME!!!  and, get this, his mom still says I am her favorite daughter-in-law.  She hates his wife.  She even came to visit in September to see ds17 and dd14 perform at the first football game. (I hope that bitch sees this and recognizes herself.... hehehehe).   Just remember, when a man marries his mistress, there is a job opening.  Ain't karma a bitch.

    I have been remarried 4 years, we will be together 7 years next Monday.  But there are still times I am afraid I am not good enough, and that he will find a reason to cheat too.  My heart knows better, but my head doesn't sometimes.  I have a life I never would have had if XH and I were still together... got a master's degree, and am (supposed to be) working on my dissertation for a PhD. We never would have made it, or I would have been a basket case. My kids are straight A students, and my son just got an early college acceptance, and a partial scholarship because of his GPA.  They are totally awesome people, who I love with all my heart and am SO proud of.  XH... he will never know them, because he couldn't keep his dick where it was supposed to be, and now, with her.... she has it and his balls locked up tight.

    Forgive?  I may have been able to if he hadn't totally fucked things up with our kids.  Both of them are in therapy now.  He only knows about the 1. DD won't even talk to him on the phone... if he calls.  And he told ds he "didn't owe him anything for college."  Yes, he pays child support, but not a cent more than he is required by a court order.  Not even an extra $20 for gas.  He was in Hawaii during the tsunami warnings, and my kids found out via Facebook, and then he was alright, via Facebook.  As soon as I think maybe I can forgive him, he does something stupid again.  Last year, he got mad cuz the kids wouldn't visit at Christmas because of what had happened that summer.  He didn't send them their presents.  DS got his last month for his birthday.  DD got a card for hers.

    Oh yeah... this was about cheating.  There is a ripple effect that I don't think the cheater thinks about.  He thinks the grass is greener, but what he doesn't realize is how many people are affected and how much they are affected.  And he doesn't think about how long this ripple effect lasts.  I recently found out that she sought him out, and he was weak.  His cheating was him, not me.  But 11 years later, I am still cleaning up the mess he caused.  In case you can't tell, I am VERY angry still.... imagine how angry I was before!!  LOL  But knowing what I know now, and after that bitch hit my son, and some of the things I have heard she said.... she had better stay the fuck away from me, or I will rip the fuckin' face off of that stupid homewrecking whore.  Yeah, I am a bitch.... but that's Dr. Bitch to you.....
  • raspychick
    Posts: 27Member
    Bahahaha! Dr. Bitch! That ROCKS!;). Good for u and I'd cheer u on to rip that bitches face off, Dr. Bitch!!!;). xo
  • etherieletheriel
    Posts: 790Member

    @jencmo  wrote "There is a ripple effect that I don't think the cheater thinks about. He thinks the grass is greener, but what he doesn't realize is how many people are affected and how much they are affected. And he doesn't think about how long this ripple effect lasts...  But 11 years later, I am still cleaning up the mess he caused. In case you can't tell, I am VERY angry still.... imagine how angry I was before!! "

    This is so, so true. My kids don't know about the cheating, but they sure can tell that there dad has chosen to not be there for them in any way.

    If I'm not supposed to do it, how come I can?
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    first of all (((BIG HUGS))) I have been both the cheater and the one cheated on. I know the pain of knowing dh was with another woman. We chose to fix our marriage but in all honesty its not completely fixed. I will never trust him again. I still lean on him when I need him and use him when I don't need him. I tell him he's a paycheck and that I'm done. Our marriage is ruined and will never be the same then he'll do something or life will attack us and I feel like him standing by my side makes me fall in love all over again. 

    its hard but it is not your fault!
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    I want to comment, but I'm not sure it's quite the same situation. Looking back, it's just as much my fault as his, he just took it too far...

    He met someone on MySpace and they clicked. He said she was really easy to talk to, and very supportive and understanding, and blahblahblah. For a year, they simply communicated via emails through MySpace. And then they swapped phone numbers. Another year of the same, with the addition of texts and phone calls.

