Cruel and Unusual Punishment
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    So Wednesday afternoon, my wife said the recliner was getting smaller, and I said something I realized I shouldn't have ever said. She said the recliner was shrinking because she was no longer comfortable to lay in, I made the dumb mistake of saying "Babe, its not the recliner, your ass is just bigger because of the kiddos". Yeah I know, I'm a fucking horrible person for it, but as soon as it came out my mouth time stood still. I had an internal dialogue with myself realizing what the fuck I just said and the repercussions of it. "Oh okay, I guess my huge ass is my problem", I told her thats not what I meant, and I'm sorry.

    So Sunshines Bday is in a couple weeks, and *WE* had planned to go out and let her give us ideas, nope. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.  I got what we say to the dogs before we leave, "Sit, Stay, Good Dog". I immediately was told I was fucking idiot by several charming women, and persuaded to get flowers, and rub her feet.  Fast-forward 4 hours, she comes home with a 3x3x3 box. The box has no labels, weighs about 3 pounds, sounds like styrofoam when you shake it, and covered in tamper proof security tape. The only thing out of her mouth about the box, "Stay The fuck Outta The box". Yesterday she told Sunshine if I pick up the box to yell for her, and she can have a reward for ratting me out, and there I sat thinking she was a daddies girl. Nope, fuck that, she was tailing me all day making sure she could yell for mommy when I touched the box. This box sat there since Wednesday taunting me, starring at me like it was crack, and I was a crack fiend.

    Today, I had enough of that bastard box mocking me.I had an idea how to lose my tail long enough to open the box long enough see what was inside. The suspense of what inside was getting to me, we don't keep secrets, we always tell each other what we get. I sent Sunshine outside with the dogs, grabbed the box and started to rip the tape off. Upon hearing the tape ripping Dw came down the hallway laughing maniacally, and sat down cackling like a hyena. Upon ripping the box apart, packing peanuts flying there was a note at the bottom, just a fucking a note. Laughing ever so hard from watching me act like a dog left alone for 8 hours ripping this box apart, she says "Well, are you going to read the note?". Fuck you, I waited 3 days to see what was in the box, after specifically being told to stay out of it, kissing ass so much my lips hurt, and rubbing your feet, and all of the fucking things I thought it could be are dashed. So I picked up the note like she said, and it read


    "All men are tempted. There is no man that lives that
    can't be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the
    right spot
                           I win,
                                     Love Sonja."

    So in the end, I lost all the way around, and ended up with a cruel and unusual punishment of kissing ass, rubbing feet, and all I got of it was a fucking note telling me I lost, when I already knew that.
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • SaraSara
    Posts: 1,064Member
    @FoulMouthedSailor, gotta hand it to her, she was pretty creative...and right. Hopefully you are back on even ground now...
    Think of your problems as challenges to overcome not obstacles to be avoided.
  • AnonUser27
    Posts: 1,698Guest
    Hahaha I like the way your wife thinks!
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    @FoulMouthesSailor this confession came through, scarcely 10 minutes after hearing your story in chat, and I totally knew it was your wife LMFAO 

    Step 1: buy a box Step 2: put tamper resistant tape on box Step 3: tell DH not to open the box Step 4: watch DH stare at box for hours. Seriously, do it. It's fucking entertaining and hours of fun.


    I think I might be a little bit in love with @OrchidsandTulips

    community-manager


  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    @Sara Is there ever even ground?

