So You Want to Be a Parent?
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 4,370Member
    There should be a mandatory one year
    boot camp
    for people who want to be parents. Trainees would only be allowed 5
    hours of sleep a night (broken up over a 12 hour period) and someone
    else's table scraps for meals.

    I so love this confession! I totally agree and I would add that you are required to go showerless for undetermined amounts of time, make public appearances with bodily fluids and/or food stuck to your clothing, and spend and hour at random intervals throughout the day listening to goats bleating incessantly. I think the boot camp idea would do some serious prevention of unplanned pregnancies, don't you?? What would you add to the boot camp itinerary?

    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • DreamerDreamer
    Posts: 2,473Member
    This is awesome.  
    There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. Which one are you?
  • toadintheholetoadinthehole
    Posts: 1,883Member
    Tape recordings of a colicky baby on full blast in earphones for at least 2 hours a night and random blastings when asleep

    shit and piss randomly shot at you to imitate bum changes (or is that just me)

    Small pockets of water placed in trousers/underwear that randomly burst to make you feel like you wet yourself
    "mummy I love your testicles" - mini-toadinthehole aged 3.5 years
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 4,370Member
    Good ones, @toadinthehole. And no, you are not the only one who has experienced projectiles from the diaper area! Not at all. :-&
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    And you don't get to lie down and rest when you're sick, either. Let's not forget that. Oh, and no days off, and you can clean up after a farm animal or a group of 18 slobs - you pick.
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    And everyone who speaks to you for the entire year has to do so in a whiny voice. And make completely unreasonable and conflicting demands that you have to respond to immediately.
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • LittleTalksLittleTalks
    Posts: 1,376Member
    This would be a great school programme for 16 year olds.
  • Moomin
    Posts: 649Member
    And they have to come pick up *our* kids, school age or not, and do the school run every morning! That's a double win!
    It's a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.

    I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    Id offer my kids up for a do you think you can take on a strong willed child class ..
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • shouldcleanshouldclean
    Posts: 2,808Member
    you must listen to some one repeat your name over and over and over and over and over. 
    You cannot under any circumstances use the bathroom alone
  • Tranquil
    Posts: 616Member
    You must repeat the same thing 101 times for a half hour period. Morning noon and night.
  • Katescrazymom
    Posts: 2,839Member

    lol at goats bleating incessantly.

    And you have to lug an increasingly heavy weight around that intermittantly leaks foul smelling stuff right before or just after you leave the house.

  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    Dont forget drive with a sprinkler in the back seat that goes off randomly full of nutramingen formula... or just strait baby puke.. smells the same..

    two wrestling rabid raccons in your back seat during rush hour traffic and you have to keep them from killing each other

    someone with a bullhorn screaming in your ear while you pass every fast food resturant and park/ playground begging you to stop then throwing a tantrum when you continue by...

    Someone in the backseat to start screaming that they gotta pee as soom as you reach 3/4 of a mile from your house..
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • KrabbyKay
    Posts: 5,914Member
    Cats (or dogs) that start a ginormous deadly-sounding fight right when you are, for example, taking a shit. Something that you can't stop right then and go check. Or that start one in the car on the freeway in rush hour.
  • DaisyChainDaisyChain
    Posts: 369Member

    Baby swing music on repeat... forever! because even when its stopped playing you still hear it.. a small patch of baby vomit somewhere on your shirt at all times.. wet patches on your matress if your lucky enough to get to lay on it at all.. pegs placed on your nipples every 2 hours for 30 minutes.. never ever being allowed to finish a meal/drink/anything and it must not be eaten until it has gone cold.. and of course on top of that they must be given a man that always wants/needs something every chance they get to sit down and when they need to use the bathroom they must be made wait 10 minutes minimum

  • Lakegirl34
    Posts: 2,814Member
    A room full of Legos and noisy toys you have to cross multiple times without waking up a baby or screaming out in pain.

    You only get to eat lukewarm to cold food, standing up while a toddler screams and throws a plate on the floor you have to clean up.
  • Also you have to answer the same question over & over for days from atleast 3 people & still be pleasant when answering!

    You must be interested in mundane topics & hear the specifics over & over for atleast 2 months & act interested so you don't kill the kids spirit!

    And everytime you are at any store restaurant or public place you must go to the bathroom at sporadic intervals, multiple times & you must go this very second or there will be an accident and you will have to clean it up!

