How Much Longer Will This go on? *update*
  • RuralRebellionRuralRebellion
    Posts: 2,817Member
    Every.  Single.  Time.  We try to put DD1.5 down to sleep (naptime and bedtime), no matter how many frigging books we read, no matter how much she is yawning or rubbing her eyes, as soon as we say goodnight and leaves she FREAKS out and cries like we've just abandoned her in the jungle.  Like, not even tantrum cry.  Heart breaking, loud, soul crushing cry.  The problem is, for me it's not heart breaking (even though I suppose it should be), it just makes me ANGRY.  DH is the sucker, he will go in after less than 5 minutes if he is home.

    How much longer is this shit going to go on?  What am I doing wrong?  I don't put her down angry.  I get angry after I've already left her room and I sit here on the couch listening to her wail.  Why is going to sleep such torture?  I can maybe understand on nights when she is wired and "not tired", but 8 times out of 10, she is showing signs of being very tired (not over tired) before we put her down.

    Is there anything I can do?  She has favourite stuffies, a music box, and even her favourite board books get left nearby if she wants to look at them instead of sleep.  Hell, she could even get out of bed and play if she wanted to.  But no, she lays in bed and screams.  It's been going on for months.  I usually let her cry it out, but she hasn't learned in all this time.

    Am I just a horrible mother for posting this?  I need some advice, or words of encouragement, even if those words are "suck it the fuck up, you're overreacting."  


    *UPDATE*   The little jerkette is crying no more than 15 minutes at bedtime now, but instead is waking up 2 hours earlier and screaming.  If we don't get up she starts to kick the wall, and we live in an apartment.  Her wall is an inside one, but if we can hear the people upstairs move their furniture, I'm pretty sure they could hear her banging on the walls.  At this point it feels like I have no choice but to get up.  This morning she cried for a half hour, then thankfully played quietly for an hour.  Then began to kick the wall.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Most everyone's mad here. You may notice that I'm not all there myself.
  • MegsueMegsue
    Posts: 1,846Member
    You're not overreacting, your DH is fucking it all up! If you're going to use the cry-it-out method, you need to be consistent about it. When DH goes in and (I'm assuming) stays with her until she calms down...the point is not getting across. And it is frustrating as all hell. I know, I'm the asshole who could never let my kid CIO, and I regret it every fucking day now! He's two weeks away from being 4 and still "needs" me to fall asleep most nights. ~X( So tell hubs to cut that shit out!!!!!
  • RuralRebellionRuralRebellion
    Posts: 2,817Member
    Aw man.  See, I knew it probably was his fault.  But we had this exact conversation/argument last night (finally) about him being too soft on her when I'm not home.  He was not happy to hear it, and if I try to bring it up again... guh.  But I have to.  He just gets so defensive, so trying to talk to him ends up making me angry too lol. 

    We have the next 4 nights while he is at work and only I will be putting DD down, so if she freaks out Friday night and he wants to go in, I will put my foot down and remind him of last nights conversation. Even though this particular issue was never directly brought up, maybe I can get away with saying it's part of what I was talking about.

    And @Megsue THANK YOU for being so frank and making me feel better.  It's always easier to let her CIO when she is doing her fake "I'm not getting what I want" cry, but I think she has figured out that the seriously sad cry is what gets us to react.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Most everyone's mad here. You may notice that I'm not all there myself.
  • MegsueMegsue
    Posts: 1,846Member
    Oh yes @RuralRebellion, those little shits are smart! It takes them no time to figure out how to get exactly what they want! My master manipulator won, because I'm a pussy. Don't be a pussy! You'll regret it and NEVER sleep again!!!!!
  • RuralRebellionRuralRebellion
    Posts: 2,817Member
    *repeating mantra to self*  "I will NOT be a pussy.  I will NOT be a pussy..."
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Most everyone's mad here. You may notice that I'm not all there myself.
  • shouldcleanshouldclean
    Posts: 2,808Member
    If she isn't getting out of bed, I agree let her cry. Dd3 has ended up in our bed almost every night for the last year.
  • 456Imamom
    Posts: 550Member
    @RuralRebellion I feel your pain! we were having similar issues with DS until he was 18-20 mths. Then DH went from being Mr Softie to 'having enough of this shit'... Well sorry Mr, you made this bed now lay in it! 
    What we did, since neither of use were consistent or fully comfortable with some cry it out methods was a bit of a modified cry-it-out. We got it from the "

    he Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems - Sleeping, Feeding, and Behavior--Beyond the Basics". I typically avoid all parenting books, but a friend gave us a copy, and I broke it out in desperation one night. Basically, we followed a routine, tucked him in, reassured him then left. We would come back and check on him periodically.... I think somewhere in the process (I can't remember), we started sitting at his door for a few minutes while he settled before leaving. 

