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Perfect Wife Stereotype
  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 30Member
    Almost everyday I see phrases or pictures or verses that say something along the lines of how a women needs to be or prays to be a good wife to her husband. How the husband is supposed to come first and foremost before anyone or any thing else. Or how you are supposed to pray for his wants and needs. How you are supposed to cater to him. I just always see these things that the woman is supposed to do for the man. It makes me feel as if people still think it is okay for the female to become a "proper housewife" and do everything for the husband.

    Sorry, but in my world, love and marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I won't do a damn thing for someone that they will not do for me with out there being an issue. IF I do something for my husband it is because I am happy to do it NOT because it is my "wifely duty". I refuse to do all the cleaning, parenting, and cooking on my own. Those are all things that require a 50/50 partnership.

    I grew up watching my grandmother cater to all of my grandfather's needs and wants. She cooked him all of his meals and then she would make his plate and hand deliver to him while he sat on the couch watching TV and waiting for her. She dealt with all of his doctor appointments and so forth. I never saw my grandfather do anything for himself.

    I refuse to be the stereotype. I will only do my share in my marriage. Anything more than that is only because I felt the WANT to do it not obligation or force to do it. I believe that in order to have a good marriage both people need to help each other as well as their self. Each person in the marriage as well as the children (if any) should clean up and help their self and not force someone else to do it for you. Although, you should also be willing to help each other out in all areas of life and marriage. 50/50 Marriage. 50/50 Life. Do not depend on others to do everything for you. 
    J.Miranda
  • BookMum
    Posts: 717Member
    50/50 is absolutely right.
    We are pieces of property, no more.

    And if anyones DH expects the wife to fit the stereotype or to be anything other than who she is, then he needs help.
    I shall futterwacken...vigorously*
  • ChristyJChristyJ
    Posts: 880Member
    I don't know who is feeding you this bullshit,  there are also guidelines for the husband to cherish, support and HELP his wife, etcetera, blah blah blah.  We took out the obey part of our vows.  When our minister asked me why, I asked our minister who she thought she was talking to.
    Imperfect and proud of it.
  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 30Member
    @ChristyJ  "husband to cherish, support and HELP his wife" I believe in that very much. It is not the matter of someone feeding these ideas to me. It is simply what I have observed of others. Or what I have seen or heard by others. There are still people out there, mostly men who still believe a wife should obey and cater to their needs. It just saddens as well as angers me to that. It is definitely something I am strongly against. Both sides of a partnership or marriage should equally support and help the other.
    J.Miranda
  • regpregp
    Posts: 1,018Member
    Did you ever ask your grandmother if she was unhappy with her relationship? I'm just curious. Maybe the things he did for her were things you didn't see?

    Anyway, I don't believe in 50/50. I believe in 100/100. I think I've spelled it out here before but it's been awhile. My main goal in life is to make his life easier and happier. He has the same goal - to make my life easier and happier. We pray for each other and we pray together. 
    As for the "obey" part of the vows. I said those gladly because he said he will love me like Jesus loves the church. Which to me means that any decision that he makes, he makes with mine and the family's best interest at heart, not only his best interest. So yes, I believe and so does he that the wife should "obey". But, like @christyj said, there are not just guidelines for the wife :)
    I'm on the Internet Explorer!
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,177Member
    DON'T DRINK THE KOOL-AID!  IDK where you're reading that shit, but clearly they're living in the land of Stepford!

    Perhaps 50 years ago that's the way it was, but even then women clearly weren't happy, else they wouldn't have started burning bras!
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,177Member
    And for the record, even as a good Catholic girl, I prefer "love, honor, and cherish" rather than obey.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 30Member
    Yes, my grandmother was very unhappy and has recently divorced him.

    I like that Both you and your husband try to make each other happy. But as for me I will not OBEY someone else. My life is not meant to be lived to obey my husband. My life is meant to be lived to the best of my ability. To do as much good as possible to love as much as possible and to follow impossible dreams. I will not live for another person. I will live for myself. I will live for my family, as a whole.
    J.Miranda
  • WildandFree
    Posts: 1,595Member
    I will never say "obey" just as he is never expected to "obey" me. We are a team and not the boss of one another. I'm not cut out to be a stepford wife.
  • battibatti
    Posts: 2,164Member
    We ain't in the 50's anymore, ladies! A lot of hubs need to recognize!! We are WOMEN first, above all else!

