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KMetz's Review....The unsexy truth
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    Ok, Ill just start from the beginning...

    I did check out the website before it came becuase I wanted to see what was headed my way and not be shocked or to see if it was really crazy becuase my nosy mom likes to open my mail, I was sort of hoping she would find it first :p

    It comes in a descreeet purple box with a pretty ribbon and a  Bedroom Chemist sticker...which my 3 year old son promptly found and put on his shirt for all to see.  Inside was the Vibrator, Candle, Flower Balm, Lube, scratch offs some little cards to hand out, a Tip book and a battery for said vibe.  

    I was going to break it down by piece, but I figure giving you a run down of the night might be more entertaining.


    First we both read the Tip Book.  Not many tips really.  More of a "no-duh" explanation of some of the items in the kit.  Tim wasnt really impressed, but were not virgins so we could pretty much figure out the stuff on our own.  
    We lit the candle which does smell really good.  It smells (to me anyways) like the tangerine soap from Bath and Body works...I bought the soap so obviously like the smell.  We let it burn for a while becuase we needed it to melt to get to the massage oil.  I shit you not..as we were waiting we just kind of looked at each other with a "what now" look...Once it burned down a bit I claimed dibs on the massage.  He dipped his fingers into the oil (without checking if it was still really hot)  and dripped some on my back.  (Really hot oil on my back is not sexy btw)  Once the dumbass let it cool a bit he started giving me the massage.  It felt REALLY good and it smelled really good.  He made this really odd sound and he said exact words "Its not rubbing in...its like bacon grease" I promise we don't rub bacon grease on each other.  While the massage itself was awesome, the oil was not.


    Still sticky from the oil we decided to try the Flower Balm.  I did what it said, put it on my lips (didn't put any on the nips becuase Im still breast feeding so there was nothing tingly going on those) then dh started rubbing it on the lower region.  I really didnt feel anything happening on my lips or y clitteral (I made that word up just now) area so he put more on.  Nothing.

    He busted out the vibrator and started that...that was good.  The best part..It comes with a battery that actually says naughty...its my favorite battery ever!!



    image


    While he was using it I started to feel the tingling.  It was weird..good weird though so we started actually doing it.  Then the tingling got more intense.  Then more intense.  and after a few minutes it felt like my lips and my clit were being whipped by a leather whip that happened to be on fire.  Not good.  Bad...fire and clits do not belong in the same sentence.  We had to stop.  I had to run to the shower to wash off all the balm I could.  Totally ruined the mood.  Thankfully the vibrator is waterproof so the evening wasnt a complete waste....

    The balm got a very swift burial in our trashcan, the vibrator is currently residing in our shower where it will stay...the candle is still going to be used but as a candle only.  The packets of lube were generic average lube packets you can get from the porn store for fifty cents.  Its sad but the best part for me of the kits was the awesome battery.  The vibe was nice but for the overall cost of a curved vibrator ($17.00 on adam and eve.com) which looks like this 

    Neon Jr. G-Spot Softee Vibrator  and the Bedroom chemist one that looks like this: image(stole someone else's pic sorry)  They are almost identical.  

    So basically bluntly put, if I would have spent $50 on the kit of my own money I would be PISSED.  There are some perks to it (Vibrator, nice candle) but for half the cost you could get a vibrator from another sex toy shop delivered just as discreetly and a nice smelling candle from the dollar store.  

    All in all, not worth the money and if I had signed up for the automatic delivery I would be cancelling it as we speak.


    any questions feel free!
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • Thefinder
    Posts: 1,631Member
    I am pissing myself laughing
  • SassySassy
    Posts: 2,396Member
    Bahahaha!
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    thanks for enjoying my pain :P
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • ChibikoChibiko
    Posts: 2,690Member
    Ahahahaha love the mental images you paint.
    U R who U think U R

    "You were the truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all"
  • GoneCrazy
    Posts: 49Member
    That has got to be the best review I have ever read!!! =))
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,889Confessional Manager
    Awesome! Thank you so much for your honesty, I'm sorry for the price you paid though. LOL