    I knew this chick was on his friends list. I was there when he added her. She's hot. I said so. And never thought anymore about it. I had no idea they were communicating any other way than a random wall comment here and there.

    Anyway, fast forward, after about a year with the  texts and calls (none of which I knew about) ... there was a F2F meeting. It went down like so...

    It was a Sunday. He had left around noon, headed back to Camp Shelby, and said he was leaving early to go visit his dad a little while in the hospital... About an hour goes by, and his XW calls. Something about the kids, and I tried to call Eric and got his voicemail. I said Ok I''ll tell him.
    I tried to call. Straight to voicemail. I figured he might have his cell off since he was in the hospital. 20 minutes later, I try again. Same results. 20 more minutes--repeat. At this point, I become concerned, because there's no way he's been at the hospital THAT long. His truck had been having issues, and I worried that he might be stuck on the side of the road somewhere. We have the Sprint Family Locator plan on our phones, so I activated it.

    GPS showed his location to be in CITY 2 hourx away from here...and NOT on the way to Camp Shelby.
    I AM secretly the head of the CIA, and I reverse lookup the address. Guess who's name is registered to that address? Yes--Miss MetYouOnMySpace.

    Cue Love flipping the fuck out.

    And all hell broke loose from there,and it's a terribly long story. Suffice it to say it was a very shitty year. I didn't handle the situation well AT ALL, and I just made things worse.

    But after a while, we both decided that we really DO love each other, and that what we have is worth saving and worth fighting for.

    We're in a better place now than we've ever been in our relationship, and I do have to say in all honesty, that we would NOT be here if all that shit hadn't gone down like it did.

    community-manager


  • @love I can totally see you becoming a raging bitch not in a bad way trust me I adore you.

    When wifey cheated I flipped out did some very bad things to people involved. Something way to long to ever type out.
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    Wow. I'm really so sorry @raspychick. I commend you for trying to work through it. I hope you know that you deserve happiness. You deserve respect. Again, I'm sorry.

    @love, did you drive to her place? As soon as you figured out who he was with, I envision you grabbing the keys. I envision myself doing the same. I guess it wouldn't be THAT simple with kiddos in the house though.

    community-manager


  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    @Kayla yes I did!

    @Sammie if there was ANYONE close enough to me to leave the kids with, I would have gone to jail. No doubt. But Spawn was about 6 weeks old when that happened... I did try, though. I called everyone IN my phone book. But those who may have been available became UNavailable once my intentions were known. That sucked ass too. I still feel like I got robbed of the "angry wife on the doorstep" experience...

    community-manager


  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    @love, yeah they probably were trying to keep you out of the slammer. I understand that, but still... It would have been epic. Plus you had a newborn and that only complicates matters. Your post partum hormones were still raging. Pair that with a scorned wife and you've got a recipe for murder! Lol. Guess it's a blessing you never could find a sitter.

    God, I bet your DH just SHIT himself when he realized you knew.

    community-manager


  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    Ummm yeah. Him and her both had a WTF panic moment, so I hear. I've still never seen her in person. I told him Friday I don't think it's fair. He scared the holy bejeezus out of Eddie, but they made up and now they're best buds and hugging on each other and shit.
    SMDH... 