    I'm the furthest thing from 'Stepford'. Imperfection is beauty. 'Mistakes' are just 'design elements'. ;)

    Love your hubs. Suck him off. A LOT! And you'll be treated like a Queen. ;)
    I prove this fact nearly every damn day. And I have very little to complain about ;)

    SMSM_s_5

  • regpregp
    Posts: 1,018Member
    I suppose our definition of "obey" is a little different. He doesn't order me around and me blindly agree to his demands. In fact, he's never demanded anything of me, ever. 

    I'm sorry about your grandparents :(. My sister's first marriage was like that, he wanted her to OBEY in the most domineering sense of the word.
    I'm on the Internet Explorer!
  • SomeDude
    Posts: 140Member
    I think spouses should be partners; but the problem with 50/50 is that you have to constantly be keeping score to know where you are; and keeping score is just death to a relationship. Being defiant about never being told what to do probably isn't the healthiest thing either. Sometimes he should probably be obeying you and vice versa. Some women even find leadership to be a sexy quality in a spouse. That could lead to some confusion. You might have one thing in mind when you talk about having problems with a wife obeying a husband. But he might hear that you would prefer that he not take a leadership role in the family. (Which is fine if that's what you mean; but could be confusing otherwise.)
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,177Member
    Rather than dividing a relationship into 50/50 or 100/100, it should be give and take, take and give.  One partner will frequently do more, make more, whatever than the other and at other times it will be reversed.

    Any relationship I've ever had, and granted I've never been married, hasn't been about perfect reciprocity.  If it is, then it's not going to succeed because you can never have that.  Regardless of whether its a marital relationship, a business relationship, or just a friendship.  Such is the nature of relationships.  And while I would never want to go back to the '50's, or even the '60's, I think this fundamental nature needs to be realized.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • BassmomBassmom
    Posts: 244Member
    My dh and i had a situation a couple of weeks ago which proves that people still believe in the wife submitting to the husband. We were having a conversation with a lady weve known from church for many years. Shes in her 60's. it came up that i dont go to church anymore (and havent for years). She turned to my husband when i was out of earshot and told him, "you know you can MAKE her go to church, you are her husband and she should obey you". He told her he wouldnt make me do something i didnt want to do.

    It was offensive but that is just the mentality of the older generation. Thank God my husband and I have an equal partnership!
  • MorganD
    Posts: 3,451Member
    I agree with the 50/50 concept, but in the reality of my house, it's not possible. Don't get me wrong, we are partners in our life together, but he is the head of the household. He makes the final decisions. Now, if he becomes unfit to make the final decisions, like my ex, then I will assume the role. However, right now, he doing everything that is best for us, and I will back him on whatever he does.
  • MarySunshineMarySunshine
    Posts: 5,447Member
    @jmiranda98 I have to ask, where are you reading and seeing all of this?

    We are a team. In fact we refer to ourselves as Team [Surname]. You do what's best for you, your husband and family. I am not very religious so I have never heard about praying for your husband's wants and needs. Last I checked everyone was capable of praying for themselves. But that's me. DH and I also decided together to leave out "obey" in our wedding vows, but then we had a secular wedding.

    For some couples the traditional, 1950's-esque marital roles work best. My ILs are kinda cut from that cloth.

    DH and I do what needs to be done. There's no specific chore, errand, action assigned. Whoever is closest, can take care of it sooner, has a free hand....that's who does it. I'll mow the lawn and heft out the garbage. I've been the main breadwinner, now I'm a SAHM. We don't keep tabs though. When you start going tit for tat about who does what you're headed down a unpleasant road.

    We take care of each other.

    I'm as sexy as a burp mid-kiss. Watch out!

  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,402Member
    @jmiranda98, I have the same question as @MarySunshine.  It sounds like the televangelists have taken over all of the media where you live.
  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,005Member
    Days like today, being a Stepford fucking wife doesn't seem like such a bad idea. At least they had no awareness of what was going on around them.
  • theprincessmommytheprincessmommy
    Posts: 672Member
    He works and I stay a home but we manage to stay partners. He won't spend money without running it by me since I do the budget. I won't set punishments for the kids (or rewards /:) ) without running it by him. Even though I run the budget I tell him if I splurged on something. We communicate, which is the key I think even if you "obey" or not. It doesnt matter how things are split up as long as both parties agree and talk it through.
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 6,326Member
    I'm stuck in 1950... its all I've ever know...
    mom of wild children
    going to the chapel 7/5/2014
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,726Member
    @marysunshine I hope one day I can have a marriage like you have! Count me as a cheerleader for your team!
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • AnonUser32AnonUser32
    Posts: 816Guest
    gag, i hate seeing that crap. dh helps a lot, with the kids and the home, and when hes at work he comes home and helps me. he still says im perfect and that hes very grateful to have me (he better!) but to make a woman feel inferior because she isnt the robo wife is crazy, and guys wonder why women go insane! making a woman feel like she is owned and repressed is probably a big reason why a lot have depression. 
    Without reason you have Rhythm and Rhyme the type of girl who knows how to have a good time... You take what you want except no for an answer... And I know first hand you're one hell of a dancer... So calling all cars and low and behold you're a real livewire with a heart of gold
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 6,326Member
    Its not because the guys I am with.. its what I grew up with and is ingrained into me.
    mom of wild children
    going to the chapel 7/5/2014
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 4,234Member
    I grew up with my grandparents and their archaic way of life, but i'll be damned if I'm anyone's servant or maid. We have a partnership. We both give and we both take. We work together (mostly, lol)
    Judgement comes in many forms but never scarce or shy
  • AAA08
    Posts: 427Member