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 3,206Member
    I laughted out loud at your description of your clit being hit with a leather whip whilst it was on fire.
    Photobucket
  • AloneOverseasAloneOverseas
    Posts: 2,252Member
    And this is why I refuse to use any foreign objects, oils, balms, liquids ... Ouch! Haha
    I love purple; I love cats. Imagine if cats were purple ...
  • gamommiegamommie
    Posts: 350Member
    OMFG...I doubled over dropped my phone and hubs thinks I am insane. I am sooo sorry for your disappointment but your description made my whole damn night!
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,758Member
    Awesome!!! I love you miss lady!!!
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    Maybe mine is just overly sensitive due to neglect
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • ChibikoChibiko
    Posts: 2,690Member
    Like a cheese grater.
    U R who U think U R

    "You were the truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all"
  • OpheliaOphelia
    Posts: 3,291Member
    I have tears running down my cheeks. You had me at the candle...
    Nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile.. -Grateful Dead<3
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    Chibiko said:

    Like a cheese grater.



    Yup i was trying to spare the mental picture
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • pdxmama
    Posts: 1,489Member
    Oh god, I'm fucking crying imagining your man's face, "It's like... Bacon grease!" =D> =))
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,891Member
    "Its not rubbing in...its like bacon grease" I promise we don't rub bacon grease on each other'''

    Makes me want to rub bacon grease on Dw, but I'd die in the process.
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    Yea... I'm still not sure why he compared it to bacon grease... something's are best left unknown
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • AnonUser34
    Posts: 1,825Guest
    Is it weird this all played in my head like a movie as I read it =)) I'm sorry, your poor Vajaja!!
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,968Administrator, Moderator
    I keep waiting for someone to say it...and no one has said it yet...so I will:

    Is it just me, or is this little vibe about the size of a man's FINGER?

    I mean, if you're just looking to spice things up a little, and play around, I love the feel of the silicone! It's a cool little toy to play around with.

    But when I'm trying to actually get off....I like my peen to be grown-up man-sized.

    This vibe will most definitely not be in my solo-play collection.

    community-manager


  • AnonUser28
    Posts: 2,083Guest
    I am deleting all my content.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,968Administrator, Moderator
    PallasAthene said:

    @Love I said as much in my review. It's not girthy enough. It's fun for a little extra when you are playing with your partner, but no good for going solo...



    girthy LOL I like that!
    E was really happy with the size of it, though. He was like WOW ok yeah, I can deal with that LOL

    community-manager


  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    its good for a quick O...just keep it right on the hot button...not good for a mastubationathon
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,889Confessional Manager
    I think I may be the only woman that the vibration does nothing for.. It's more annoying for me. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    unforgiven said:

    I think I may be the only woman that the vibration does nothing for.. It's more annoying for me. 



    even really slow?
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,889Confessional Manager
    @kmetz44 yup. It's weird right?

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • Country
    Posts: 141Member

    I have to say that after feeling so down this morning y'all have given me a great laugh. I have been rolling with laughter and i think it is freaking my grandson and hubby out. :)) =))


    However on a more serious not since this is a descussion about sex toys and such iwas wansering if there is any advise anyne can give me. My husband had prostate sergury almost two years ago and we are still having a few issues with our sex life. He is will but the ower region isnt. It is very seldom that he can perform. I was thinking about ordering the Bedroom Kit but after reading what you have said here I think I will try to find something else to try. What I am asking is is there any advice anyone can give me. Pills are out of the question because he has health issues. I have have never had any toys before either because we never had the use fr them. he was a very vigorous man. We use to have more sex then a 16 year old that just descovered what it is. Any help or advice is very welcome at this point.   

    [-O<
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    unforgiven said:

    @kmetz44 yup. It's weird right?



    as long as you can find something that does get you off...  You're a complicated lady Ms. @Unforgiven!!!
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    @Country, have you EVER used toys in the bedroom?
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • Country
    Posts: 141Member

    Kmetz44, No we have never used anything at all.