    I hate to scare you, but it can take weeks to get into a good sleeping routine, and ANYTHING can throw it off (even teething or holidays). So be patient and stick with what you try for a few weeks. 

    Oh, one more piece of advice, since DH and I weren't on the same page, we were fucking things up. Once we sat down and made a plan, it was easier to stick to it, and made it easier for DS to understand that this was the new routine, and that he was going to be ok. 

    Edit: oh, DS is now 26 mths, and generally a very good sleeper too (even naps.... which he NEVER did for me on the 1 yr of mat leave :( ). I'm so glad we did this last spring, because we have another baby on the way and i think i would lose my mind if neither slept well.... I can barely handle one at a time!
  • 456Imamom
    Posts: 550Member
    @leopardgirle I laughed when I read your comment. DH and I still have that "should we go up?" debate when DS starts his "i miss you cry".... usually if one of use goes up, we regret it! Tonight DS tried it, and DH and I looked at each other and said "we'll give him a few minutes". Less than 2 minutes later, DS was passed out! Poor kid was tired, but didn't want to stop playing
    You so aren't alone!
  • MegsueMegsue
    Posts: 1,846Member
    Yes, for the love of gawd, stay away! You'll all end up fucking crazy like me if you don't! 8-} If there was ONE thing I would do over, it would be letting DS CIO. I wish my DH had balls enough to tell me to cut that shit out when I cuddled and rocked our kid to sleep every night. WTF was I thinking????
  • RuralRebellionRuralRebellion
    Posts: 2,817Member
    Ugh.  She cried for nearly 2 frigging hours.  Sometimes quieting down, I'd begin to wonder if she finally fell back asleep.  Then she'd pick right back up again.  She doesn't usually go for quite THAT long, so I fucked up.  I went in a couple times, but I didn't coddle her.  I merely went in, repositioned her from sitting to laying down.  Put her blanket back on her.  Turned her music on, gave her a kiss and left.  5 seconds later she was crying again.  I went in out of sheer anger and frustration, but even though anger is usually the presiding emotion, I still sit here wondering about the "what ifs".  What if she didn't have enough to eat, she barely touched her dinner.  What if she pooped.  What if she actually hurt herself...

    I fucked up.  It's not just DH's fault (although he is the one who will pick her up and hold/rock her.  If I go in, I only basically tell her it's bedtime again and leave) but any appearance of mommy or daddy is a fuck up, she won.  I put her down at 7:30, it's 9:50 now, and she's FINALLY asleep (I think, I hope).  

    No more.  I find it easier to ignore her when it (seldomly) happens in the middle of the night.  If I've already been sleeping, I'm just like, fuck that shit, I'm not getting out of bed for nothing.  But when I'm just sitting here trying to get some cleaning done, or God forbid, have my quiet mommy alone time, I hulk out if she cries too long.  Thank God I have good self control.  I've never considered hurting her, but I get angry enough that if I were a bad person...