    community-manager


  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I didn't. I left the fucker. After therapy and all that bullshit, he cheated again. Some people are just wired to do it. Feel sorry for his new wife.
  • raspychick
    Posts: 27Member
    I prob should give up too. BUT can anyone who's marriage SURVIVED and got STRONGER please tell me what YOUR HUSBAND DID THat made u feel better and loved again after such deep pain & betrayal?:(
  • breezybreezy
    Posts: 3,465Member
    @vegasmommy had some really good advice in an old thread on the subject... Anyone want to track it down? I can't search from my phone.
  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,594Guest
    If makes you feel any better to know someone else is going through a similar heartbreak, here I am. I trusted him more than I've trusted *anyone in my whole life. And I found out he slept with a "friend" of mine about 3 weeks ago IN MY BED. I don't know how exactly I'm going to get over it. I keep hoping it will get easier with time, so far no such luck. We are going to go to therapy too. Good luck lady.
  • Living proof it is possible my wifey cheated on me for two years straight when I said enough she didnt listen so I gave her a taste of her own medicine our relationship is now better than ever, it has been two years since then.
  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,594Guest
    Thanks for the hug @fractured... I hope the best for you too! Sorry you had to go through it, and still are. >:D<
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    i don't understand how revenge cheating can make a relationship stronger. seems like an endless cycle. who's to say when the revenge cheating stops? like in 5 years is your SO other going to be like, "Well back in 2011, you cheated on me, so now you got a taste of your own medicine." And then do you cheat on them for cheating on you for "revenge?"
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    ive only been with my fiance/baby daddy for a year and he admitted to cheating on me. he said it was because he was drunk and knew he wanted to marry me and just wanted to get it outta the way. whatever the fuck that means. im trying to forigve and forget but its so hard because he cheated just around the time he found i was pregnant. he used no condom with her. it just makes me sick. i empathize w you.
  • raspychick
    Posts: 27Member
    Ya know (not minimizing ur situation--hope it will give u comfort) but mine cheated after 12 years and 4 kids and no protection either. Multiple times--if I could choose (again it all Sux) I would choose early on instead of believing 210% in him for 12 yrs and realizing:(. I'm a fucked up mess. So sorry you r going thru this.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074

    @raspychick You've been on my mind for days.  Just wanted to let you know.  I remember that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and I do not miss it nor wish it on anyone on the planet.  Not even the pig that was cheating with my Exhole. Coming to a decision is the hardest part....Once you get there ...The work to either stay or go will keep you busy enough to lessen the nausea.

    @anon- betrayal is betrayal ....I wish you the best as well...

  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    @raspychick - My husband had an affair with a co-worker, and we are successfully reconcilied 3 years later.  So yes, it is absolutely possible for your marriage to survive this.

    The key is your husband.  He has to admit that what he did was horribly wrong (not justified or "romantic" or good in any way whatsoever), realize the damage it's done to you BOTH, and figure out what the hell was broken in HIM to lead to that mess--and how it's never going to happen again.  You have to have a remorseful, wretched, snot-crying spouse who gets the enormity of his affair. 

    Can't tell from your post, but if he's saying the other woman is pretty, smart, thin, etc. NOW--then he's still in the Affair Fantasy defending her and acting like an ass.  But if he said that stuff in the fallout--doesn't mean it now--and you are just remembering it to dig it back up and wallow in it, then you need to work on letting that pain go. 

    Having a rage/hatred for the other woman is common, and having her trigger your own old insecurities is normal.  I went through the thin/pretty/smart crap, too.  In the end I had to realize that none of that mattered!  I could be rail thin and gorgeous and Wife of The Year, and he'd still have cheated because THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.  It wasn't about me!  It was about his low self-esteem, bad boundaries, and a right place/right time for the girl.

    Anyway, it's 3 years later.  We have a 2nd baby.  I don't even think about the affair.  It's just--like a bad nightmare.  It took a lot of hard work and self-examination from both of us, but in the end, it was completely worth it.  If he is remorseful and committed, YOU CAN DO THIS.

    Good luck to you.
  • RaahemeRaaheme
    Posts: 63Member
    @jencmo  sounds like my XH who was having an affair and divorced me.

    @raspychick: it doesnt get any easier but there are red flags all over your post--girl GET OUT! One of my closest friends married 14 years, 2 kids was cheated on.  They are still friends (i dont know how but he's fairly decent and it works for them) but she got a tattoo on her wrist that says "Stronger&Smarter" to remind her everyday of the choice she made to better her life because she couldnt ever feel the same about him again.

