Am I in the wrong? Need an outsider's perspective.
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    So dan and I are butting heads about our dd and how we handle her behaviour. I think dan is too hard and he thinks I'm too soft. Let me give you some background.

    Lily is 3.5, she is strong willed, enthusiastic, passionate, stubborn, bossy, a natural leader, incredibly loving, sensitive, and emotional, among other qualities. Sometimes her big personality gets the best of her and she has what we call "episodes" I'm going to give you a specific example but first let me go into a bit more detail about lily's personality and some of it's effects.

    Lily will not sleep through the night. Seriously she won't. I had a good thing going with scratch and sniff stickers, as some of you may know, which lasted about two weeks (so I know she CAN sleep through or at least not cry when she does wake and self soothe to fall back asleep) however that ship has sailed and she is back to waking up and needing reassurance in the night. I've bought new stickers, *Dora stickers* but she doesn't seem to give a fuck about stickers any more, sigh. Dan wants me to let her CIO, something our ped and my biofeedback therapist recommended. Not going to happen, not in a million years. Been there, done that. It doesn't work for lily and I would never shame a parent for doing it but just a heads up it IS in fact the devil of all sleep solutions (my opinion) and I curse even the thought of it. So dan and I have been really frustrated in that dept because even though i deal with her he complains "the whole house has to suffer because I won't do what 2 professionals have recommended" (wish I never told him what they said :s) he feels that when I go in there and take her to happy land, sing her a song, or cuddle her I am reinforcing her behaviour and in a way I know I am but what are they alternatives? So ya, that's an issue.

    But here is a more specific example and I want honest opinions, don't hold back please.

    We eat a lot of ceasar salad and we like a lot of garlic in it, to a point that it's spicy. Well tonight's dinner didn't start out great. Lily was playing with a toy and didnt want to stop to eat. I asked her to put it away but she didn't, this type of direct disobedience would have resulted in a time out with dan but that's not how I roll. so I put the toy away and asked her to come eat and the little shit hit me! So I put her on a time out and then she was ready to eat. She ate about half her salad and then started complaining it was hot (spicy) I think she had a cut or bit her tongue or something because she kept pointing to it and saying "yuck" or "owie" anyway izzy had eaten hers plus I gave her a fork or two of mine so she got ice cream. Lily asked me to feed her, she only does this with things like salad or soup, shit that's hard to eat. So I did and she ate a few bites. Then she started to refuse the bites so I stopped feeding her and told her she had to finish before she got ice-cream. About 10 min passed of her not eating and she asked for help again. Dan said "no you didn't want mama's help before so now you have to eat it yourself" (where is the dude who rolls his eyes!?) anyway she ate a couple piece of lettuce and izzy and dan finished their ice cream. Then she asked for help again and I just helped her, fuck it, if she's going to eat I'm going to feed her. Dan said "oooh mama caved" so i said "would you rather her just not eat it?" and he said "no I'd rather her have to eat It herself or get no cream and think to herself wow I really should have taken mama's help when I had the chance" because ya, three year olds reason like that. anyway it wasn't a huge deal and she did manage to finish it all but two bites. She took one of the last two bites, chewed it, and then spit it out complaining about her tongue. I gave her the second bite and she did the same thing. So I went and showed dan her plate and asked what he thought and he just smiled and kinda giggled and I said "her tongue hurts and this is good enough go in there and tell her how proud you are of her for eating her salad. Which he did do :) so lily got some ice cream.

    So heres my questions...

    Is dan expecting too much from a three year old or are my expectations of her behaviour too low?

    Was it wrong for me to feed her that last time? After she refused the bites before? time had passed and she was willing to eat...

    Should she not have gotten ice cream because of those last two bites?

    Am I being a door mat and letting lily walk all over me or is this behaviour and my response normal for a 3.5 year old?

    Why is dan a dick that makes me wanna punch him at times?

