NEVER, NEVER the fuck again....................
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member

    i decided today was going to be my primping day......house and laundry are done (because without a couple kids throwing their shit around, things stay cleaner longer), most of my baking is done....and i was looking in the mirror a couple days ago, and thought...holy shit! my eyebrows are fucking HAIRY!!! and my hands looked like crap. i had a gift cetificate to get a manicure, so i did......and......since shaving the bikini area is not working for me....made an appointment to get a bikini wax. because after the first day after shaving, it itches so bad, it's all i can do not to scratch like a fucking ape all night long, which kind of defeats the whole sexy thing. and i found out last year that bikini waxing is NOT a good DIY project. i sucked it up, and got a profesional bikini wax.


      so, you guys know, you have let that shit grow out for a little while before you get a wax, right? so i grew it out.


    omfg..............................the pain. took my breath away. you how when little bitty kids get hurt, and they turn purple, and take this massive intake of breath, and you know they are going to scream? that's how i felt. except, instead of a scream, it was JESUS!!!!! FUCKING!!!!!HOLYGODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then she ripped the one off the other side. i know i sound like my late father in law, nothing is coherent, i can't make any words except the the bad ones......


    FUCK!!!!SONOFABITCH!!!!HOLYFUCKINGJESUSSHIT!!!!!!!  FUCKINGGODDAMN!!!!  almost as disturbing as the pain is that it looks like she's holding an animal pelt. oh, my god.....i can't breath, and i'm holding my crotch......that sadistic bitch says something to the effect that i'm being a big baby.


    fuck you, lady, half my twat is still attached to that thing!!!!!  she asks me if i want some ice, in a slightly snide tone. yeah, i'll fucking take some ice. and some morphine. and a shot of vodka. AND A NEW TWAT, WHILE  YOUR AT IT, because half of mine is still attached to that strip you just threw away!!!!!!!      and then she wants to do my butt. just because...................


    well, fuck, i'm going to need that too, eventually, so i don't want you tearing it off!!!! and she convinces me that it's not nearly as bad as the other.


    lies. lies,lies,lies..................


    i hobbled home. took an advil. i am never fucking doing that again. EVER.   i will shave, do the veet, do whatever.......nobody is getting near my nether regions with anything sticky ever the fuck again.

    i'm nekkid.
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 984Member
    You have just convinced me never ever ever to get a bikini wax.

    And I was seriously considering getting one. I'm tired of shaving and using veet. I'm lazy. But I think, after reading this, I will stop being so lazy.
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 6,043Member
    OMG! thank you for confirming my reasons for never getting a bikini wax =))
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • RosamundiRosamundi
    Posts: 1,412Member
    Oh. My. God. I am laughing so hard! That's horrible! I'm so sorry for your pain. But damn. That's sooo funny!
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    can you just imagine throwing some fucking bleach on those exposed nerve endings??? (anal bleach) fuck that shit.......i'll wink with that brown eye the rest of my goddamn life.
    i'm nekkid.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    i'm sitting on an icepack cussing the very idea of bikini wax...................................
    i'm nekkid.
  • SasafrasSasafras
    Posts: 1,627Member
    Lol I do mine at home, well my dh does mine. Can't wait to get it professionally done, he always seems to leave patches of hair. If you can't do the brazillian, don't do your legs. That shot hurts so much worse than labor!
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    Thank you for the post I laughed so hard and I so needed it. I'm sorry you're hurting but your description is fucking hilarious.
    apsycho

  • LesboMomLesboMom
    Posts: 3,812Confessional Manager
    I big puffy {heart} you - that is all 

    confessional-manager

    Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. -- Helen Keller
  • Bigbird77Bigbird77
    Posts: 749Member
    =)) I am sorry but that is hilarious! I will stick to shaving
  • KrabbyKay
    Posts: 5,914Member
    I agree, that *was* hilarious!! Bit I am sorry you have to ice your ass. I do mine at home. I didn't have any rotten experience!
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member

    the lady said as i was leaving (hobbling.....trying not to whimper and hold and comfort my poor cootchie) that "next time it won't be so bad....that hair grows out finer and lighter..."


    fuck. you......there...will not.....ever...be...a "next time".

    i'm nekkid.
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0wtfq7NMtOY

    have you ever watched this? i cant embed on my phone...
    its mrs brown gets a bikini wax.. Its omfg funny...
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    =))