    On another note, DH finally got benefits from work, so I've been planning for a long time to seek councilling, not just for my anger, but life in general.  So no worries on that topic :P
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Most everyone's mad here. You may notice that I'm not all there myself.
  • MorganD
    Posts: 3,436Member
    When we stayed with SO's mom for a couple of months, we HAD to keep DS21mos quiet. It was a year ago, he wasn't even a year old yet, but she BITCHED if he made even a *little* bit of noise. So every time he cried, we picked him up and got him quiet. Now that we live in our own place, we're *still* working on breaking him of pitching a fit over everything. It's taking forever, but he no long cries at night. Now, he *must* have a kiss and a "Night, night", or his evening isn't complete, but he won't cry at bed time. He might wake up for a minute or two in the middle of the night, but he goes back to sleep. It's tough on my SO to tolerate the crying, but I keep him in check...after all, I have two older kids from my marriage. While SO is older than I am, in this situation, I am the wiser.
    Having said all of this, tell your man to SUCK IT UP. He absolutely MUST stop going to get her. She knows he will and will continue to scream as long as he does. Give that man some headphones or something(mine has earplugs!). I know it sucks to hear you kid scream like you just slapped her or something, but she will outgrow it. And your DH needs to realize that he's making it worse. This could last until she's 5-6, and I have seen kids that do this until that age! I don't know how those moms manage without pulling their hair out.
    My two older boys are friggin' angels at bedtime. They are 4&5, and they chat for about 5 minutes, and then silence. They do not yell and pitch a fit, and I'm not one to tolerate tantrums. And since they know that such behavior will get them nowhere, they just go to sleep. It's awesome! And now my youngest does it too, with the occasional fit, of course.
    I know alot of people don't like the cry-it-out method...but I'm more than happy to swear by it. She'll eventually get to the point that she knows it's bedtime and to go to sleep. Good luck, chicky! :)
  • RuralRebellionRuralRebellion
    Posts: 2,817Member
    @leopardgirle we always have the tv on too.  She also has a fan on in her room so she is used to noise, but it also drowns out outside traffic/people noise.  I was trying to get some crocheting done while she was crying, but I couldn't focus on it lol
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Most everyone's mad here. You may notice that I'm not all there myself.
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    Dh and I went through this when DD was about that age, too. The first night, she cried for 2 hours. Initially I went in every few minutes just to let her know we were still there and hadn't abandoned her, but I noticed that instead of calming her down, it just ramped things up, so I stopped going in. The first night, it was two hours. Second night, 20 minutes. Every night after that, two minutes. Then blessed slumber for all. Until she woke up for the first of 5 or 6 times a night, but that was a separate issue.
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 4,370Member
    See, I think CIO is awesome. I just wish I had known about it when DD8 was that age. I rocked her to sleep as a baby, and just never outgrew it. She was 3--to big to fit in the rocker with me--when I finally stopped. What. A. Nightmare. Screaming until she puked every night. Crying fits, stomping, destruction. And yes, going to her and leaving again would only exacerbate the situation. Finally, after a few nearly unbearable weeks, it stopped. Now she's fine--a great sleeper. Her little sister always has been (I learned that damn lesson and it was hard--not going back EVER!!) a good sleeper, and DS 10 months is getting there. He's still a little needy at bedtime, but he's not quite old enough to understand yet. We'll get there, and so will you. Have faith in your skills...and remember your mantra.... :D
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    I have an almost 3.5 yo that I'm working on and the last 6 nights she's slept through <:-P <br />
    She has always been a crappy sleeper and I did try CIO at around a year. However *for me* and my dd I personally think it fucked things up royally for us. See at first it was great, I'd let her cry for a few minutes and she'd be out! But slowly it started taking longer and longer and eventually she was crying instead of napping and I realized this was not going to work for us. At this point it had been a few months of the CIO technique, the first month and a half it went stellar and then slowly dwindled away in effectiveness.

    What I was left with when I came to terms that's CIO wasnt going to work for us was a broken little girl. She had trust issues, she didn't want me to cuddle her, she didn't want me to rock her to sleep, because she was used to bring left alone. But if I left her alone she cried! What was I supposed to do? I was so emotional and felt like such an asshole for letting her CIO. I blamed dan because he strongly encouraged (pushed) me to try and stick with CIO. I blamed him and resented him and told him I would never go against my gut again.

    We bought a queen sized bed for lily that week and dan or I put her to sleep from then on. If she woke up in the middle of the night i'd go in and sleep with her. I didn't care about having to sleep with her till she turned 10, I didn't care about not being able to sleep with dan, I just didnt give a shit! What I cared about is that I won my baby back! She loved sleeping in my arms and she loved knowing that if she cried in the middle of the night she could count on me.