    Just a heads up this is not a huge conflict in our relationship, well maybe the sleeping issue. We're all good in the hood here I'm just looking for some insight :)

    Thx mamas xxoo
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • KellynnKellynn
    Posts: 2,284Member
    Have you ever thought about co- sleeping? It would definitely solve the sleep problem.

    I don't see an answer other than that. She wants you, and knows she will get you. You won't let her CIO. I don't see her changing for awhile, so maybe you need a compromise that you can live with and get sleep.
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @kellynn we've kind of had a no sleeping in the mommy daddy bed rule but that goes out the window when they are sick. The last two nights she's slept with us and she does sleep through. Dan sleeps really crappy though, the first night he slept on the couch and then this morning he woke up all dickish. Basically I don't think he'd be on board with that. :(
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    But I'd love your opinion about if my expectations are too lenient as far as the salad and ice cream go.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • KellynnKellynn
    Posts: 2,284Member
    I'm a big "baby-ier" myself, so it's hard for me to say one thing, while I do another. I would have done what you did. Maybe next time set firmer expectations?  That's one thing I have learned. Use this as a learning lesson for the behavior you do want next time. Tell her she has to eat whatever amount you want her to, by herself, that Mommy will not help her, and if she does, this will be her reward. And stick to it. That's honestly the hardest part for me. Sticking to what I say.
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 10,900Member
    Well I guess I baby DS 5 some too ! Lol. Yea I help him sometimes eating. Usally it's just a bite or so. And fudging on well you ate most of the good food you can have the sweet. And I did not do CIO. DS 5 sleeps all night most nights but he does sleep with me. No DH in the picture . He hated the co -sleep thing when we were together.
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @leopardgirle the only reason she was allowing me to feed her was because there was ice cream as incentive lol! Otherwise she just wouldn't have eaten sigh. She does eat pretty much everything by herself... She was being a baby and I guess I shouldn't allow that. And he complains because she wakes up him and sometimes her sister :s

    @kellynn I suck at sticking to what I say :(

    @momofdbb hmmm so what you're saying is off dan, collect the life insurance and let lily sleep with me? :D
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 10,900Member
    Lol ! No ! Silly girl ! Child support ! Jk

    Have you tried worry dolls ? There is a tradition of having small dolls that you keep under your pillow or next to your bed. When you have a bad dream you whisper into their ears and they take the worry away. Or a dream catcher . DD had a gargoyle in her room to protect her.
    Wait , I thought he was sitting on the mantle in my room ?? He's not there!? Off to see where he flew off too !
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 4,415Member
    I heart you, so I hope you take all this as my opinion. And I will also preface by saying its not like I never give in or anything.

    I personally think that timeouts can be  effective. DD2 knows enough now from being put in time out that all I have to say if she won't listen to me is "Do you want to go in time out?" I think consistency is key...and she needs to know there are concicences for not listening to Mommy.

    I don't enforce a clean plate policy. If Im full or sick of something Im not going to eat it, so I don't think E should have to. I also don't want to encourage overeating. I have however, kept the food and when that whole "done eating" thing was over and she was looking for something else I sat that down for her again. So I guess yeah, I think it would have been ok for her not to get the ice cream. If you're not hungry enough for your meal, you're not hungry enough for dessert.

    When it comes to the sleeping thing, the only thing Iv found to be effective is to get Stern Mama when she gets in a mood like that. I don't sing, don't tell stories, don't cuddle. Its a tuck in and a stern "go to sleep" and I leave. Usually by the time I realize shes playing the up and down game and I give her that attitude she goes back to sleep. I dont' know your kiddo but I would think that she might know by now that if she fusses enough shes gonna get extra mommy time.

    Anyways, thats just my opinion and how we do things around here.
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  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 4,415Member
    Oh, and Dan is a dick and makes you want to punch him because he has a dick. It comes with that part of the anatomy. All. Of. Them.
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  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    I actually think you both have good points, maybe there's a middle ground?