  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,851Member
    There should be role play activities involving hot button topics.  Maybe a "birds and the bees" discussion.
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    @episcopal why are mommy and daddy wrestling in bed?

    allowed to get into 2-5 minutes of presex play and have to jump up get dressed to grab baby get water clean vomit change sheets and any other random but always happrns just as you start to have sex and you have a small child.
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,848Member
    ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS Have a stranger or your mother (which ever is worse) standing next to you at all times telling you youre doing it wrong

    It being everything of course
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • Gracenikki
    Posts: 9Member
    Gah, love all the additions! This was my confession, and it was dreamed up in a bleary eyed 6am nursing session. There were so many more I wanted to add but didn't have room for :)
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    kmetz44 said:

    ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS Have a stranger or your mother (which ever is worse) standing next to you at all times telling you youre doing it wrong


    It being everything of course

    Hahahaha so so true!
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 3,760Member
    Walk around with a 25lb bag around your neck, and everytime you go to put it down it blares loud sirens.

    Have someone pee on your boots randomly once a week.

    Spend half an hour wrestling the 25 lb bag into a highchair, another 20 minutes selecting an assortment of various foods you swore they liked yesterday, then take all said foods and throw them all over your kitchen (don't forget to throw some on your favorite dress). Then try to wipe the 25lb bag down while it flails widely around the room.
    My beach is still Sandy....
  • UnrestMomUnrestMom
    Posts: 92Member

    These are all great! My daughter just had her baby and when they put the little nugget under her gown for bonding time my sweet grandbaby pooped all over her. I love karma.

     

    Another would be to grease a piglet and make them catch, bathe, diaper and put an over the head onsie on it.

  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 4,370Member
    @Gracenikki share some!! This was an epic confession...props to you! ScaryMommy even posted it on her FB page!
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • MsAsdy
    Posts: 246Member
    Lets not forget to have complete strangers constantly giving you judgmental looks that make you question whether or not you're doing things the right way.
  • Don't forget the nerve-wracking task of making all snacks/treats EXACTLY the same amount for each child. Same size, same number of sprinkles or whatever...not a CRUMB more on anyone's plate. 

    And for anyone in the bootcamp who makes light of the situation or thinks parenting is a cake walk, I suggest strapping them in a chair a la "A Clockwork Orange," forcing them to watch a minimum of 5 hours of Calliou, Barney, or any other abominable kid's show.
    "There's nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time."
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 9,696Member
    @gracenikki - thanks so much for the confession! I passed it on via FB and it got likes from non-SMs.

    What about not having adult conversations on the phone uninterrupted? 
    image
    “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” ― Joseph Campbell
  • stinkersmommystinkersmommy
    Posts: 1,887Member
    And the haircut,toenail clipping the wriggly demon dash!!!
  • theprincessmommytheprincessmommy
    Posts: 701Member
    My dhs contribution....you have to attempt to prepare dinner with a possum attached to your face. Also do everything with an MP3 player on repeat saying "why" all the time.
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    Yeah, the showerless, absolutely...I actually started getting dreads it was so long before I got to wash my hair when dd was new...
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member


    And for anyone in the bootcamp who makes light of the situation or thinks parenting is a cake walk, I suggest strapping them in a chair a la "A Clockwork Orange," forcing them to watch a minimum of 5 hours of Calliou, Barney, or any other abominable kid's show.


    This might be a great option for the military:  get that confession via Calliou and Barney!!!
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • nomnomnom
    Posts: 14Member
    You have to learn how to do all house hold tasks with a full bladder, empty stomach, and while carrying a 20 lb sack of fighting cats in one arm.
  • SerendipitySerendipity
    Posts: 1,177Member
    Take a 30lbs octopus and try to jam it into a wet paper sack while it is flailing around without breaking the sack, ruining your your work clothes and on a time limit. Chase a herd of cats around your house trying to get them into your car.
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,851Member
  • msfinallyhome
    Posts: 10Member
    How about, it is 8:30 pm. All is calm and quiet and you realize you would like... umm. a candy bar or a soda or anything simple. But there is not one in your house so... you can't have it, you can't leave. Because you have two sleeping girls upstairs. So you just sit on the couch craving that thing, but are incapable of leaving the house to go get it.
  • msfinallyhome
    Posts: 10Member
    Oh, I forgot! Have all your worst traits mirrored back to you in miniture version. My 3 year old did not like her pink bear on the bench. With hands on hip she told me " 1st of all, I don't keep my bear there! 2nd of all, if you put it there again I will be angry. And 3rd of all, don't touch my things!"
    This is EXACTLY how I explain things to her when I am pissed. I didn't know weather to laugh or discipline her for being rude.
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    @msfinallyhome: is yours a clone of mine?

