Would You Tell???

Megsue

I'm in the middle of a tough choice. My BIL (the decent one) is texting with a friend's daughter. She's 18...no it's NOT that! She admitted to him that she's been cutting. I don't know all the details, I've just seen a picture of her wrists...

BIL says the Dad will react with a "not under my roof" kind of attitude, and the Mom will "stick her head in the sand."

So ladies and gents...should I advise him to let her Dad in on this or not? I am totally on the fence. I want him to because she needs help. BUT, if she's not going to get support, I don't want to make things worse.

Chocoholic

Yes.

As a parent, as a person, tell. Who cares about age, she is crying for help, so help her, definitely tell.

Ps. You are so amazing @megsue

shate98

I would tell. She needs her family's support in this

Megsue

Thanks @Chocoholic >:D< I feel pretty crappy for not knowing what to do. I've sent him a few links for him to fwd to her. I just REALLY don't want her to have consequences, bad reaction from her parents, etc. I also agree with BIL, he doesn't want to betray her trust. It took a lot for her to open up to him (he's kind of an "uncle"). I know if it were my kid, I'd want to know! I would react with compassion though. I'm not convinced that's the reaction she's going to get AT ALL. :(

unforgiven

I would tell and also reach out to her personally... In case she needs someone else to talk to. Maybe advise them to reveal that they know by catching a glimpse of her wrists not by someone telling them?

Megsue

That is a good idea @unforgiven. I also have to wonder if her parents might already know...I mean, how do not notice that ^^^^ it's right there for the world to see. Maybe she's been giving them excuses? "Cat scratched me."

Chibiko

Chocoholic said:
Yes.

As a parent, as a person, tell. Who cares about age, she is crying for help, so help her, definitely tell.

Ps. You are so amazing @megsue

The proper people DO need to be told.

stinkersmommy

Ya know since she is 18 she doesn't need parental help per se maybe tell him to tell her to make a general Dr. Appt (if she is still medically on dads dime) and get her to fess up to the Dr and get resources there or just tell dad she wants to go to a therapist cuz if the parents are the root of the cutting telling them will majorly backfire

undercoverbanana

If the dad has a "not in my house" attitude, dont tell the parents. Its looks not very deep and experimental. Talk to her directly first. And give her some links so that she knows she is not alone. If the dad is that controlling, he may be part of the problem. You dont want her to get kicked out or locked up. You want to support her, right?

Megsue

Hence the fence ladies!!! I don't know this girl myself (or so BIL says)...I think I probably know her dad, since BIL isn't offering a ton of info. I would LOVE to reach out to her....if I knew who the hell she was.

MorganD

I would tell BIL that if he gives a damn, then he should stop being such a wiener and give up her name already. He needs to suck it up. That girl needs help.

unforgiven

I hid my cuts... There's ways.

KrabbyKay

He doesn't have to tell her parents (it will NOT help if they lose their nut over it), but she is amybe reaching out to him, and you can to her? So she isn't alone? I don't know, you all helped ME talk to and reach DD12 when *she* did it. And she wore bracelets all the time.

Rosamundi

Yes. You tell. You aren't responsible for anyone's response but your own, but you do need to tell.

Hugs. So many.

Megsue

Bump for my daytime ladies.

LittleTalks

In my opinion, if the girl felt able to tell her mother or father she would have done that. She's reaching out for help outside of her family for a reason. I'd encourage her to see a doctor who can put her in touch with a counselling service. If it was a younger kid then yeah the parents should know but she obviously hasn't told them herself because she doesn't think it will help. If your bil goes behind her back and tells her parents then it's just reinforcing her notion that she can't talk to anybody.

LittleTalks

In my opinion, if the girl felt able to tell her mother or father she would have done that. She's reaching out for help outside of her family for a reason. I'd encourage her to see a doctor who can put her in touch with a counselling service. If it was a younger kid then yeah the parents should know but she obviously hasn't told them herself because she doesn't think it will help. If your bil goes behind her back and tells her parents then it's just reinforcing her notion that she can't talk to anybody.

