Perfect Wife Stereotype
  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 42Member
    Almost everyday I see phrases or pictures or verses that say something along the lines of how a women needs to be or prays to be a good wife to her husband. How the husband is supposed to come first and foremost before anyone or any thing else. Or how you are supposed to pray for his wants and needs. How you are supposed to cater to him. I just always see these things that the woman is supposed to do for the man. It makes me feel as if people still think it is okay for the female to become a "proper housewife" and do everything for the husband.

    Sorry, but in my world, love and marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I won't do a damn thing for someone that they will not do for me with out there being an issue. IF I do something for my husband it is because I am happy to do it NOT because it is my "wifely duty". I refuse to do all the cleaning, parenting, and cooking on my own. Those are all things that require a 50/50 partnership.

    I grew up watching my grandmother cater to all of my grandfather's needs and wants. She cooked him all of his meals and then she would make his plate and hand deliver to him while he sat on the couch watching TV and waiting for her. She dealt with all of his doctor appointments and so forth. I never saw my grandfather do anything for himself.

    I refuse to be the stereotype. I will only do my share in my marriage. Anything more than that is only because I felt the WANT to do it not obligation or force to do it. I believe that in order to have a good marriage both people need to help each other as well as their self. Each person in the marriage as well as the children (if any) should clean up and help their self and not force someone else to do it for you. Although, you should also be willing to help each other out in all areas of life and marriage. 50/50 Marriage. 50/50 Life. Do not depend on others to do everything for you. 
    J.Miranda
  • BookMum
    Posts: 711Member
    50/50 is absolutely right.
    We are pieces of property, no more.

    And if anyones DH expects the wife to fit the stereotype or to be anything other than who she is, then he needs help.
    I shall futterwacken...vigorously*
  • ChristyJChristyJ
    Posts: 982Member
    I don't know who is feeding you this bullshit,  there are also guidelines for the husband to cherish, support and HELP his wife, etcetera, blah blah blah.  We took out the obey part of our vows.  When our minister asked me why, I asked our minister who she thought she was talking to.
    Imperfect and proud of it.
  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 42Member
    @ChristyJ  "husband to cherish, support and HELP his wife" I believe in that very much. It is not the matter of someone feeding these ideas to me. It is simply what I have observed of others. Or what I have seen or heard by others. There are still people out there, mostly men who still believe a wife should obey and cater to their needs. It just saddens as well as angers me to that. It is definitely something I am strongly against. Both sides of a partnership or marriage should equally support and help the other.
    J.Miranda
  • regpregp
    Posts: 1,445Member
    Did you ever ask your grandmother if she was unhappy with her relationship? I'm just curious. Maybe the things he did for her were things you didn't see?

    Anyway, I don't believe in 50/50. I believe in 100/100. I think I've spelled it out here before but it's been awhile. My main goal in life is to make his life easier and happier. He has the same goal - to make my life easier and happier. We pray for each other and we pray together. 
    As for the "obey" part of the vows. I said those gladly because he said he will love me like Jesus loves the church. Which to me means that any decision that he makes, he makes with mine and the family's best interest at heart, not only his best interest. So yes, I believe and so does he that the wife should "obey". But, like @christyj said, there are not just guidelines for the wife :)
    The only thing saving you from me is Jesus.
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    DON'T DRINK THE KOOL-AID!  IDK where you're reading that shit, but clearly they're living in the land of Stepford!

    Perhaps 50 years ago that's the way it was, but even then women clearly weren't happy, else they wouldn't have started burning bras!
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    And for the record, even as a good Catholic girl, I prefer "love, honor, and cherish" rather than obey.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 42Member
    Yes, my grandmother was very unhappy and has recently divorced him.

