Asked to sponsor family members (cant stand) from China.. ADVICE/OPINIONS please!
  • GarrettsmamaGarrettsmama
    Posts: 106Member

    Hey Ladies,

    Alright so my brother in law visited with his wife and son from China. It was so unpleasant! He was rude, selfish, degrading of women, put us down at every chance he got! Was just the worst guest a person could imagine. His wife puts up with him but she follows him around, and is the submissive type. I liked her and her son but due to the last experience with his last wife.. he would not allow her to be around anyone without him..yea! The last relationship he asked for a sponsorship from our uncle and his wife came.. he lied to her about everything. One thing to know this guy is a fraud he made a fake diploma in the us, and took it to china to teach. YEP! His wife did not know so when his mother told his secrets ..umm she left him. She is still in the US, he is back in China. See he is a real winner (total sarcasm)!! He treats his new wife like shit.. and this is where it gets difficult. We had him stay at our house when he came for a month and within a week he was just a asshole and we were soooo ready for him to leave. Sorry for the language but I cannot stand him. Now he wants to ask us to sponsor his wife. I read some stuff and it scares me. My husand and I have a child, and just are at the point were doing okay. I am terrified he will fight with her and were stuck taking care of his wife, and son..I like them but we cannot afford to do so yet. It would be different if we could but cant..were just beggining to be able to afford our own needs lol. I also know we would fully responsible for her and her son.. so with that said I know he will not be able to provide here like in China since he has not even graduated high school!.. and they cannot go on assistance and if they do it comes back to us and we can be sued for it..yep. I feel it is too much risk and let another family member handle it. How would you tell them..and the family is close knit how do we explain it to other members like his dad. My husbands mom is not this mans bio mother and she cannot stand him, and none of the other kids can. Only my husbands father does..but how would we not hurt peoples feelings and such. I want to help but dont want to. Would any of you scary mommys do it? Am I feeling the right way? Would you feel hesitant as well?? It would be different if this man were trustful, and in a strong relationship and such but he is not. The whole time his wife and him fought, and he was a dick. He lies and is rude. I dont know what to do.. please offer some advice, or opinions on this please! Thank you so much and sorry it was so long, but I needed to add in information! lol..

    I am your mother 1st, and your friend 2nd! I will always love you, but it is my responsibilty to make you a decent man for when you get older. You will thank me once your married, and will understand why I did the things I did while raising you!
  • SchweddyBallsSchweddyBalls
    Posts: 4,891Member
    Guuuuuuuurl......I remember the post you put up when he was there!!!!!! Fuck being polite.......tell him absolutely not.......We don't agree with how you treat her nor with the bs lying shit you pulled with the last wife.......HELLFUCKINGNO are we getting involved in your shit......good luck, asswipe!!!!!!
    I'm the nicest person you will ever meet, UNTIL you fuck with me or the betches I love.......
  • RagingRachRagingRach
    Posts: 264Member
    I don't really know what advice to give, other than to trust your gut and don't do it. You really can't worry about hurting their feelings, do what is right for your family.
  • Peace
    Posts: 3,230Member
    I remember him! How are they doing now? I wouldn't be hesitant at all!

    Not.a.prayer.in.hell.
  • Peace
    Posts: 3,230Member
    Wait. Bil is a US citizen. He can sponsor her himself. Might have to move back here & get a job 1st...might be the only way he gets one.

    No, we're not able to do you this favor.
    Period. End of story. Repeat quietly & calmly as many times as necessary.
    Never justify. Never explain.
  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    Zip Zero Nada
  • RosamundiRosamundi
    Posts: 1,412Member
    @peace I'm with you. Never justify, never explain. Calmly say no
  • Ashdawn684Ashdawn684
    Posts: 979Member
    I woul just say at this time we are not in the position to help, I must have missed the threads from when he was there
    ~Live life to the fullest, or die trying~
  • KacerpieKacerpie
    Posts: 1,119Member
    I have to say when I saw the title of your thread I was on board with sponsership. My dh is from Vietnam ans moved here when he was 3 because they found a family to sponsor them. That being said, they were none of the things you described above. They worked their ass off and got out on their own. They used it as a steeping stone to their new life. I would NOT be ok with sponsorship in your situation. No way, no how.
    "Please don't talk mom... It makes my brain work..."
  • GarrettsmamaGarrettsmama
    Posts: 106Member

    Thank you sooooo much ladies! Okay I am not overreacting lol. It has been tough since my husband is all about family, but he even does not want to lol. He was such a jerk to me and everyone my husband says even if he visits he wont stay with us, yet alone a sponsorship. It feels great to have people understand lol. My mother is like ah hell no as well!! lol. I just dont trust him and feel that he will get us for something if we do sponsor them.. and we cant do it. Seriously it feels good to know others have the same thoughts and would do the same thing.. :)! I just had to ask though. I told them we do not make enough money.. lol. He can sponsor his own wife but wants to come with her, and his son and not wait. He might just have to do it this way this time due to what happened the last time. It would make sense to me for him to get established before he moves them over. Anyways thank you again ladies!! :)