    Sorry, but I have tears I'm laughing so hard...no fucking way would I EVER wax the nether regions!!! I tried waxing my legs. Once. Never, ever, EVER again!
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    BTW, you KNOW it was a man who thought pouring hot wax on your twat then ripping it off was a good idea...
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    fuck that. hubs better learn to love the bush.....i am never doing that again.
    i'm nekkid.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    @bellabafana must've been!
    i'm nekkid.
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 9,696Member
    =)) Thanks for taking one for the team. I am never getting that done. Ever. I'm having good luck with magic shaving powder. 
    image
    “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” ― Joseph Campbell
  • SasafrasSasafras
    Posts: 1,627Member
    It's pretty cheap and easy with direction through out the whole process @leopardgirle you must remind the dh to keep the skin pulled tight and pulled in the opposite direction of hair growth. But my dh is picky of the type of wax so I got a different kind so he is on strike!
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    i just can't imagine the anal bleaching thing.....yank out all your twat and butt hair, and stick bleach on it......
    i'm nekkid.
  • MollyGrahamMollyGraham
    Posts: 1,446Member
    @undercoverbanana Omg...as if I didn't need another reason not to do the wax. Holy crap! I was crossing my legs just reading that. Hope you and your bits feel better soon.
    Normal people never change the world.
  • SasafrasSasafras
    Posts: 1,627Member
    Jus remind him you will bare assed, you will be spread eagle and he gets to apply hot wax.... How does he not want that? @leopardgirle lol
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 4,415Member
    We're willing to go through the pain of childbirth multiple times cause we get a bebe at the end...maybe u should have asked for your strips to take home. U could have make a merkin in case it gets too cold...
    Photobucket
  • firefighters_wifefirefighters_wife
    Posts: 573Member
    Oh My God I about died laughing from that video @meandmy243 thank you for the laugh ladies I needed it!
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    lol....a Merkin....a twat wig....thats all I need....
    i'm nekkid.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    I should have least got a sucker or something. That shit hurts.
    i'm nekkid.
  • WabiSabiLife
    Posts: 131Member
    I never thought it was that bad, but I've always had great aestheticians! If they can't laugh with you and make you feel comfortable while you are flasing your garden at 'em...eff em. She sucks and is not very good at her job.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    My cootch and butt would agree. I have tiny little pin prick scabs in each hair follicle hole in some places. Looks like I have twat measles.
    i'm nekkid.
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 9,696Member
    Twat measles? Un-real.
    image
    “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” ― Joseph Campbell
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0wtfq7NMtOY

    have you ever watched this? i cant embed on my phone...
    its mrs brown gets a bikini wax.. Its omfg funny...


    community-manager


  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    Sounds like the female version of the chest-waxing scene from the 40-Year-Old Virgin.
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    That's what it felt like!
    i'm nekkid.
  • lostinthewindlostinthewind
    Posts: 1,617Member
    Here I was considering getting a wax soon.........hmmmm maybe I'll have Dh drive and take an oxy before hand. @undercoverbanana has your Dh gotten to see the goods since? I'm curious to know his reaction to it all.
  • justkeepswimmingjustkeepswimming
    Posts: 780Member
    That is horrid!!! I'm sorry you experienced that, I never have because I was scared of exactly what happened to you! A few months back there were some SMs doing a review of a product that was supposedly a miracle for the nether-regions. I tried it and it was!!! It's called "Magic Shaving Powder" and is really cheap. It is designed by black men for their coarser facial hair, but works great down there for us ladies too. I will try to find the thread to post here for you.
    When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
    ~Oscar Wilde
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  • mamamaybe
    Posts: 547Member
    Omg, I am crying! "Twat measles"

    And I am NEVER getting a wax after reading this! Was considering it.
  • mamamaybe
    Posts: 547Member
    And I am really sorry you had to feel that. Just crossed my legs in sympathy :P
  • justkeepswimmingjustkeepswimming
    Posts: 780Member
    When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
    ~Oscar Wilde
    Cat Kitty Love Hugs Smilie Smiley Smilies Smileys Emoticon Emoticons Animated Animation Animations Gif
  • TheHeadacheslayer
    Posts: 2,472Member
    @undercoverbanana I'm so sorry but I'm laughing so hard I'm hyperventilating OMG girl you tell a great story.

    I'm sorry about your twat and bunghole though :(
    =)) =)) =))
  • Katescrazymom
    Posts: 2,839Member

    I'm sorry about your measles....that isn't supposed to happen is it?  Not that I've ever seriously considered waxing, but......now it's a OH HELL NO. 

     

  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    Laughing but sensitive to ur pain blessings kootchie dust
  • stinkersmommystinkersmommy
    Posts: 1,887Member
    Ooooowwwwwww!!! But yep I am laughing!!! Cold Cucumbers will take the edge off !!
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    Nope. Hubs is still at work. He has not seen the goods yet. I smeared hydrocortizone cream everywhere like I had a fucking diaper rash or something.
    i'm nekkid.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    ............im pretty sure if I asked hubs to pick up some cucumbers to take the edge off my cootch, its 100% guarantee there is going to be some sort of misunderstanding.......
    i'm nekkid.
  • organicbabyorganicbaby
    Posts: 2,020Member
    I am really sorry, if you have been shaving, the first time you wax is horrible. Also, that woman was a sadist, she was not supposed to do a lot at a time! A sadist, I tell ya.
    It does get a lot better but I am not going to lie, it is going to be painful always. Ripping hair out of its pores cannot be a walk in the park :)
    Give yourself a nice cold crotch shower, it will be really calming.
  • I have always considered getting waxed down there but your story def changed my mind!

    I'm so sorry about your crotchet measles....I cant even begin yo imagine the pain!

    But you are a wonderfully awesome story teller :) can u tell us some more please? ;)
  • SasafrasSasafras
    Posts: 1,627Member

    ............im pretty sure if I asked hubs to pick up some cucumbers to take the edge off my cootch, its 100% guarantee there is going to be some sort of misunderstanding.......




    Omg lmfao
  • That was supposed to be crotch measles not crotchet.....
  • TheMomFactorTheMomFactor
    Posts: 5,092Member
    LOL My SO was cracking up about the cucumber.
    "Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way."-The Seventh Doctor

    "One may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel."
  • mchemm2010
    Posts: 390Member
    =)). I am going to pee my pants from laughing! 
    Now is it weird that I still want to go get waxed? Lol
  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,621Member
    I am on the floor laughing. Pour tequila directly on the affected area and call me in the morning =))
  • HorridWenchHorridWench
    Posts: 702Member

    fuck that. hubs better learn to love the bush.....i am never doing that =))

    "She Dances in a Ring of Fire and Throws Off the Challenge, With a Shrug" - Jim Morrison