    I like that Both you and your husband try to make each other happy. But as for me I will not OBEY someone else. My life is not meant to be lived to obey my husband. My life is meant to be lived to the best of my ability. To do as much good as possible to love as much as possible and to follow impossible dreams. I will not live for another person. I will live for myself. I will live for my family, as a whole.
    J.Miranda
  • Quietmom
    Posts: 2,986Member
    I will never say "obey" just as he is never expected to "obey" me. We are a team and not the boss of one another. I'm not cut out to be a stepford wife.
    Like a river and a waterfall, a strong person channels their own path...
  • battibatti
    Posts: 2,167Member
    We ain't in the 50's anymore, ladies! A lot of hubs need to recognize!! We are WOMEN first, above all else!

    I'm the furthest thing from 'Stepford'. Imperfection is beauty. 'Mistakes' are just 'design elements'. ;)

    Love your hubs. Suck him off. A LOT! And you'll be treated like a Queen. ;)
    I prove this fact nearly every damn day. And I have very little to complain about ;)

    SMSM_s_5

  • regpregp
    Posts: 1,445Member
    I suppose our definition of "obey" is a little different. He doesn't order me around and me blindly agree to his demands. In fact, he's never demanded anything of me, ever. 

    I'm sorry about your grandparents :(. My sister's first marriage was like that, he wanted her to OBEY in the most domineering sense of the word.
    The only thing saving you from me is Jesus.
  • SomeDude
    Posts: 191Member
    I think spouses should be partners; but the problem with 50/50 is that you have to constantly be keeping score to know where you are; and keeping score is just death to a relationship. Being defiant about never being told what to do probably isn't the healthiest thing either. Sometimes he should probably be obeying you and vice versa. Some women even find leadership to be a sexy quality in a spouse. That could lead to some confusion. You might have one thing in mind when you talk about having problems with a wife obeying a husband. But he might hear that you would prefer that he not take a leadership role in the family. (Which is fine if that's what you mean; but could be confusing otherwise.)
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    Rather than dividing a relationship into 50/50 or 100/100, it should be give and take, take and give.  One partner will frequently do more, make more, whatever than the other and at other times it will be reversed.

    Any relationship I've ever had, and granted I've never been married, hasn't been about perfect reciprocity.  If it is, then it's not going to succeed because you can never have that.  Regardless of whether its a marital relationship, a business relationship, or just a friendship.  Such is the nature of relationships.  And while I would never want to go back to the '50's, or even the '60's, I think this fundamental nature needs to be realized.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • BassmomBassmom
    Posts: 474Member
    My dh and i had a situation a couple of weeks ago which proves that people still believe in the wife submitting to the husband. We were having a conversation with a lady weve known from church for many years. Shes in her 60's. it came up that i dont go to church anymore (and havent for years). She turned to my husband when i was out of earshot and told him, "you know you can MAKE her go to church, you are her husband and she should obey you". He told her he wouldnt make me do something i didnt want to do.

    It was offensive but that is just the mentality of the older generation. Thank God my husband and I have an equal partnership!
  • MorganD
    Posts: 3,436Member
    I agree with the 50/50 concept, but in the reality of my house, it's not possible. Don't get me wrong, we are partners in our life together, but he is the head of the household. He makes the final decisions. Now, if he becomes unfit to make the final decisions, like my ex, then I will assume the role. However, right now, he doing everything that is best for us, and I will back him on whatever he does.
  • MarySunshineMarySunshine
    Posts: 7,953Member
    @jmiranda98 I have to ask, where are you reading and seeing all of this?

    We are a team. In fact we refer to ourselves as Team [Surname]. You do what's best for you, your husband and family. I am not very religious so I have never heard about praying for your husband's wants and needs. Last I checked everyone was capable of praying for themselves. But that's me. DH and I also decided together to leave out "obey" in our wedding vows, but then we had a secular wedding.

    For some couples the traditional, 1950's-esque marital roles work best. My ILs are kinda cut from that cloth.

    DH and I do what needs to be done. There's no specific chore, errand, action assigned. Whoever is closest, can take care of it sooner, has a free hand....that's who does it. I'll mow the lawn and heft out the garbage. I've been the main breadwinner, now I'm a SAHM. We don't keep tabs though. When you start going tit for tat about who does what you're headed down a unpleasant road.