    I am your mother 1st, and your friend 2nd! I will always love you, but it is my responsibilty to make you a decent man for when you get older. You will thank me once your married, and will understand why I did the things I did while raising you!
  • DovahkiinDovahkiin
    Posts: 1,223Member
    I remember the threads too. You should do what you feel is right for your family.
    Although can someone please explain what a sponsor is? Clueless Aussie here :-?
    Stroke the furry wall
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    holy crap. i don't understand the sponsorship process, but if you can claim financial difficulties or something, use that.
    i'm nekkid.
  • Luna523Luna523
    Posts: 867Member
    No don't do it! You don't owe him an explanation but if you really feel you have to give one, BE HONEST! It sounds like he needs to hear the truth!! Your family should be your number 1 priority, I wouldn't feel guilty in saying no. I think you'll really regret it in the long run if you cave in. Good luck!
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    My parents and a group of friends and relatives sponsored a family of Vietnamese refugees in 1979. They were the hardest-working people I've ever known. They swept floors, cleaned toilets, did whatever they needed to do to build a new life. Today they are all successful business people who employ dozens. In other words, they are the total opposite of your BIL! I'm in favour of sponsorship in general, but not for him. I remember your previous post about his visit, and personally, nothing short of a cattle prod would induce me to do that guy a favour. You don't have to justify or explain your refusal, just say you're sorry but you can't do it. Repeat as needed.
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • KacerpieKacerpie
    Posts: 1,119Member
    @dovahkiin , its when you bring one person or a family to the US and are responsible for them while they get their citizenship. my dhs family came as political refugees during the Vietnam war.
    "Please don't talk mom... It makes my brain work..."
  • GarrettsmamaGarrettsmama
    Posts: 106Member
    Sponsorship is signing paper work for the government basically saying that you have finiancial stability to sponsor and you can support the immigrant until they become a American citizen. People have to do this because the American government doesnt want immigrants to move here and collect government benefits ie foodstamps, housing, etc. If they do get it since we signed the paper work the government can sue us for the amount they got from the government. It is a long drawn out process but the government can seize assets, estate etc as well. Also if we do not support them then we can even be sued by them...its unlikely but is possible. These are my fears... but that is what a sponsorship is. Basically gives an immigrant a way into the US legally. We are not going to do it.. since a person has to make 125% above the poverty level.. so 75,000 a year. We do not make that much.. so I told them we cant, and they would be denied. Thank you ladies lol. Sorry to bring it up but I just got an e mail from them yesterday asking about it. We would only need to sponsor his wife by the way..but im afraid of my BIL not doing his part, or lying on paper work and screwing us over.
    I am your mother 1st, and your friend 2nd! I will always love you, but it is my responsibilty to make you a decent man for when you get older. You will thank me once your married, and will understand why I did the things I did while raising you!
  • Marionettevie
    Posts: 2,729Member
    tell him exactly what you said here... its too big of a risk, and you have to put YOUR son and his well being,and your family first. anyone else comes second and you cant trust him. he doesnt have a diploma, and he expect you to take the fall if he screws up? i dont think so... no....sorry but no.. thats exactly what i would tell his father, if he is so bent on it then he can help HIS son out and leave you out of it. its just not financially smart for your household
  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 3,760Member
    I say FUCK EM.
    My beach is still Sandy....
  • Manders15Manders15
    Posts: 3,423Member
    I agree with the other ladies, your BIL is so not worth the risk.  He can go to hell in a hand basket please & thank you! 
  • NewToThisStuff
    Posts: 5Member
    I agree with previous posters.

    "No, we can't do this for you."
      BUT WHY?
    "We can't, but we wish you good luck." 


    Good luck with this!
  • GarrettsmamaGarrettsmama
    Posts: 106Member
    Sorry I have been absent for a bit. College is kicking my arse lol. An update is we did NOT sponsor them!! YAY! We mentioned we made too little money to sponsor them and that was it. My husband supported the decision and agreed (thank god)! They found someone else to sponsor them..so its a win win! Thank you all for the advice and support. Its hard to deny family and even more so when the entire family relies on us for things. But we held our ground, and said NOPE!! YAY!! Sadly he will be here in August so I have to make sure to have some zanax before he arrives..lmao jk! 
    I am your mother 1st, and your friend 2nd! I will always love you, but it is my responsibilty to make you a decent man for when you get older. You will thank me once your married, and will understand why I did the things I did while raising you!