    For the record, I'm not a fan of CIO either, but by 3, she's more than able to self soothe. I guess the big question is WHY she's waking up so you can fix the problem. Mine will come climb in bed with me for a few, then I put her back in her own bed...sigh...either way, I'm not sleeping, but I usually do get back to it faster if I do it this way...
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    Mama Grams here and yes she is playing you for all its worth....taken care of lots of kids and my own and if this continues you will be her "friend:" not her mama. Charts are a good way for some Melissa and Doug toys have a good one around 20 bucks....in todays and please I am not singly you out we for a numerous reasons feel like we owe them or we are guilty for some reason and again not all not necessarily you . To grow a human being there must be cks and balances. She will NOT starve for missing a meal , if she balks take it away , ignore the histrionics an d state firmly maybe she will be hungry at breakfast period the end and of course NO ICE CREAM , do not reward bad behavior.  If you truly want sleep do not put her in your bed put her crib mattress beside you on the floor . I have even pulled it back to my kids room when asleep . Parenting does not come w rules but you and hubby need to sit down and make a game plan...TOGETHER do not fuss in front as again she will pick up the vibes and pit one parent against the other.....Blessings Love Hugs
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @momofdbb she does have a special fluffy... Ok 3, that she sleeps with. All horses lol.

    @mommydelirious give it to me straight woman! I said don't hold back and I respect your opinion : ) After typing all of that out It kind of sunk in that ya I'm being too soft. We don't have a clean plate rule here but expect her to eat enough that she isn't bitching about being hungry in 10 minutes. With the sleeping if I'm stern like that she won't calm down, she won't stop crying, she wants her mama love. And it is kinda my fault for always giving it.

    @leopardgirle we don't usually have dessert either but we always have a snack around 6:30.

    @bellabefana she tells me shes scared, hot, cold, anything to get some mama love.

    @gramalibby I actually really do agree and feel like after reading my own words that I'm too soft and that it may actually hinder her rather than support her :(

    I appreciate this ladies. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else that she is at an age where it is ok to have expectations of her and for there to be consequences for not following through.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • SasafrasSasafras
    Posts: 1,627Member
    I'm way all over the place, but here is my two cents. If Dan wants her to CIO, then it's his job to make a plan that your comfortable with till she does eventually sleep through the night. It will not hurt a 3 and 1/2 yo to cry. He can please you and get her to sleep through the night.
    My opinion on the feeding though... Let her feed herself, if she won't she can't be terribly hungry. She will not starve herself. And soup and salad may be hard to eat but how is she going to learn how to eat those if mommy steps in and feeds her?
    You both need to give a little on your views. Neither is wrong or right, but you can figure something out to help these little things.
  • RosamundiRosamundi
    Posts: 1,412Member
    ^^^ @gramalibby knows her stuff! I'd take her opinion seriously!

    If by CIO, you mean locking her in her room and ignoring her, then by all means don't do it! BUT if two clinicians who know her, her history, and what she's capable of advise you to do something I would at least listen to their recommendations. Ask them exactly what they mean when they say CIO, it could be you are using the same label to talk about different things.

    And, I think you're getting played. My apologies if this is too, idk, personal or whatever, but she's capable of better behavior at 3.5. She really needs firm, consistent boundaries in order to achieve her best and it would be much better for her if you could provide that before she hits preschool/kindergarten. She takes advantage of you because she's sooo smart and she can. You are such a loving, sweet mother. She is so lucky to have you!
    (But I kind of, in a non-dickish way, agree with your man)...
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @sasafras I did jam pack a lot into that post! Because of dan's work he cannot really deal with her that is why if she's having a particularly rough night he needs to sleep on the couch. If he isn't well rested there is potential for danger. I did just have a serious conversation with her explaining bedtime and how she needs to be a big girl. That there would be no cuddling. So now I just need to stick to it. It takes 2 min to take her to happy land where being firm and not having the cuddle will take longer. She can eat soup and salad, I guess that was just my half ass excuse for feeding her. We just had soup for lunch and she ate the entire bowl herself.

    Ugh I suck :(
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @leopardgirle, I just had a talk with her and we are making changes starting tonight. I completely agree with the baby steps and I will try, no actually I just will be consistent.