    Me personally, it took a while and I didnt grieve properly. I drank too much, partied at the bars too much and didnt take my job seriously. I turned promiscuous because apparently I wasnt the best wife ever (which I was undoubtedly! hee hee)  It took a couple rebounds to finally get my priorities in order and, thank god for my ds not a whole lot of time, but I live by a quote every single day. "The best revenge is massive success". It helped me get over all the drama he caused and everything he tried to put on me. "ha ha MF!!! I am bigger, better, faster, stronger, smarter because of you and look where I am versus where you are! Suck it!" :D 
  • moesleah
    Posts: 1Member

    How did I get over a cheating hubby? Well after he was "doing" my best friend and not me, I got a bit suspicious and was able to prove it. did nothing for a long time other than sitting in the recliner after he went to bed. I was nursing one of the babes while the rat slept. While he snored, I fantacized about how to "allow him to excel on the other side". YUP, I dreamed up ways to kill him. Usually had something to do with a gun intimately to one of his favorite places on body. Poison came to mind, but was afraid either one of the boys would get into it, or wouldn't be enough and would get me in more trouble. Was also afraid to do it and get caught. Where would the boys go?


    We eventually did split, went through some really rough times. Thank heaven for the boys, but am now wishing that there had been something like this site back then.


    Heck, the internet hadn't been invented back then...Yes Victoria, there was a time before internet. :)

  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    my ? is how do you learn to trust again? married in 94 tried to leave over 10 times but he always made me come back it wasn't till 2004 that I was able to get over 1000 miles away from him he no longer took my car or flatten my tires and I was not close enough for him to threaten me. 2006 we were divorced and he was to give me $4oo a month for 4 years but he made one payment. I am afraid to go after him in fear of what he will do. so how does one move on and get rid of the fear?  
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    I would get a restraining order... ^^^ Carry mase/stun gun... What else can you do? Don't let him control you still.

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,125Member
    My ex cheated on me with my cousin while I was pregnant. We were in the middle of marriage plans. He got a student loan to pay for a place to live for us and baby stuff, I never saw a dime of it. He blew it on drugs for him and my cousin. He said he did it b/c he was high and didn't mean for it to happen, that it only happened a couple times but I know that's a lie. When I went in his room and saw a bunch of her clothes mixed in with his I knew they were pretty much living together. He denied it and said she slept in there a few times and he slept on the couch. I didn't believe him but pretty much just tried not to think about it and stayed with him a few more months even after he went to jail until I heard from several people what was going on. Then it was like reality hit. Even though I knew in my heart when I heard that it was like being hit by a truck. Then when he finally admitted it after the baby was born it was the same feeling all over again. I just couldn't be with him anymore. It disgusted me, my cousin is a prostitute and I know he didn't use a condom. I felt nothing but rage and disgust towards him until about a year ago, it just eventually went away. I didn't make a conscious effort to forgive him, I just stopped caring. Now he is out of prison and didn't bother to inform me until 2 weeks later, I found out when he sent me friend request on fb, but anyway we talked and I think we might be able to be friends. I'm uneasy about him being in dd's life but I guess we will see how it goes. Sorry this was probably of no use to u but thought I would share my cheating story.
    ~slim shady~
  • sammy7lj
    Posts: 1Member
    @jencmo thank you for reminding me about his clearance. I can't wait for that. We just started a divorce with a 2 year old DD and I have no idea how I will ever be able to forgive him for what he's done.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074



    "I prob should give up too. BUT can anyone who's marriage SURVIVED
    and got STRONGER please tell me what YOUR HUSBAND DID THat made u feel
    better and loved again after such deep pain & betrayal?"

