The kids are trying to kill my our marriage
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    DSS5 & DSD7 Came to us from they're junkie mom. They have horrible behavior & are have been in councilling over 6 months, it's not helping at all. I am at my wits end! My DD12 is enough of a handful. I am sahm, cook, clean, crafts,shopping, family outings... the works, but all 3 kids act like nothing is ever good enough. These kids are stubborn at every turn like eating, bathing, getting dressed ect. The kids constantly fight, argue & manipulate each other. My almost every waking moment revolves around our kids & it's killing me inside. My H is great, but i feel like the stress from these kids is putting out our once blazing flame. Any advice for putting these kids in check??
  • KacerpieKacerpie
    Posts: 1,119Member
    Have you tried family counseling? Maybe being able to talk it out with you, dh and the step kids will get some issues on the table. Also, have you talked to your hubs about it? What's he say?
    "Please don't talk mom... It makes my brain work..."
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    Both myself & dh join in on the kids councilling. We are very consistent & do what they tell us to do, but it yields no results. We dont like feeling the best part of our day is after our kids are asleep.
  • KiinuKiinu
    Posts: 1,233Member
    I don't know what to tell you, but great big hugs and an 'I know how you feel" moment.

    On the weekends, when my two DsD's are with us, the best part of the day is once they're in bed. Simply because nothing he or I does is good enough for them All. Day. Long. Every. Weekend. and it starts to take it's toll. I'm sorry you're going through this mama.

    ETA: feel free to PM me if you want to talk/vent/freak out in a crazy way. I'll understand. :)
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    Thank you! Yes this has been going on 4 years now. We have only had full custody for 8 months. I just don't understand the loyalty to they're bio mom since she was abusing them & didn't even feed them. I love them every bit as much as i do my own DD but i just can't bare being treated like this by kids.
  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,621Member
    Ours have some issues from their idiot mother - it does get better but it takes a long time and you just have to keep at it. We had the oldest for over a year -nearly two - before we saw her physical and emotional issues get better. The other two have been here for just over a year and it it still a battle with them.

    You just have to remember, they're kids and they will always love their mother no matter how fucked up the situation is. The therapist said right now she thinks ours are moving into feeling guilty because they are so much better off and the bitch, well, isn't.

    Just stick with it. It will get better.
  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,621Member
    And PS - the therapist also pulled me aside and told me, "You and you husband have to do whatever you need to do to get the two of you out WITHOUT the kids so you can do something fun together and reconnect. Don't forget why you married each other - this is just a speedbump."

    It seems so obvious when you say it aloud. But it's not!!
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    omg a year or two?! How long do you go doing something before you can say this isn't working & try something else? I feel like we have tried everything & it will always work for a little while then they push even harder at getting into trouble. 

    I totally agree on getting out more! We rarely get to go anywhere alone & to the grocery store doesn't count! It feels bad to say it but i am beginning to think we put way too much into our kids. My best just doesn't feel good enough! 
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 10,571Member
    It's just time. Time and more time. Believe me, if you weather this storm, @ruseriouschild, your relationship with your husband will be stronger than ever!

    Your kids are going to test every boundary there is. Multiple times. That's kind of what they do. Do you remember when you were a kid, and time seemed to stretch out for forever....and that was just the afternoon? You have the advantage of knowing that time does pass, it does move on, people do get better, even kids.

    Fight the good fight....you are making the optimal choice. Just remember...this is business. Not personal.

    For the kids, I mean.
    Why be a king when you can be a God?
  • AloneOverseasAloneOverseas
    Posts: 2,312Member
    I would almost compare their situation to those of many foster kids. They were living with an abusive and neglectful mother and are now, several years later, moved to another home with their dad and a lady who is not their mom (that would be how they see you, not much different from a stranger). From our experience with foster kids, if they were in a crappy situation for five years, it would take about another five years to turn around.

    We definitely see that with our boys. Our oldest was introduced to us a month before his 5th bday. He will be 9 in Jan ... he is still not like a 'normal' child, still has lots of issues, however things have improved a lot! He has gone through counselling, I have as well with and without him, we have been consistent with our rules but have also been there for him every day for the last almost four years.

    It takes a huge commitment, time, caring ... and patience. You can do it. You will see the rewards, it just takes much longer than expected.

    Our youngest hasn't seen his bio dad in almost a year but still asks about him. We are required to keep in contact with them and try to arrange visits, but the parents blow them off. The kids still want to see them. It boggles our mind, but it is what it is ...
    I love purple; I love cats. Imagine if cats were purple ...
  • realtormomrealtormom
    Posts: 722Member
    Also keep in mind they have been relocated away from their friends and the life they knew. Yes, you are caring for them in the most critical ways, but to them it may be more a feeling of extreme loss, loss of the familiar, of control, of friends, of their mom, etc.
    The past has a vote, not a veto ~ Moredecai Kaplan
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    Glad you chimed in @aloneoverseas. It's been a while since I've heard your story and I was planning on tagging you because it is truly an inspiring one.

    Another thing I think they might be experiencing is that a lot of times in homes likes these the children will take on a caregiving role in some aspects. If the mother isn't doing the parenting of a younger sibling the older one may step in. Or of the mother is emotionally messed up she may rely on the child to comfort her. Even to a point that she cries in the child's arms or falls asleep with the child for comfort. If that is the case they could be feeling a lot of guilt like @willilee mentioned.