    And oh my god YES, you're totally screwed if you want/need something after the kids are asleep!!!!!!
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • SerendipitySerendipity
    Posts: 1,177Member
    Here's a few more:

    1.  Put an alarm on you that goes off every time your ass hits the seat of a chair forcing you to get up and get something from the other room.
    2.  Get a tape of a barking seal.  Set up some kind of machine that blasts this in your ear the second you start to get to sleep.  Repeat this all night long.
    3.  Set up an obstacle course that includes avoiding the boss when you leave a little early, slow people, rain.  Drag a fighting mad cat in a sack through this course and avoid the stink eye when you arrive at your destination 10 minutes late.
  • organicbabyorganicbaby
    Posts: 2,020Member
    You guys are forgetting to put a SO by the side of the trainee telling said trainee how to do everything in a much better and efficient way.
  • TheHeadacheslayer
    Posts: 2,472Member
    Take in a random person who speaks a different language and try to meet their every need, bond with them and figure out how to take care of them.

    Make them read every baby/pregnancy book and do a book report on each one.

    Have a friend bring over their pack of kids, each kid has an "illness" so you need to triage and care for all 3 at the same time--oh and let the tub overflow, dinner burn and have the dog roll in something foul.

    Put a diaper on your cat. For a week.

    Get a waterbed that leaks, sprays water at random and leaves two big wet spots on your breast area.

    I'm sure I could come up with more ;)
  • BankMom
    Posts: 716Member
    You guys are killing me lol I'm at the gym on the treadmill trying to not laugh out loud and there's a little snorting going on and the girl two treadmills away is watching me and looks worried LOL
    "...and when her feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says "Oh, shit! She's awake!"
  • Rawrchu
    Posts: 516Member
    There is a bootcamp...it's called being a nanny. ;)  Kept me from wanting children for a good five years afterwards. 
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    For when your kids reach school age have someone sit and compliment your brand new puppy about how great the dog is when they are in that persons care like how obediant and potty trained etc while when your at home the puppy refuses to listen to any command pisses and shits all over the house and destroys everything you own...
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • AceofSpades
    Posts: 1,515Member
    Every time you hit REM sleep the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket screams in your ear forces you out of bed half dressed and makes you walk into another room and stand there, swaying and holding a 20lb boom box up to your ear, blaring a recording of a fire alarm going off, until your kneecaps threaten to give out. After 45 minutes you are allowed to return to bed, provided you don't fall asleep. If you do... Repeat
    "Tough times pass, but tough bitches last"

    "I wish I could squirrel, but alas, I cannot"
  • Anonymous39
    Posts: 172Member
    Sounds like a plan to me!! They can use my son's pterodactyl scream to break people...
    It's nunnya... Nunnya yo business..
  • AceofSpades
    Posts: 1,515Member
    ^^^ that's what we call it too! Or "velocity-baby" lol
    "Tough times pass, but tough bitches last"

    "I wish I could squirrel, but alas, I cannot"
  • Anonymous39
    Posts: 172Member
    Lol!!!That's funny we aren't the only ones!
    I don't know about your kid, but my sons favorite place to let out the Dino scream is in a store or
    Right next to your ear.. Lol
    It's nunnya... Nunnya yo business..
  • shate98shate98
    Posts: 5,020Member
    1.) you know that bit from family guy where stewie says "mom, mom, mommy, mommy, mommy..." listen to that 20 times a day at random.

    2.) Go into the grocery store with a 30lb weight strapped to your back with an air horn that goes off at random intervals while you shop.
    "As you wander through your life, whatever be your goal,
    keep your eye upon the doughnut, not upon the hole."
  • BookaddictBookaddict
    Posts: 356Member
    1. random crashes that you have to discover who did it (while everyone says no one)

    2. a massive bag in which you must find a small item every 10 minutes at random intervals while at the store,

    3. While you're at the store, you have to take several puppies and have them walk next to the cart calmly without barking &/or running away. If you don't accomplish this, there will be a minimum of three people glaring and/or complaining at you.

    4. A large house which you need to scrub from top to bottom (in less than two hours, preferably) with a 20 lb sack attached to you while a loud siren plays constantly. There will also be someone going behind you, making random messes and you will be expected to clean that up too.



    I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves. ~Anna Quindlen, "Enough Bookshelves," New York Times, 7 August 1991