    I don't understand that mentality and never have. My parents are 70(born in 1942 and my mother grew up the youngest of 10 on a farm. Her parents were both born pre-1900), but they both did all kinds of chores. My mom stayed home at times, but often worked. However, she never was a maid/servant and never was my dad "in charge".  She would have told him to "cram it"(her words, not mine, lol).

    We are Lutheran, so I don't buy the whole religious excuse used to hold women down.
    Both did what needed to be done inside and out, did what they knew how to do; I've seen my mom change the oil in a car, and I've seen my dad cook a gourmet meal. They both mowed lawns and shoveled. True, being as my dad worked long hours as a steel mill, my mom did do more housework. However, it was not because "it was her job as a woman". She made dinner most nights, but my dad got his own plate and beverage because he has legs and hands.  

    Both are STRONG, fiesty individuals; damn the person who dared to disrespt my mother and be a sexistt pig- they would both tell them off. I saw that happen as a child at the mechanics- my mom knew what she was talking about.  My dad is big and tough, so in no shape or form did this "emasculate" him like some people would assume(stupid people in my mind).

    They will be celebrating 50 years of marriage this year. I can't imagine a marriage any different. My first marriage was not quite so equal, and his family wanted me to obey and honor, in spute of his alcoholism...yeah, it didn't last long. I was actually shocked to learn people really still thought that way in 2003(his parents were fundamentalist, and I had never met anyone who held those beliefs). This time around, my husband and I are equals. He works more right now(there was a point I did and he stayed home after his deployment and discharge from the army), so I do more around the house, but we are a team. Some things, I'm better at, some things he is, but when push comes to shove, if it needs done, someone does it. And yes, if anyone told me to get them a plate, or they were "in charge of me" or that I needed to "obey" them, well, I would become my mother and tell them to cram it.

  • MarySunshineMarySunshine
    Posts: 5,447Member
    @irishlass Thank you! We've had some rough spots, but never because we weren't on the same page "role" wise. I hope you find someone who will love and cherish you and B, someone who won't take your love for granted. :-) He's out there. And he'll sweep you off your feet while you aren't looking. ;) :D
    I'm as sexy as a burp mid-kiss. Watch out!

  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 30Member
    @AAA08 I love your post the most!!! Congratulations to your parents on a very healthy 50 years Marriage. And Congratulations to you on finding a great husband who equally shares your values.

    @episcopal and @MarySunshine it isnt always the media that I find these thoughts in. I find it all over the internet the church and mostly my family. I grew up in a family (my mothers side) where the "housewife obeys" role is a very common one. The women would turn the other cheek if they saw that the husband was taking a more demanding role or even an abusive role. Even my husbands mother once told me I wasn't doing enough of my wifely duties and that I wasn't doing it right. Really I just wasn't doing things her way. I have also seen a few friends who feel the female should take that role. So I guess it isn't really media that shows me this, it is simply what I am surrounded by.
    J.Miranda
  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 30Member
    If being the housewife and obeying your husband is something you strongly believe in as a woman and you are very happy in that role then, by all means, go right ahead. I will not put down a woman who actually enjoys that lifestyle. To each their own. But that does not mean that is how all woman should be treated or that, that is the role in which every woman should happily take. It is certainly not the one I will take. 


    J.Miranda
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,745Member
    There's something to be said for catering to your husband from time to time. I do what I can for him when he's put in a 70 hour work week. But I will straight laugh at him when he pops off with a "Make me a sandwich, bitch!" because I know he knows better. He's joking, and sometimes I will make him something to eat, but usually just because I'm hungry, too. There will always be those people who take things to an extreme. I think it's more about what makes you happy and what works in your marriage than what others think it should be, kwim?
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
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