    Just keep strong, you're doing a wonderful thing by being there for these children when they need it most and it will pay off eventually. >:D<
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    Thankfully we only live a block away,they go to the same schools & are able to have them see a councilor weekly. Your right @eapple the kids were used as a comforting tool to the bio mom. She use to have visits & at the visits she would try to rock one child the whole time while the younger one would cry & fight for her attention. She gets 2 hours of visitation once a week & she can't even make that happen(thank goodness!) Her constant issues were making the kids sick emotionally & physically. Even in court she cared more about herself looking bad as a mom than caring what the kids were going through. She has a baby in foster care (doesn't belong to my H) It's been 8 mo they have had them & i hope they never give him back. He has mental damage from her drug use while prego & if that wasn't bad enough she wasn't feeding,bathing,dressing him. 
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member

    this is absolutely not a quick fix. and be sure your resentment over their mom doesn't spill over to them.

    don't assume that they know "what they are supposed to do" and are just being stubborn. i was in a foster home as a kid, and i had teen foster sibs that had absolutely no clue clue about hygiene, bathing, and even basic stuff like how to brush their teeth, or wash their hair completely. the other thing is that they may be resentful of basic safety rules, because they don't understand them. they have probably had to deal with so many shitty/scary/safety situations themselves, that they really don't get what you are saying.

     as a matter of fact, i didn't understand the calling or letting somebody when you are going to be late thing until i was in my late 20's. it truly didn't occur to me that someone would be worried, care, or notice if i did or didn't show up. all i heard during my childhood is that i didn't matter, and nobody cared. and, at my house, nobody did.

    those kids are little. really little. i seriously recomend family counseling, because it's obvious you feel a lot of resentment. remember, they don't know anything else, and they are still in survival mode. your entire family needs some coping skills.

    i'm nekkid.
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    I have a question for those of you that have experience in this.... The kids seems to thrive on violence,being manipulative, hurting others or animals, carrying on for hours being sad or depressed to get attention. I have tried to comfort & then walk away from the situation like the councilor says but it's only a matter of minutes before they are back at it again, what are some other things you have tried? 

  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    wow. i think you need more than a counselor. i think you need a child psychologist. it sounds like they have suffered some serious abuse.  i would try something they ARE allowed to hit--something like a punching bag, and get them evaluated by a child psychologist ASAP so you know what you are dealing with.
    i'm nekkid.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    i would also suggest e-mailing my friend grammaburp  (barb) at grammaburp.com.    she was an emergency foster parent for years and years, and she has a ton of experience.
    i'm nekkid.
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    @undercoverbanana I know what you mean about them just not knowing what "normal" things are or  mean. We do our best alongside the councilor to teach them as well as show them many times the daily how to's. My resentment for the bio mom is never EVER voiced around the kids. It would only hurt them. When dsd7 ask or there was a conflict at a visit I explain to her that (insert mom's inappropriate behavior) is not right & it hurts my feelings she chose those action or words. You are absolutely right we need some coping skills!!!! How could anyone be prepared or know what to do when the kids you love so much are so deeply hurt & there is nothing you can do to improve that! We as parents struggle daily in every task with them & have little or no time to be a man, a woman let alone a married couple or a family. I am here asking for help. I appreciate everyone's comments!
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    Thank you i will look into that asap as i don't feel the councilor helps at all. 
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    my friend barb will be more than happy to share her experience and some tips with you. she is a sweetheart, and is very familiar with what you are going through. look her up.
    i'm nekkid.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    those kids need more than  simple counseling.  i sent you a private message.
    i'm nekkid.
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    I have scheduled an eval for both kids! I couldn't believe it when they're councilor told me it will go one of two ways.... He will either say your doing a great job keep it up or here are some pills. The COUNCILOR actually said those words! I will be looking into a new councilor asap


  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    your counselor sucks! glad you got an eval!
    i'm nekkid.
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    I am going to get another eval scheduled at a different therapist office asap too! I am sad i haven't done that sooner! Thank y'all for your help on this!
  • ruseriouschild
    Posts: 47Member
    If everything wasn't stressful enough the grandmother of the kids tried to steal DSD7 from school today! Tomorrow i'm getting a restraining order & i'm serving to her at her work in front of all the employees!
  • JillyB
    Posts: 6Member
    My husband FINALLY got custody of his kids last summer. It has been A HUGE adjustment. They missed over 40 days of school each last year. They survived on fast food and frozen dinners. Getting them to do homework and eat the REAL food we cook was quite a hurdle. We stood our ground - the core word there being WE. WE discussed my limit, his limit and made an OUR limit so we were always on the same page. If one of them refused to eat something, we both did the same thing. It helped us because we never had to second guess what the other was doing or had done, and it presented a united front to the kids.

    We stick to a routine - right down to certain meals on certain nights. "Taco Tuesday" and "Leftover Thursdays." My stepD had to repeat a grade last year and continues to be behind on her reading and writing levels this school year. We work every night with her. StepS has emotional issues that we deal with by taking him to counseling and setting strict boundaries and consequences.

    It has been 7 months since they came to live with us full time, and we still have bumps and problems but it has gotten easier. The more we stick to our routine and as long as he & I are open and honest about what is driving us crazy and make adjustments together, then things even right out. They now ask about Music Night Dinner and know when bedtime is and know the routine for each day, it has helped them find their way in our home.