I'd rather slap my best friend than throw her baby shower right now.
  • allthatsevil
    Posts: 4Member
    Hello, I just joined the community, and this is my first post. I've found myself in quite a conundrum, and it would be nice to get some good, honest advice.

    I've planned for years to throw my best friend's baby shower, and she knows this. When she was talking about going off her birth control to get pregnant, I reminded her and we were both stoked about it. Now she's due in May, and we're getting down to the wire.

    A couple months ago she told me that her mom and sister wanted to throw a shower for family, but that I would still be throwing the main shower for all her friends, and mine would be the first one held. Almost two weeks ago I let her know that I'd like to set the date for sometime in March, and that we should get together to iron out some of the details. She agreed, but I didn't hear from her again until the other day, when she informed me (via text) that I will be holding the shower for her current and former co-workers, and that she wants it in April. Seems she's having three showers now, because her boyfriend's mother and sister-in-law have also decided to throw one for her. That shower, along with the family one, will both be in March.

    To make matters worse, some of the former co-workers she'll want to invite are also my former co-workers and some of the nastiest bitches I ever worked with. I haven't even spoken to any of them in probably 6-7 years, but she expects me to not only invite them into my home, but also feed and entertain them?

    I'm so hurt and angry about this whole thing, I feel like my head is going to explode! I feel like she went behind my back and made plans with someone else, and as a consolation I "get to" throw this third (totally unnecessary) party. If she really needs a separate party for co-workers, shouldn't she have a co-worker throw it for her? And it's not like she asked me if I was ok with it, she just outright told me that's what I was doing.

    I know the point of the baby shower is to honor the mom-to-be, and the new baby, but it's also not required of anyone to throw it. It's something that loved ones choose to do, a gift. I was really excited about this, and now I'm just crushed. I don't want to do it anymore, and I don't know how to tell her without coming off as completely selfish and petty. Am I being selfish and petty, or do I have good reason to be upset? What's the etiquette for this kind of thing? 

    I'd like to talk to her about this in person, but she's been too busy lately to even have coffee with me. I've resorted to drafting an email. I figure even if I end up not sending it, it might make me feel better to write it.
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    I would tell her flat out no end of story
  • JustAConfusedMamaJustAConfusedMama
    Posts: 4,527Member
    Could it be she was under a lot of pressure from mom and sister & MIL to let them throw parties and she knew you were pysched about throwing her one too and didn't want to let you down?  Maybe she is trying to please everyone, so to speak?  I totally get why you are upset, but I know when I was pregnant, I just wanted to keep the peace and didn't always make the best decisions.  Informing you via text was in poor taste and having it come off as a fact rather than a request was not great either, but perhaps she just isn't handling the combo of stress, pressure, and baby brain too well.  I understand why you don't want to throw the shower for nasty bitch coworkers and you should be honest with her about it, but if she is otherwise a pretty good friend, try not to make it into a huge thing.  Just say you kind of feel like a third party is overkill and you don't feel comfortable with the coworkers.  I wish you luck and I hope it doesn't impact the friendship too much.
    If you would like to sponsor me for the Imagine Walk for Autism in April, for my friend's son please click the below link and donate.
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  • allthatsevil
    Posts: 4Member
    @dolphinlover26
    I have thought about those things, and whether it's baby-brain or not, it's not uncommon for her to be thoughtless. Usually I just put up with it, but this time she's just expecting too much. I've thought about the possibility that she's trying to please her boyfriend's family - his parents live with him, as does she - but I figure she could at least be honest and tell me that's what's going on.

    Maybe his mother and SIL are forcing it on her, but the fact is I'm her best friend. I've known her longer than they have, and I knew she was pregnant months before they did. I was the first person she told when she took the home pregnancy test, and she didn't even tell her boyfriend for several more weeks. She threw my baby shower almost 6 years ago, and I've been looking forward to throwing hers even longer than that. It's an honor I claimed before they were even dating, and I feel so hurt that she could so blithely take it and give it to someone else.

    But yeah, I also don't want to cause a bunch of drama and put strain on our friendship. :(
  • MegsueMegsue
    Posts: 1,846Member
    My first reaction: slap her. Cops, District Attorneys, judges, friends and family frown on that shit though ;) I'd just tell her what you told us. Invite her to lunch (or whatever you gals normally do) and tell her you were excited to throw her party. You understand why her BF's family is doing it instead. You appreciate the offer to hold one for her and coworkers, but you're not comfortable doing that because of strained relationships with some of the people on the guest list.

    This translates into: "screw you psycho pregnant lady, I am not gonna be bossed around by you. Fuck your boyfriend's family. I will not have nasty hoes in my house. Let's still be friends!"
  • allthatsevil
    Posts: 4Member
    @Megsue
    Excellent suggestion, and so much more mature than what I'd really like to say. ;) The hard part is going to be getting some face time with her. I've been attempting for weeks to get together with her, even before all this bs, and she's always busy. Methinks she may be avoiding me...
  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,621Member
    If you're supposed to be throwing a baby shower and you can't reach her, she probably is avoiding you. And she probably knows she's put you in a bad spot. I'd leave her a couple of messages asking her to call you, and if she doesn't get back to you, put it in an email. A GRACIOUS email that makes it clear you cannot host the co-workers because you are not comfortable with that situation.