    We take care of each other.

    "I don't poop. I create magic."- ABC

    I'm as sexy as a burp mid-kiss. Watch out!

    For every loser there's one that has to win. So bite your tongue, grit your teeth and grin...
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,851Member
    @jmiranda98, I have the same question as @MarySunshine.  It sounds like the televangelists have taken over all of the media where you live.
  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,621Member
    Days like today, being a Stepford fucking wife doesn't seem like such a bad idea. At least they had no awareness of what was going on around them.
  • theprincessmommytheprincessmommy
    Posts: 701Member
    He works and I stay a home but we manage to stay partners. He won't spend money without running it by me since I do the budget. I won't set punishments for the kids (or rewards /:) ) without running it by him. Even though I run the budget I tell him if I splurged on something. We communicate, which is the key I think even if you "obey" or not. It doesnt matter how things are split up as long as both parties agree and talk it through.
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    I'm stuck in 1950... its all I've ever know...
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 7,057Member
    @marysunshine I hope one day I can have a marriage like you have! Count me as a cheerleader for your team!
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • AnonUser32AnonUser32
    Posts: 793Guest
    gag, i hate seeing that crap. dh helps a lot, with the kids and the home, and when hes at work he comes home and helps me. he still says im perfect and that hes very grateful to have me (he better!) but to make a woman feel inferior because she isnt the robo wife is crazy, and guys wonder why women go insane! making a woman feel like she is owned and repressed is probably a big reason why a lot have depression. 
    Without reason you have Rhythm and Rhyme the type of girl who knows how to have a good time... You take what you want except no for an answer... And I know first hand you're one hell of a dancer... So calling all cars and low and behold you're a real livewire with a heart of gold
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    Its not because the guys I am with.. its what I grew up with and is ingrained into me.
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    I grew up with my grandparents and their archaic way of life, but i'll be damned if I'm anyone's servant or maid. We have a partnership. We both give and we both take. We work together (mostly, lol)
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • AAA08
    Posts: 427Member

    I don't understand that mentality and never have. My parents are 70(born in 1942 and my mother grew up the youngest of 10 on a farm. Her parents were both born pre-1900), but they both did all kinds of chores. My mom stayed home at times, but often worked. However, she never was a maid/servant and never was my dad "in charge".  She would have told him to "cram it"(her words, not mine, lol).

    We are Lutheran, so I don't buy the whole religious excuse used to hold women down.
    Both did what needed to be done inside and out, did what they knew how to do; I've seen my mom change the oil in a car, and I've seen my dad cook a gourmet meal. They both mowed lawns and shoveled. True, being as my dad worked long hours as a steel mill, my mom did do more housework. However, it was not because "it was her job as a woman". She made dinner most nights, but my dad got his own plate and beverage because he has legs and hands.  

    Both are STRONG, fiesty individuals; damn the person who dared to disrespt my mother and be a sexistt pig- they would both tell them off. I saw that happen as a child at the mechanics- my mom knew what she was talking about.  My dad is big and tough, so in no shape or form did this "emasculate" him like some people would assume(stupid people in my mind).

    They will be celebrating 50 years of marriage this year. I can't imagine a marriage any different. My first marriage was not quite so equal, and his family wanted me to obey and honor, in spute of his alcoholism...yeah, it didn't last long. I was actually shocked to learn people really still thought that way in 2003(his parents were fundamentalist, and I had never met anyone who held those beliefs). This time around, my husband and I are equals. He works more right now(there was a point I did and he stayed home after his deployment and discharge from the army), so I do more around the house, but we are a team. Some things, I'm better at, some things he is, but when push comes to shove, if it needs done, someone does it. And yes, if anyone told me to get them a plate, or they were "in charge of me" or that I needed to "obey" them, well, I would become my mother and tell them to cram it.