    Things were good for a while until we traded in her big queen bed for a toddler bed so her and her sister could share a room. This is when the waking up constantly started. I have JUST broke that, I think, with the sticker reward chart. If it lasts both my girls will be sleepig through the night!

    I know this is long but I wanted to share my story because it sounds like your hubby shares my feelings towards CIO, like he wants to be on board but can't emotionally get there. For dan and I it really was difficult not being on the same page. I would hate for your hubby to feel toward you the way I felt toward dan. I wanted to burn him at the stake, no jokes. I just took full responsibility for bedtime because I was the one against CIO. And that has worked for us.

    I just want to add that I am not against CIO it just didn't work for us. My biofeedback therapist and my pedoatrictian have both told me to let her CIO, my ped even said it may take all night of crying for an entire month" so obviously she sees no emotional/mental repercussions, it just wasn't for us.

    Also just because you cuddle your baby to go to sleep doesn't mean they will always need it. Izzy has NEVER CIO and she sleeps way better than lily. I put her to bed awake, kiss her and read her a story and I never hear from her until the next morning. When she was little I would nurse her until she drifted off and then put her down, when she got a little older i'd put her in the crib sleepy and just caress her little face until she dozed off. It doesn't have to be CIO or co sleeping. There is a happy medium and I've found it with izzy. And hopefully lily is on board, it seems like it!! :D
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    Oh my that's a novel!
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • HestiaHestia
    Posts: 291Member
    I have a 16 month old niece who does exactly the same thing or used to until I figured out a way around it . when she's with me every Sunday nap time is always at the same time , at 1pm. For about a month until I figured it out she was screaming for up to 2 hours because she didn't want to take a nap no matter how exhausted she was . I put her playpen in my son's room for her nap and I discovered that if I turn on the lava lamp well out of her reach of course and turn the radio on to the jazz or classical station it helps provide a distraction for her . besides who doesn't love watching a lava lamp go around and around lol. But the big helping factor I think is that when I put her down for nap I would go and cuddle her for few minutes and then I'd wrap a blanket around her and set her up in the playpen. I think by sitting her up instead of laying her down she doesn't feel quite like I'm putting her down for a nap. It seems like such a small thing but it made a huge difference . I think for her it feels like it's just a chill time to watch the lava lamp and listen to music and of course within 10 minutes she's asleep.
  • HestiaHestia
    Posts: 291Member
    also the great thing about being consistent about what time is naptime her older sister who is now 2 and a half goes to nap time with no argument . she's not always thrilled about it but she says OK in her sad little voice when I tell her its nap time :-)
  • RuralRebellionRuralRebellion
    Posts: 2,817Member
    @eapple I totally get where you are coming from.  For the first 4 months, DD slept in the bassinette beside our bed, mostly out of convenience for me.  It was only going to be 3 months, but at 3 months we moved and I thought I'd just let her do it another month so she could get used to her surroundings.  She transferred to the crib no problem.  I would rock her and give her one last bottle and put her down sleepy or sleeping.  Eventually though, we had to do CIO.  And it worked, great.  It continued to work even after we moved again 4 months ago.  But in November, at 17 months, she already figured out how to climb out of her crib, so it was big girl bed time.  We knew the transition would be hard, but after a couple weeks she seemed to be fine.  We still have a bedtime routine.  We climb into her bed and read stories.  Sometimes just one long one, sometimes 5 short ones.  Depends how wired she seems really.  But last night when she cried for 2 hours it wasn't the first time.  Bedtime has been an ongoing battle for a while now.  Even though we do the same routine every night, she snuggles with me or DH for stories, gets a kiss and whatnot.  As soon as we leave the bed she screams bloody murder.

    She has the fan for white noise, and she did have this "fish tank" light, but the bulb burnt out the other day, but she has her crib's music box strapped to her head board, and it has soft alternating lights.  Not really anything has changed.

    BUT tonight was much better.  Because of the lack of sleep last night, she had a mega long nap this afternoon.  I wanted to wake her so bad so it didn't screw up bedtime, but I felt bad.  Despite letting her sleep late, I just let her have an extra long bath and stay up a half hour longer, and she only cried for maybe 15 minutes.  Not a peep out of her since.

    So hopefully it's a good sign.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Most everyone's mad here. You may notice that I'm not all there myself.