    She's having a baby, which is not a license to force people into things.
  • Mommyliciousx4Mommyliciousx4
    Posts: 1,768Member
    It sounds like bull that she not to busy to plan the baby shower she wants you to throw but can't give you an hour of her time so you guys can talk.
    I understand your want to throw a shower, but she is being rude.
    If you don't want the nasty coworkers in your home, you have that right, and you really need to tell her. If text or email is the only way you can do that then so be it.
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    I was in your friend's situation. My mom and sis, my BFF, and my mil and nana wanted to throw the shower and everyone expected me to set things up/choose. Eff that noise! I gave everyone eachother's number and let them have at it. I'm sorry but a baby shower is supposed to be to celebrate the mom and new baby and put her mind at ease by gifting all the little things to fully prepare her. NOT to cause her stress and make her feel like she has to choose between the closest people to her. It stressed me out almost as much as ppl asking to be in the delivery room and I said the same thing to that, eff that noise! And it was just dan and I.

    Why don't you all just throw one big party and each have a specific task. Someone decorating, someone food, someone games and party festivities? Just coordinate about a theme and go from there.
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • VegantasticVegantastic
    Posts: 4,225Member

    Nothing brings out the worst in people like baby showers and wedding showers!!! The only drama I've ever seen in my calm, proper, polite Canadian family was when it comes time to throw showers! Holy shit, everyone wants to do it, the people who don't get to do it want to "help" but they have their own ideas, and there's always hurt feelings and eye rolling!

    I think your friend is probably trying to keep everyone happy, and she's stuck in the middle. And yes, you are her best friend, but she's having a baby- she's starting a family and she wants to stay on the best side of her in-laws, who will forever be part of that family.  By all means, tell her it's getting out of hand and you aren't comfortable throwing a co-worker party. But maybe cut her a little slack- she's probably just trying to keep everyone happy. 

    "Be the change you wish to see in the world"
    "Don't Panic"
  • CanadianMamaCanadianMama
    Posts: 10,374Administrator, Moderator
    I'm with @eapple. Use what @Megsue said, but maybe also add that you would love to help her mom and sister, and bf's family with their showers for her. Be her support, the one person she doesn't have to stretch to please. Being pregnant is already such a stressful time, showers always add to that stress, I would imagine a lot of it is stemming from that. 
    I want to add that you are totally in the right to not want to throw that third party, and your feelings about the situation are incredibly valid, I just think you need to put yourself in her shoes. She probably really needs someone to do that. 

    community-manager


  • shate98shate98
    Posts: 5,020Member

    I agree with the ladies. If the original plan was for you to throw a friend shower and that you were cool with, but are uncomfortable throwing instead a work shower, just let her know but then also offer to help with one of the two other showers. Be gracious. Be understanding. Be kind. But let her know how you feel too.

    If you can't get her in person try to tell her on the phone. Emails can sound snarky without meaning to and then she has the words in front of her to mull over. So, if you do have to put it in writing, be careful about what you say. She's preggo, she's stressed already.

    "As you wander through your life, whatever be your goal,
    keep your eye upon the doughnut, not upon the hole."
  • anonymommy
    Posts: 1,652Member
    I agree that's she's probably in a tough spot.  Tell her you're not comfortable with throwing the shower for ex-coworkers.  Since she's already having 2 showers, what about throwing a diaper party?  You could do that much earlier, especially since diapers don't change based on gender (unless she's doing cloth and then my whole idea sucks).  If she hasn't told people the sex of the baby, you could also make it a reveal party.  Invite people you are comfortable with.
  • OpheliaOphelia
    Posts: 4,866Member
    why can't all 3 showers be consolidated into 1 big one? then everyone that wants to throw her one can chip in and probably save a lot in the end.. and there'd be no "i wanted my shower to be first" cause they'd all be the same date/time/place
    Nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile.. -Grateful Dead<3
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    Ophelia said:

    why can't all 3 showers be consolidated into 1 big one? then everyone that wants to throw her one can chip in and probably save a lot in the end.. and there'd be no "i wanted my shower to be first" cause they'd all be the same date/time/place

    This!
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • allthatsevil
    Posts: 4Member
    I WOULD LOVE to co-host the shower with them. That wouldn't be a problem for me at all. I have no idea how the others would feel about it, but I'll definitely suggest it to her. From the beginning I made it clear to her that we would do the shower however she wanted it. I told her to let me know what things she had a specific preference on and I would handle the rest. So, if this will make her happy, I'm all for it. I just hope the others will feel the same way. Honestly though, I think she really likes the idea of having three separate showers thrown in her honor. Who wouldn't want three parties thrown, just for them?
  • NewToThisStuff
    Posts: 5Member

    Just tell her that you can't have those people in your house, and if she needs to have a shower with them present then she'll have to ask someone else to host. 

    I understand that she's trying to please everyone (as a people-pleaser myself, I can sympathize!) but she's screwing you in the process.