     

  • TurthipoTurthipo
    Posts: 340Member
    @unforgiven oh thank goodness I'm not the only one... I always thought I was
    My clit is über sensitive and vibration hurts, it just annoys me and i don't get anywhere
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,889Confessional Manager
    @turthipo Thank goodness I'm not the only one!!! It really does nothing for me and my lady part isn't even really that sensitive and it doesn't hurt but I'm just thinking "really? is this it? this does nothing for me"

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • TurthipoTurthipo
    Posts: 340Member
    LoL Yup I hear ya on that.... @unforgiven
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    @country my suggestion would be to start with a simple vibrator. You can get them online for pretty cheap, and they all come shipped discreetly if you don't want to go to a porn store. I would suggest you involve your dh in picking one out and start with him using it on you.
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    sad update...vibrator not REALLY waterproof...it joins the clitburner gel in the garbage already
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
  • ScaryMommyScaryMommy
    Posts: 3,565Administrator
    @kmetz44 That sucks!! So sorry to hear about your experience, but I'm sure it's valuable (and amusing) feedback. Hope the burning didn't last too long. Yikes.
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,749Member
    That "clit burning" thing is why I can't use the KY his and hers, so I guess I won't be trying the balm, either. I'll just stick with AstroGlide...best stuff there is!!
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • BedroomChemist
    Posts: 4Member
    Hi kmetz44 from Emily and Andee, co-founders of Bedroom Chemist.  
    We wanted to extend our sincerest thanks for reviewing our Chemist's Kit and for your open and honest feedback.  We're so sorry you had a disappointing experience with the products.  As you probably know from our website http://bedroomchemist.com, we have a panel of women of various ages, life-stages, and experience with intimacy products who try each and every product before we finalize our Kits. We've received nothing but universal praise about the products in this Kit, so it's very helpful to hear your different perspective. 
    On that note, since your experience was so vastly different than the rest of the women on our panel, we would like to extend you an invitation to join next month's reviewing committee.  We take all feedback very seriously before we finalize our Kits so, if you are interested, please contact us via our website.  
    Regarding your feedback on the Flower Balm, we contacted our distributor with your feedback and they informed us that women may experience a range of sensitivity based on their unique body chemistry and hormonal fluctuations (e.g. time of the month).  Nevertheless, we are sorry that you experienced such an extreme sensation. If you are interested, we are happy to exchange your Flower Balm for a different product to see if that suits you better.  Again, please contact us via our website.  
    When we started Bedroom Chemist, our #1 goal was to help couples reconnect—starting in the bedroom.  Andee has been married for 12 years, and Emily has been married for 6 and our observation has been that all couples—even the ones in the best relationships—fall into a routine in the bedroom.  So as both business owners and customers, we truly strive to create and send a fantastic product that our members (and our own DHs) look forward to receiving every 6 weeks.  Call us perfectionists, but we just aren't happy unless all of our customers are.  To that end, our policy is that if any of our members are dissatisfied with a product or it doesn't work, we will replace it with a like item and immediately inform the manufacturer of the issue.
    Again, thank you for your time and feedback.  Regardless of whether you decide to subscribe to Bedroom Chemist or not, we hope that you and your DH continue to have a wonderful bedroom connection.  
    Emily & Andee 
  • 2isenuff84
    Posts: 52Member
    Oh boy! lol
  • joym30
    Posts: 56Member
    Oh wow. That sucks. Thanks for doing these types of reviews. I sure wouldn't like to be burned in my fun spots.
  • wreckless_abandon
    Posts: 53Member
    You had me at "Bacon Grease"

    DYING laughing about that, because I can hear my SO saying the same damn thing.

    Sorry about your fire clit.  I'm, glad the flames were doused.  I had a similar experience with a balm/lube.  It was AWFUL.
  • kmetz44kmetz44
    Posts: 2,519Member
    Omg my dh and i reread this review last night and were dying... we lit the candle and he touched the wax and said " yup... bacon grease" smdh
    Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way
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