  • MarySunshineMarySunshine
    Posts: 7,953Member
    @irishlass Thank you! We've had some rough spots, but never because we weren't on the same page "role" wise. I hope you find someone who will love and cherish you and B, someone who won't take your love for granted. :-) He's out there. And he'll sweep you off your feet while you aren't looking. ;) :D
    "I don't poop. I create magic."- ABC

    I'm as sexy as a burp mid-kiss. Watch out!

    For every loser there's one that has to win. So bite your tongue, grit your teeth and grin...
  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 42Member
    @AAA08 I love your post the most!!! Congratulations to your parents on a very healthy 50 years Marriage. And Congratulations to you on finding a great husband who equally shares your values.

    @episcopal and @MarySunshine it isnt always the media that I find these thoughts in. I find it all over the internet the church and mostly my family. I grew up in a family (my mothers side) where the "housewife obeys" role is a very common one. The women would turn the other cheek if they saw that the husband was taking a more demanding role or even an abusive role. Even my husbands mother once told me I wasn't doing enough of my wifely duties and that I wasn't doing it right. Really I just wasn't doing things her way. I have also seen a few friends who feel the female should take that role. So I guess it isn't really media that shows me this, it is simply what I am surrounded by.
    J.Miranda
  • JMiranda89JMiranda89
    Posts: 42Member
    If being the housewife and obeying your husband is something you strongly believe in as a woman and you are very happy in that role then, by all means, go right ahead. I will not put down a woman who actually enjoys that lifestyle. To each their own. But that does not mean that is how all woman should be treated or that, that is the role in which every woman should happily take. It is certainly not the one I will take. 


    J.Miranda
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 4,370Member
    There's something to be said for catering to your husband from time to time. I do what I can for him when he's put in a 70 hour work week. But I will straight laugh at him when he pops off with a "Make me a sandwich, bitch!" because I know he knows better. He's joking, and sometimes I will make him something to eat, but usually just because I'm hungry, too. There will always be those people who take things to an extreme. I think it's more about what makes you happy and what works in your marriage than what others think it should be, kwim?
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • SSMadreSSMadre
    Posts: 90Member

    I fully agree with the 50/50 but rarely does it work that way. I will be as good to someone as they are to me. I have been struggling with this myself...

  • Zippydrink
    Posts: 1,606Member
    It's communication and trust and knowing that it's not about you. I didn't get married for me when I married DH I married him because I couldn't imagine my life without him and because he makes me want to be a better person. I want to make him happy and see him smile and vice versa. If I am a quarter of as good to him as he is to me I would be ecstatic but I try and show him every damn day :). That's what my almost 45 year strong parents taught me. I didn't get it right the first time but I hit the jackpot the second :)
  • tothemoonandbacktothemoonandback
    Posts: 3,934Member
    Holy smokes, I haven't seen crap like that other than in movies!
    Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe
  • _ConcreteAngel__ConcreteAngel_
    Posts: 762Member
    Sadly, I've heard all of this crap outside of the movies. Infact it is the MAIN reason why my ex and I are no longer an item. He wanted me to be just like "June Cleaver."  
    You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
    ― Anne Lamott
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    You are obviously a religious woman. The bible says that a husband is supposed to love his wife like god loves the church/temple. Supposed to be a two way street.
    i'm nekkid.
  • Redheadedstepmom
    Posts: 45Member
    I work full time outside of the home, I get the girls up and off to school/daycare everyday before work, I come home cook dinner, feed the fur babies, and pick up the living room.  When I make dinner, 9 out of 10 times I do take DH his plate on the couch.  I take DD and DSD their plates too.  