    Oh @rosamundi you made me laugh and want to flick you all at once! the two professionals are her ped who doesn't really know her at all and my biofeedback therapist who has never met her. the ped actually said "she may cry all night every night for a couple months" ya I got a new ped lol.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 4,415Member
    Well then I suck on a regular basis as a Mom. But I love her and I try and she's well provided for. And so are your kiddos. So hush up witj that noise!
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  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    It is ok to have expectations of a 3.5 yo. You can totally set boundries without being a meanie. I personally wouldn't have given her ice cream, but my parenting is a bit firm. I do expect my kids to do certain things for themselves, and I expect certain behavior, but I don't exactly 'punish' as much as take away. They lose electronics, night time snack, dessert, whatever they really want at the moment. Time outs never really worked for us.

    As far as the night time waking goes, I really can't give you much advice there, as I was blessed with sleepers, except if you're not comfortable with something, then don't do it. I'd be inclined to try @mommydelerious 's suggestion, if you haven't tried it already, but aside from that, I really don't know. It must be extremely frustrating though, never getting a full nights sleep.
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    I feel the need to defend myself, not that you guys are attacking or anything I just want to plead my case! I do have some boudaries, i am pretty good about time outs and we've been doing 123 magic which has been working. I say 1 2 and its done, she listens. (this won't work for bedtime because she says she wants a time out, so she can get out of bed)

    @mommydelirious thx mama >:D<

    @Katz_meow i wake up bitter and exhausted every morning!
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    I think I missed a few posts as I was typing. 1. you don't suck. At all. 2. I totally get that sometimes its hard to stick to what you say. I lapse into that sometimes, because its easier sometimes. 3. I think the trick is to figure out how each child's mind works, and use that to get them to cooperate. No two are going to redpond in the exact same way, no matter what methods you're using.

    You never need to defend yourself. I think you're an awesome mommy who is doing her best. I hope you find something that works for bed time. And, ftr, I wake up pissy every day too. And I sleep well! Motherhood is hard work!
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 5,920Member
    You don't suck and you don't need to defend yourself...anyone who pays attention on here knows you're an awesome Mom!
    But I'm kinda with Dan. That would drive me insane. Don't get mad I'm just being honest cuz I know you can handle it!
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • SasafrasSasafras
    Posts: 1,627Member
    You don't suck as a mom, and you don't need to defend yourself on here in any way shape or form. Dd doesn't go to sleep by herself. I lay down on her floor till she is asleep then leave, but she sleeps through the night 90% of time. We all have areas where we need help. Dh doesn't like I put her to sleep like that so I told him it was his job. As we speak she is crying for mommy and it's killing me inside.
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @Katz_meow that's it, it takes less time bs effort to be nice and give the cuddle... At 3am the difference between 2 minutes and 2 hours is huge!
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    Thx @demanda and @sasafras I just wanted you guys to know I'm not a full blown push over just, you know, like a nearly full blown push over :p

    Honestly this thread has put light on this whole situation and I think it's time for some serious changes. If I allow and reinforce this behaviour how will she get on in life? I jokingly say I love my girls equally but I would rather be friends with izzy than lily. That's not cool but it's true :(
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • DreamerDreamer
    Posts: 2,473Member
    First of I feel ya... My kids was/are horrible sleepers at time.

    Second I skimmed the comments so forgive me if I repeat something.

    For me, I think there has to be a happy medium. I let my kids CIO. or I tried... but it really wasnt working.  Mine too liked to be cuddled at night. That reassurance, that I was there.   I used to go in there and lay with them for a time.. But honestly that gets old, and I would sorta kinda fall asleep but always wake up really uncomfortable.

    Now. IF they need me, I will go in, I give them a kiss, reassure them Im just down the hall and Im out.  If they are really having a hard time I might sit and hold a hand, but Ive a no talking rule.  If they want me they have to be quiet.