    Here's the deal... it has to be both of you but honestly, a lot of it is ON HIM.  It is on HIM to prove he can be trusted.  It is on HIM to be 100% transparent and it is on you both to have a 100% honesty policy.  He should be doing anything and everything to earn your forgiveness. He should be patient with you, any time you need to ask questions about what happened, need to cry, can't handle sex, or feel suspicious. 

    I want to very strongly recommend www.survivinginfidelity.org  ---  free resource and you won't regret it.   There are also some great books out there on this topic.

    Now, although I say it is on HIM, you have to do your part as well, and that means not vindictively bringing stuff up, learning the difference between wanting to discuss things to heal vs. just to make him feel bad, etc. 

    I will say something that is always hard for me to say;  I have been there and it was within the past couple of years.   My spouse and I have been together 8 years, she had an emotional affair.. like @kaylankayla514 I behaved in ways I am ashamed to admit, my reaction to this discovery, but while it is a long and hard road, it CAN be overcome.  The thing is, it takes 200% effort from you both.

    And I never ever saw it coming.   But what has helped has been her 100% transparency.    We have a much more honest and open way of communicating now.  We don't keep secrets, even little ones like thinking someone else is attractive... or having run in to so and so at the store... because sometimes the secrecy is what sparks that "excitement" so we don't give anything like that room to grow into something inappropriate.

    The biggest thing is; I didn't have to nag or snoop once we began the road to recovering from this.  SHE did things like purposely sitting where I could see her laptop screen at all times, announcing to me if she was going to go on Facebook (where the emotional affair developed, though the person was someone from "real life"), sharing all her passwords, NEVER getting angry or impatient when I needed to re-hash things or just cry, sincerely apologizing every day, telling me she knew she didn't deserve it but hoping that one day I would forgive her WHEN I am ready.

    She even offered to put a keylogger thingy on her computer if I wanted, so that I could basically see everywhere she went when online and she gave up her cell phone totally (her idea) so I would never wonder about who she was talking/texting with (it helps that we are together a lot and if not she uses a pay phone or borrows someone's  phone to call me).

    And she spent hours and hours holding me and saying "I am so sorry and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for breaking your heart..." and for as long as needed.  Not just "at first" and not just until it got "old".

    In other words, it takes a LOT and it has to come from the right place... and a ton of therapy would not hurt (though we never went, but if I decided we needed to she'd go in a heartbeat).   There has to be true remorse and actions speak louder than words.  If there is TRUE remorse and a desire to make things better, you'll know.
  • hushpuppy1
    Posts: 1Member
    I am 51 years old I have been married 33 years. My husband went out on me with a heavy set woman. She looked at me and said quote 'you are my friend and I would never do that to you', but they did. She is married as well. He has stoped seeing her, he told me that he loves me, but it means nothing. To me he told her some very private things about me. I think that hurts more that any thing. All I can say is it F's to be this age and they still go out on you.
    What do I do from here?
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator

    I am 51 years old I have been married 33 years. My husband went out on me with a heavy set woman. She looked at me and said quote 'you are my friend and I would never do that to you', but they did. She is married as well. He has stoped seeing her, he told me that he loves me, but it means nothing. To me he told her some very private things about me. I think that hurts more that any thing. All I can say is it F's to be this age and they still go out on you.

    What do I do from here?


    I'm sorry that happened to you @hushpuppy1.
    How long ago did this happen?
    Have you considered marriage counseling? Did he say what led him to stray?

    community-manager


  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    I"m sorry to hear that @hushpuppy1. I agree with love that therapy would be your best option here.  >:D<

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • NikkiNikki
    Posts: 1,802Member

    HUGS!!!! One day at a time, @hushpuppy1. We're always here to listen to you, too :)

  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    You have to find out what works for you and it will take time and patience and he needs to understand this.