    DH has to get up for work at 4am and is out the door by 4:30 (the reason I get the girls ready). DH picks up the girls and plays with the toddler until I get home.  While I cook, he gives DD a bath. When dinner is done DH does the dishes and cleans the kitchen while I pick up the living room.  He also puts DD to bed most nights and then goes to bed too.  That way I can have some Mommy time. He also does all the laundry on weekends while I do the house work. We are a good team.   
    If I would have left off the second paragraph I would have sounded like the stereo type. LOL
    * Live like you were dying, and love like there is no tomorrow *
  • mummyforever
    Posts: 376Member
    My XH is Maltese, but he wasn't overly controlling. I made it pretty clear early on that that wasn't gonna fly. His parents have a very traditional marriage, but then take it to the extreme! His mother's sole purpose in life is pretty much to serve him. Multiple times, with me standing right there, my XH's dad or brothers would tell him to control me better. Just coz I would't always run to get him a beer or such if I was busy. One time I was getting ready to go to the pub with the girls and his dad said right in front of me "are you just gonna let her go!" Aahh...yes he is!
  • OwensmamaOwensmama
    Posts: 2,129Member
    @mummyforever my jaw just hit the floor no way!
  • mummyforever
    Posts: 376Member
    Oh it gets better @Owensmama! He had an affair on and off for bout 2yrs. His mum was always on my side calling him an arse and telling him to treat me and his kids better. Then I left. She told me she was so disappointed in me. I was like WHAT! She explained that I had the right to yell, scream, throw plates at him if I wanted, but we don't leave. I was like yeah what the fuck ever!
  • OwensmamaOwensmama
    Posts: 2,129Member
    @mummyforever jeese what the f*$%? Thats not cool you had every right to leave
  • Zippydrink
    Posts: 1,606Member
    I remember my Dad telling me a story about when he was in the service and a guy he was colleagues with who was Turkish telling him his ils and family were mad at him for not beating his wife. Apparently his wife felt he didn't love her or he would take the time to do it. Different cultures are amazing sometimes jeesh
  • jennygoat
    Posts: 492Member
    My grandparents had that sort of relationship. It didn't hit me how unhealthy it was for both of them until my grandma died and gramps was completely and totally LOST without her. He barely could figure out when to eat never mind what. House upkeep, nope, wash dishes, nope, grocery shop, sort of since he drove her there 'cause she wouldn't drive. That was mans work.
    Grampa was a near genius in his line of work and always kind, I never heard him say anything mean or put grandma down. Just the way they lived, I wouldn't want to live that way even with a good man.

    My other grandparents, well grandma did not do much of anything, alchoholic and more than half crazy, grandpa cooked and cleaned and everything as far as I ever knew them. After she died he was like a free man.
    Any way, I look at me and DH as partners, we help each other, I have been the primary $$ earner, for like 12 years, and now he is. I do most of the home stuff now and he works his ass off at his business. If something about the house is not done the way he wants it then he is welcome to do it.
  • someonesomewhere
    Posts: 657Member
    I agree with the give and take marriage. That's what I saw growing up, thank God. The other version makes me want to puke. We are equalsin our house.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    I think @episcopal is the perfect person to ask about this.
    And @birdie.
    i'm nekkid.
  • BirdieBirdie
    Posts: 2,377Member
    This is the way things work in my house: my husband is the head of our household. We discuss all major decisions but the final outcome is ultimately up to him. He works, I stay home. I cook, clean and watch the kids during the day. Once he is home he helps with the kids including bath and bedtime. I do serve him his meal. But then again I serve them all. For me it's my way of saying thank you for working hard today, take a minute to relax. We eat about a half hour after he gets home. On weekends he does the same for me. I get to sit and be served. He is even learning to cook. For me the things I do to honor my husband are biblical because they are what I believe in. I grew up in a single parent house. It's not what I knew. What I do now serving my husband and my family makes ME feel happy and needed. My goal is to try and abide by what Proverbs 31 says a woman should be. Not because I'm brainwashed into but because it has given me a purpose. I had a job from the time I was 12 and babysitting to holding 2 jobs when I married DH. I moved away from my family and he gave me the opportunity to stay home if I wanted. I took him up on it. I missed a lot of dd's milestones and wanted to be there with ds. Doing these things makes me feel like I'm holding my own in this family. That I may not be contributing to the income butto the outcome. I'm told often that they wouldn't be able to function without me. I pray daily for my husband but know in turn that he prays for me. He does so outloud every night in bed. He thanks God for giving Him a wife who works hard and takes care of him and his children. I just got a text saying thanks for all I do. My house isn't perfect. I don't dress the best. But we are all happy.