Demanda

I would tell. If that was my child, I'd hope someone would tell me. We called the principal about one of the girl's friends who was cutting (she wouldn't tell us enough info to call her parents) We had to. It just felt irresponsible not to. Of course, our girl got really really mad at us, but we couldn't just let it go...this kid is in grade 7.
We too, were really worried about making things worse for the kid, but at the end of the day, we decided we had to say something.

Matt115

I have been on both sides of the perspective. Yes, it was hard and embarrassing to have someone tell my parents, but now being a parent, i think it'd be very important to let them know. Maybe you could talk to her directly and give her the ultimatum; she tells them or you tell them

Megsue

I don't know her @Matt115, otherwise this wouldn't be the issue it is. I am under the impression that the parents ARE the root problem. Since I don't know her (and have been informed that I don't know the Dad either, my hunch was wrong), I don't know this for a fact. BIL is hesitant because he too thinks that the parents are the problem, or at the very least will react with anger/punishment vs. compassion and wanting to help. Like I said before, as a parent I would want to know...but I would help my child, not punish them for having a very serious problem.

Matt115

Oh no. That does complicate the situation. With that, I'm at a loss. Hopefully she can find the support she needs to overcome the hard times.Best of luck :-SS

BreakOutQueen

Its sort of in BIL hands..if you don't know them, right? I cut, hid it, and a therapist knew because I told her. She told me my parents were nuts BTW lol.. BUT even my hardass Dad, wouldn't have gotten Mad at me, just worried. He didn't know, and it just sort of passed for me, I stopped. That doesn't mean it just passes for others.
But she is 18 (and holding a liquor bottle! so tell BIL he best take that out of the picture if he is sharing it with parents etc) Is she still in high school?
I think I would just tell BIL here is some info, share it with her, and go from there. My first reaction, personally, would Not be to tell parents. If it continues, or she gets more serious about how she cuts..then I think I would start pressing the matter about telling the school nurse/ counselor, or get her to the doctor, or tell her parents. Armed with information for them to read!! Some people don't look at cutting the right way, that its not "just for attention". It means something is very wrong for the poor girl, and Dad would need to get that part of it so he doesn't go into 1950's assholio mode.

LadyKhan

If she is cutting lightly on her wrists and letting it be seen she is looking for someone to notice and care, IMO. Can you tell him to give her your email addy as "someone who can listen without judgement"? Hell, you could give him mine as someone who will listen, understand and not judge. I cut for years. I only ever let someone see once I wanted help. You're awesome for being so compassionate @Megsue. This is such a wonderful community of souls, all of you.

Megsue

Yeah, it's a big ol mess @matt115. @BreakOutQueen did your parents ever find out later what you were doing? How did they react?
@LadyKhan I have told BIL that she is more than welcome to call/text/whatever me. I'm not expecting to hear from her by any stretch of the imagination. But if she does reach out to me, I will get your info from you and let her know you're more than willing to help out.

~X( Why can't this have a cut n' dry answer?

And thanks for all the advice ladies. I have been passing along the information and opinions provided to BIL. It's his decision as to what to do from here.

WinginIt

As a former cutter, I can state from experience that light wrist cuts are "Please for the love of God ask me what's wrong and then try to help me fix it." The dark scars that no one sees on my thighs were something much scarier.

A parent that isn't willing to try to understand will get her nowhere, I'd say find her someone who will honestly work with her. Even if you're not up to it, try and find someone who is.

Megsue

@Chocoholic @shate98 @unforgiven @Chibiko @stinkersmommy @undercoverbanana @MorganD @KrabbyKay @rosamundi @LittleTalks @Demanda @Matt115 @BreakOutQueen @LadyKahn @Winginit

Thank you, thank you for all of your wonderful advice, insight, and stories. I have been texting with BIL for the past hour or so. He had dinner with this girl's father tonight and told him all he knew. Apparently, it was something that they had known about, but thought that the issues had been worked out in previous therapy sessions. She is beyond distraught about her mother suffering from MS. The Dad has said he is thankful that it was brought to his attention again. The subject will be approached delicately and a new therapist will be found. He said she doesn't really like the one she has now. You ladies are amazing! Thanks for the love and support!