    My SIL had to get counseling as well as go further into her religion.  She also wrote a blog about her time while they were separated.  She doesn't get very personal but they have since then gotten remarried to make a new bond and moved about 4-6 times to re-make their life (I guess you would call it)

    For me I felt horrible I still  do after 3 years.  Sex was never an issue with me because I have a high sex drive so I went for it as many times I wanted (he owed it to me, is what I thought, he CANT turn me down any more)  I then while living with him separated myself from what we LIKED to do with each other.  I was vacant to him for a good 3 months.  He had to PROVE everything we had was real that THIS was a one time thing.  I also had him sign a document that says I have the right to leave the marriage if cheating happens again and I can decide when we get debt free if our relationship is worth it.  You will have months where everything is okay and then it is like an death day, you will totally freak out of no where and you will take it out on him.  I tend to get anxiety starting around Mothers day to Fathers day just because of all the stress and memories that bubble up. 

    Basically find a solution that you can work with, if it to leave or start courting or counseling... DO it.
  • lifeisgood
    Posts: 481Member
     @hushpuppy1    I think the ladies here have given you some great advice. Counseling alone (or together) is a good place to start.  Please don't let your age or what the other woman looks like be a factor in this for you. I know it's damn near impossible...I did the same to myself when my ex-husband cheated.  You're already doubled over by the betrayal, please don't beat yourself further down.    I truly wish I'd known about ScaryMommy when it happened to me, it's an amazing group.  Also, I didn't know about this other site either but I've seen others post it as a resource here and have said they found it helpful.  http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/
  • samsam
    Posts: 39Member
    How did YOU get over the pain of cheating husband? 
    can't say that I've ever fully gotten over the cheating my DH has done. Lord knows I've tried. from time to time i can actually forget, then something with happen and bring it all back up again. reopen never fully healed wounds. i would love to say there is some magic cure. but there's not. time will close to gap, but some wounds never heal. sorry
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,761Member
    sam said:

    How did YOU get over the pain of cheating husband? 

    can't say that I've ever fully gotten over the cheating my DH has done. Lord knows I've tried. from time to time i can actually forget, then something with happen and bring it all back up again. reopen never fully healed wounds. i would love to say there is some magic cure. but there's not. time will close to gap, but some wounds never heal. sorry