    It worked for us. My time in there has gotten further and further apart to the point I rarely ever go in.  However.. They do occasionally slip into my bed in the middle of the night without me knowing....lol (I however dont have an SO, and I DO have a King size bed so you can see how it sometimes goes unnoticed.)

    I wish you the best of luck. Its hard to be stern with them sometimes when all they want is you and a cuddle.  But sleep IS important for everyone sanity! lol
    There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. Which one are you?
  • notscary
    Posts: 1,053Member
    I think you need to get the sleeping problem under control (not saying its easy). She knows that if she wakes up she gets to snuggle with you, have you sing to her or lie with her (whatever it is that you do), I think you have to be stern & tell her that you expect her to stay in her bed all night & if she gets up, walk her straight back to bed, tuck her in & tell her it's time for sleep, and leave the room. she may be sad, but its not going to kill her. You are all going to suffer with the lack of sleep. Interrupted sleep is so hard on the body & mind. She needs those long nights of sleep especially once she starts school.

    As for the eating, If she normally likes the salad maybe it really was bothering her mouth that day? But if she tries to not eat all the time, I would not allow treats after dinner. My son tries the "I'm full of chicken, but I still have room for ice cream" business. Nope, ain't happening. I help my son eat sometimes simply because I'm tired of watching him eat when I finished my meal 20 minutes ago
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 3,898Member
    My dh hates it but we end up Co sleeping. My 2 year old and 4 year usually wake up and I switch then out
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @dreamer how old are we talking? I don't want to keep doing this!

    Where are all the cool smilies like the eye rolling and hair pulling ones!?
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    She'll time out to get out of going to bed? Damn she's a smart little shit!

    What about having daddy do bedtime for a bit? I really do get not wanting to cry at all, much less all night...does she have a nightlight and a monster masher? That might solve two of the problems.

    But since you are a bit of a pushover (me too, btw) I'd let Dan do the bedtime stuff for a while to break the momentum.

    As for dinner, what I do with mine is that if she doesn't want to finish, that's fine, I'm not going to force her, but that's what she gets for bedtime snack (we don't regularly do dessert), or if she's not hungry enough to eat, no dessert definitely, but I don't necessarily make mine clean her plate either.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • SasafrasSasafras
    Posts: 1,627Member
    And @eapple I have a huge issue when it's 3 am, I am too the point I just don't give a shit, climb into bed, whatever gets them to sleep the fastest. This momma is tired!!!
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @notscary she won't just be sad, she'll cry until I go in... and that's my biggest concern, school starting. She goes in septemeber and i know she needs more rest for it. She also never gets out of bed she cries and I go to her.

    @calliopemarie ya dan does not like the cosleeping idea. Btw what is your name about? Always wondered that lol.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 5,920Member
    Dude, you can be a pushover all you want...I'm not the one getting up in the night with your kid! Lol. But seriously, I'd go bananas. I did CIO and would again in a heartbeat...but I did it when he was a babe and I don't know if I could handle it with an older child...they're so much more...manipulative or something. You couldn't pay me to co-sleep, everyone I know who's done it is still doing it and they're terminally exhausted. I've seen two marriages break up because of the lack of intimacy. I dont want to act like the sky is falling here, obviously some couples manage just fine. To each their own, but some honest advice from a hard-ass...give it a shot if you can hack it, you might surprise yourself!
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @bellabefana I know, the little shit is clever! I tried a night light but she hated it. And she likes monsters because she has a pair of monster pj's. Dan did do the bedtime for a while and it did make things a lot easier but she was still waking and he needs to be alert at work.

    @sasafras 8-X + [..] + @-) = me at 3 am
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • DreamerDreamer
    Posts: 2,473Member
    LOL  Something like this... image  GO TO BED

     Mine are 7 and 5.   But it was really bad only after the divorce 2 years ago.  I have to admit, I cuddled with them after and made the whole problem worse, because I felt bad for everything that was happening.  But once I realized I just couldnt keep doing it... that I really needed my sleep.  It only took about a week or so of being very stern with them at night.