    SMSM_s_5

  • SasafrasSasafras
    Posts: 1,627Member
    SomeDude said:

    I think spouses should be partners; but the problem with 50/50 is that you have to constantly be keeping score to know where you are; and keeping score is just death to a relationship. Being defiant about never being told what to do probably isn't the healthiest thing either. Sometimes he should probably be obeying you and vice versa. Some women even find leadership to be a sexy quality in a spouse. That could lead to some confusion. You might have one thing in mind when you talk about having problems with a wife obeying a husband. But he might hear that you would prefer that he not take a leadership role in the family. (Which is fine if that's what you mean; but could be confusing otherwise.)




    Just a little blerp on keeping score, most women will let a man know when he is slacking, and men should be the same way. It's not about keeping score who is doing more ect... But keeping people accountable when they fall off the track. You better believe I want to hear if I'm slacking when it come to sex, work, or housekeeping, just like I want him to know that I need more help.

  • SasafrasSasafras
    Posts: 1,627Member
    Well fuck this was from 2012
  • TheMomFactorTheMomFactor
    Posts: 5,092Member
    I'm what I like to call undomesticated. lol I love my SO, I'd do anything for him, and he does come first, but that's because I want to put him first. He's a wonderful man, and I appreciate him. That being said, I don't have to ask him to do very much. He simply does it. Admittedly, he's absentminded about some stuff, but it's apart of his charm (sometimes).lol I would never cater to his every whim and I doubt he'd let me, he's a proud man.
    "Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way."-The Seventh Doctor

    "One may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel."
  • someonesomewhere
    Posts: 657Member
    @themomfactor, that exactly. And I was raised Lutheran with parents very involved in church. They have been married 50 years. Nobody obeys anyone; they work together and nobody is in charge. I guess whatever makes you happy, but I'd be miserable any other way.
  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 3,760Member

    I work full time outside of the home, I get the girls up and off to school/daycare everyday before work, I come home cook dinner, feed the fur babies, and pick up the living room.  When I make dinner, 9 out of 10 times I do take DH his plate on the couch.  I take DD and DSD their plates too.  


    DH has to get up for work at 4am and is out the door by 4:30 (the reason I get the girls ready). DH picks up the girls and plays with the toddler until I get home.  While I cook, he gives DD a bath. When dinner is done DH does the dishes and cleans the kitchen while I pick up the living room.  He also puts DD to bed most nights and then goes to bed too.  That way I can have some Mommy time. He also does all the laundry on weekends while I do the house work. We are a good team.   
    If I would have left off the second paragraph I would have sounded like the stereo type. LOL



    I love the last line @redheadedstepmom!  This is very close to our household. 
    My beach is still Sandy....
  • Zippydrink
    Posts: 1,606Member
    @Birdie while I'm not religious I think the family you have made is beautiful :)
  • Tanstaafl2Tanstaafl2
    Posts: 1,261Member

    My mom stayed home, and there was a definite division of labor, but anybody who knows them knows that she's the one calling the shots in that household.  The home is HER domain, and woe to anyone who challenges her about it.  She didn't tell him how to be an engineer and design/run a factory, and he didn't tell her how to run a household and do all the various work that entails.  That may not work for everyone, but it seems to work for them (46 years and counting).  It's not that I haven't seen households where the husband is waited on hand and foot (my in-law's were like that until MIL passed away), but it's an alien experience to me.

    As for what I'd consider ideal - each should think of him or herself as the others' willing and loving servant.  You will find an arrangement that is satisfying to each of you or you won't last long.  If you're keeping score, your marriage is already in a heap-load of trouble.

    There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch (TANSTAAFL)