    And part of this is, how hard has HE tried to help you get past this?  A whole hell of a lot of this should fall on the shoulders of the cheater to do whatever possible to make things hurt less.  And for as long as it takes.
    "But a lesson must be lived in order to be learned" Ani DiFranco, Manhole
    "Screw you guys! I'm going home." Eric Cartman
  • AnonUser27
    Posts: 1,698Guest
    I've been cheated on. I ended up leaving but still couldn't get over it 5 years later. That being said, when I was a kid, maybe 6 or 7, my parents divorced. Although I missed my daddy, all I wanted was for my parents to be happy. Even if that meant they were not together. Don't stay just for the kids.
  • Bubandsis
    Posts: 113Member
    My exh cheated on me made other babies with the other woman than finally left me for her I was so upset that it screwed up my next realtionship any time id get mad id cheat on him until he gave me a taste of my own medicine now im so faithful even though we have other problems I could never cheat again
  • CSmith
    Posts: 40Member
    As long as you're with him, I don't think you will be able to get past it without his help. He has to be willing to do everything he can to make you feel confident and secure and loved. He has to deal with you being suspicious and hurt for as long as it takes. After all,you have every reason to be. If he can't put some work into it, and accept responsibility for the fact that it's his fault you feel this way then maybe you have to consider not being with him anymore.
  • Crazymom2
    Posts: 1Member
    I cheated ( emointionally) with a man I went to highschool with, when asked I told him! My husband was not there for me in any form. I was in the wrong and accepted that! We made it through that with the help of family and a therapist. Well not even a year later, my step father passed from lung cancer, my husband went out with friends from work and ended up drinking way too much, and had a one night stand with a female co-worker. I choose to stay, not because I felt that I had to but because love is a choice and I choose to love him! He made a mistake and I ended up getting both my husband and the co-worker fired from the company they worked for, trust me when I tell you I felt better;-) I also wouldn't have sex with him until I saw a clean bill of health from our family doctor and even then it wasn't all the time. I had my bob and that worked but now we are almost 4 years from that period in our life's and are stronger now then we have ever been!
  • JoJo22
    Posts: 1Member
    My husband had a emotional affair with a nasty looking bitch . She had never posted her picture on Facebook, so I guess his image of her was far from what she looked like. I caught him twice in a two month period talking to her. I went into his email account and found all there fantasy sex stories. I can't fully forgive him, because I can't forget. He was the one person in the world I trusted, and now I don't even have that. When I look at him all I se is a liar. I haven't slept in the same bed with him in 2 years. sex means nothing anymore, it is just another chore. I just want to thank BJ from Beaurford for opening my eyes with my husband. I hope Jimmy does the same to you.
  • melly
    Posts: 1Member
    Omg... This situation is not a nice thing to be in but as a mother of two & having a cheating husband my life is hell.. I feel u guys pain.. My hubby & I, we are high school lovers we dated a few yrs then we got engaged for 1 year then we got married... Seem like a fairy tale right, it was... Up until my hubby start acting all strange at first I did not really took it for nothing until the late nights he start coming home & not answering his cell.. Whenever I ask him, he find some kindda excuse to give me and been so blind I always believe him... As times moves on situation keep getting worst, we fight a lot verbally & it was always very bad.. I do what I think am best at cry till I feel contended.. Still I have nothing to prove he's cheating even though every thing adds up to that until one night he slept out, I didn't heard from him till the next day about 5pm... Asking where's our son & if he's ok... Anyways he came home 7:30pm with a lot of love marks on his body... I got very angry & start acting out.. He say he's sorry blab.. Blab.. We keep fighting & he move out & went to his mom's place a few houses away... After a few wks went on, I text him & I say what is going on with us, surprised he reply saying he don't really know what's going on right now but what he do know is that he loves me... I reply I said I love u too baby, we need to talk, he said ok.. About mid night my cell rang.. It was him on the other end & he keep saying hello hello then I heard a woman's voice saying she's on tell her now, then he say hi melly I chosen lisa the girl I told u about, amazing I had no idea what he was talking about he had never told me about her.. I said I don't know what you are talking about, then she came on & say I am lisa and am the woman he spent the night out with when we was together.. I say woman listen my hubby & I we are still together nothing change you better get your acts together.. I don't even know how those words came out my mouth but when I cut off the phone I felt like I was gonna die & like my heart had been put in a blender... What I know is that she's reads our text the night & she was all hurt that he said he loves me... Hmm what about my feelings did she for 1 moment think, how I felt, she & my hubby only having a fling for a few mths & she was hurt...Anyhow after all that dramas he begged me & I forgiven him all because of our son he was just 1 year & to give our 7 yrs of marriage a chance... We struggled at first but I seem to get over it... Things went well I got pregnant I have a daughter.. After her 2nd birthday, problems seems to erupt again him & his late outings etc.. We argued a lot... Some wkends I go by my mom & stay just to have a bit of peace & for him to get jealous not knowing I was doing him a favor, he gets to go have fun & sleep out.. Till one night he came home all drunk & love marks on his neck again. I was like what the hell, I didn't say nothing till the next morning.. I ask him what are those marks on his neck he say what they looks like, I said I know what they are but I want u to know that I saw them... He said yes and I ask who put them there he turn & said is a woman put it there... Yep so bold I know... Nothing hurts this much... Now am dealing with this again but its a different woman, an uneducated bar tender girl... I now know its not me at fault here is just him & his wicked dirty self. Most like am gonna leave, not fair to me... I keep looking at the kids & our 10 yrs of marriage... And it seem like this gonna be my life if I stay..
  • AnonUser27
    Posts: 1,698Guest
    @melly, why do you think she's uneducated?