    I would go in..But I would only sit on the edge of the bed. I might hold a hand. But absolultely NO talk other than me telling them once that I loved them, and I wouldnt be far away.
    There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. Which one are you?
  • notscary
    Posts: 1,053Member
    What if you went in & told her " nothing's wrong, mommys here, but you need to go to sleep, mommy is right next door if you need anything, but right now you need to rest for our big day tomorrow"?
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 10,571Member
    I have kids who are picky eaters too, so I totally get where you're coming from, @eapple. I think possibly this was a bad example? If one of my kids has a canker sore, and we're eating something crusty or tomatoe-y, I will expect them to put something in their stomach, but if it really bothers them, I would only enforce a certain number of bites before being done. Mind you, we don't do dessert, ever, so once supper is done, it's over. If you're hungry later, tough titty. You can have a piece of fruit. 

    Personally I would have more issue with the spitting out. I wouldn't have given her ice cream just on that basis alone. If she was able to chew it up, then she was perfectly capable of swallowing it. Unless she just took it in, it hurt, so she spit it. Eh. Kinda had to be there, I guess? 

    The other thing is, food is just food. Don't make a big deal out of it. She gets her supper, she eats, or she doesn't. End of story. If she's hungry, well, there's the rest of her supper. 

    I do feed even my 8 yo still, because he feels more comfortable that way, especially when it comes to new foods. I mean don't feed him all the time! Lol. No. I just feed him when it's something new and he's having issues with putting it in his mouth. Whatever...it's gotten him to eat lasagna, and sauces, and meat, and all sorts of things he normally wouldn't, so it's a win for us. And him, in the long run.
    Why be a king when you can be a God?
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 3,898Member
    @eapple. I jus like the name lol
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @leopardgirle I'm putting on my I mean business face and toughening up. Enough is enough!

    @demanda I tried CIO and I think it's the devil reincarnated in a sleep solution. I am not a huge fan of regular co-sleeping. I do allow it when they're sick and so does dan but that's as far as we go. We like to hump so...
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • notscary
    Posts: 1,053Member
    As hard as it is to hear your child cry you know there's nothing actually wrong with her, and you don't want to be doing this forever. You may have to be tough & let her soothe herself. You all need the rest
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 5,920Member
    I'm glad you're humping still!
    Yeah... I'd feel weird letting a kid that age cry, it just seems...wrong. I dunno. I want to tell you to nut up and let her wail, but to be honest, I know I couldn't do it myself.
    What's your deal with CIO? Not trying to be rude, just genuinely interested. The devil incarnate bit has me intrigued!
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @dreamer and @notscary I'm going to be very brief and firm if, who am I kidding, WHEN she wakes up tonight.

    @curious we very rarely eat dessert, the girls aren't even familiar with that word. I guess that's why I was really wanting her to eat her salad so she could have some. Because it was a rare and special occasion. We usually do snack at 6:30 and it's usually half a banana, some yogurt, berries, or some goldfish. As for feeding her, I don't mind once in a while to speed things up but I'm pretty sure she was playing me and I didn't see it until looking back. She did kinda chew the food but not really, it was intact when she spit it out.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 4,186Member
    In regards to the food, sure, she can feed herself. It may be a bit messier & take more time but the more she does it, it will help her develop her fine motor control & she will be able to feed herself easier among other things. If she has eaten a decent portion of her meal & is full, she gets a snack. It's that simple.

    I've been thinking about the sleep issue. She cries because she knows you will come running & give her exactly what she wants every time...which is snuggle time with you. Make sure you spend 15-20 minutes uninterrupted right before bed (I'm sure you already do). Read a book, snuggle, let her talk about whatever, etc. And then when she does wake during the night, all she gets is you making sure she is covered up, a kiss & I love you. No songs, no snuggles. That's for before bed. If it only takes you 2 minutes as it is now, then she doesn't really *need* you. It's just a habit that you have to break. You just have to be strong about this.

    Good sleep habits are just as important as good eating habits when it comes to physical & mental health. Encouraging the good habits now is much easier than breaking bad habits in a couple years when she will have to have that sleep for school.
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @demanda I was a first time mom and lily was having sleeping troubles. Nothing would soothe her at night and if I came in things got worse. Looking back I think it must have been night terrors but she was only 11 months so it's hard to say. so with absolutely nothing working I couldn't hold her or cuddle her because it made her cry louder we tried CIO and voila it worked like magic. She cried for maybe 15 min the first night and it was great. That lasted for a couple months but it started to take longer and longer for her to self soothe. Then longer and longer. And i wanted to stop but dan didn't and I'm kind of the follower in my relationship (no shame in my game, I like to be told what to do, less annoying decision making) So finally at around 15 months I decided we were done with CIO, it wasn't working anymore and I literally ached listening to her. So I tried to console her, rock her to sleep, and she wanted nothing to do with me. She was so used to being left alone she didnt want my love. I couldn't comfort my own baby. I lost my shit on dan, blamed him for it all (I wanted to blame anyone but myself) and told him we would never do CIO again. We bought a queen bed for lily the next day and i started laying with her to get her to sleep and then leaving once she drifted off. I'd end up back in there in the middle of the night. But I really think it gave lily a lot of trust issues and made her very difficult emotionally. Maybe I'm just blaming CIO but izzy has never CIO once and she's an angel at bedtime and she is very emotionally stable. She had this weird habit of licking her finger and then scratching her arm as she was trying to fall asleep and it was that damn CIO that started that. :( it makes me wanna cry just thinking about it :( but she doesn't do that anymore and she does trust me and want my love now so I really want to keep that trust.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • CanadianMamaCanadianMama
    Posts: 10,374Administrator, Moderator
    I'm not very good with being the bad guy either. I let dd get away with things I know I shouldn't, like getting out of bed for a snuggle at 11 pm. She hasn't done that in a while, but I've definitely been guilty of it. 

    Have you tried keeping her up a little bit later than usual? Maybe she just isn't ready for sleep? Or needs some alone time with mommy. If you kept her up for 30 minutes or so after Izzy it might help? 

    community-manager


  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @chaosmom we do have a bedtime routine including a book and then happy land. We also do lots of cuddles before bed. I'm def taking a new approach for how I handle the night time wakings. This really has to stop! I'll update in the morning how she responds and I did warn her before bed that things are changing.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @Canadianmama I think extending her bedtime may not be a bad idea. They go around 7:30 so 8-8:30 wouldn't hurt. Funny, I actually put her to bed after 8 tonight. I also think putting her to bed after izzy might be a good idea as well. She is very empathetic so maybe telling her that she has to be quiet because izzy is sleeping would encourage her to stay quiet. In the middle of the night she doesn't care at all, about anyone and right now izzy is still awake when I put her to bed.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    You are trying HARD , u are a good mama . Don't be hard on you . There is no mama manual , if it feels right do it. If it does not work try another way . Once ur in the groove even you will be amazed.when you learned to walk you feel a lot , riding a bike you started w training wheels . Love Hugs Blessings =D>
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @gramalibby thank you!
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    @leopardgirle it's def the consistency that's my weakness, send me strength!

    You ladies rock my socks. Thank you so much for all the love. I'm going to bed and will update in the am. I really do love you bitches.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • KacerpieKacerpie
    Posts: 1,119Member
    I admit I haven't read every comment, and your parenting style is softer than mine...
    All our kids were feeding themselves at 3-ish. I probably would have just started the bedtime routine, no icecream. I figure when they are hungry, they'll eat. Since she was able toest half or so and the salad wasn't spicy then, it shouldn't be now type thing.

    As forthwith sleeping, I'd probably do what they do on thenanny shows and slowly wean her off you, for lack of better terms.

    When it comes to you and Dan, I got nothing. I am the soft one, and my dh is the hard one. We still butt heads.

    I think you should do what your comfortable with, but be a bit harder each time until it works. It can be done without yelling and screaming. Good luck mama!
    "Please don't talk mom... It makes my brain work..."