    @Love
    :-w Ain't that a bitch....
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    Maybe you ought to read the confessional a little more...


    community-manager


  • LLBLLB
    Posts: 5,622Member
    Lmao that is awesome! Too bad my dh would probably just ignore the box...
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    omg...I think I have a girl crush on @OrchidsandTulips.

    that was freaking brilliant!
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • Luvlyssa
    Posts: 2,744Member
    ROFLMAO... I'd feel bad for you but... really. you called your pregnant wife fat ;) You deserve to be tortured. and to think... all it took was a little note ;)
    Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    @Luvlyssa I never once said fat!!!! And that was a heinous act they should use in the CIA

    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • Luvlyssa
    Posts: 2,744Member
    you IMPLIED FAT! same thing ;)
    is it similar to being water boarded? =p
    Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
  • Katescrazymom
    Posts: 2,839Member
    =)) ^:)^ =D>
  • LLBLLB
    Posts: 5,622Member
    See now if only you had agreed with DW that the chair was in fact getting smaller rather than saying it was her ass that was expanding you would never have had to endure such torture! :-p
  • OrchidsAndTulipsOrchidsAndTulips
    Posts: 403Member
    >:) There are still tampons under the sink in the guest bathroom if you're still butt hurt. Thank you ladies I'll be here all week.
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 10,900Member
    =)) that is funny!!!
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • Quietmom
    Posts: 2,986Member
    @orchidsandtulips and @foulmouthedsailor nice to see another awesome couple on here <3 and you go girl!
    Like a river and a waterfall, a strong person channels their own path...
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    She fails to realize shes within arms length when shes shit talking.
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 4,186Member
    @orchidsandtulips, that's the funniest shit I've read in a long time! I have got to try that!!
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    Oh my goodness!!  =)) That was so great. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • amyclarkamyclark
    Posts: 214Member
    omfg I'm sorry for you but this is priceless.  bahahaha  
    =))
  • OrchidsAndTulipsOrchidsAndTulips
    Posts: 403Member
    I know right. High fives all around.

    And if you so much think about touching me your dad would be down here with foot up that "big ass" of yours.
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager

    I know right. High fives all around.

    And if you so much think about touching me your dad would be down here with foot up that "big ass" of yours.




    ^:)^

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member

    OMG!  while i can say i feel sorry for you and the torture you were put through, i gotta give a huge high five to your lady!  awesome way to get even!



    I don't...you NEVER, EVER, EVER even imply a pregnant woman is fat!!!

    Bite me, cupcake!
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    @OrchidsAndTulips:  you are my hero  ^:)^

    and I'm sure you heard about the bashing he got in the chat room....
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,543Member
    @foulmouthedsailor you better learn censorship real quick because your dw is gonna get a lot bigger real fast. She won't even be able to get her shoes on, let alone tie them. Her clothes will shrink, including her shoes. Twins are heavy and hard on us. You will blame the shrinking of things on the washer, dryer, heat, cold, anything but weight! Catch the drift?

    @OrchidsAndTulips. You are fuckin awesome! I can't wait to steal this trick!

    This is one of my favorite posts ever! Lmao. You two are a great couple and highly amusing. :-)
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    @TorturedByTwins I'm usually really good with the self censorship, but I failed myself on this one. And I know, if it wasn't for Sunshine and her putting shoes on Dw's feet, she would be shoeless or in sandals.
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,543Member
    Just wait, it gets interesting....  I had to get DH to pull me out of bed.  I was humongous.  I went from 130 to 180+ in about 6 months.  It was fantastic.  I fell over a lot too.  Apparently that's normal...  OH, and my old clothes did this magic shrinking routine.  I am 135 now, yet nothing fits.  I have no idea how that happened?!?  :-)
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,472
    Ha! I think I love that woman! :))
    Get me a damn beer.
  • Luvlyssa
    Posts: 2,744Member
    lol.... this thread is awesome.
    Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
  • lostinthewindlostinthewind
    Posts: 1,617Member
    Oh my how I love love love this!!!!!!!!!!!!! Next time Dh gets out of line I'm totally using this idea to my advantage. @foulmouthedsailor you may have been better off never giving the rest if us sm this info :-j
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    Note to self, find a box.......... :>
  • CalliopemarieCalliopemarie
    Posts: 3,898Member
    I wish my dh would fall for it!!
  • MistyStacy_2010MistyStacy_2010
    Posts: 486Member
    I need a box now...and then sit back and wait for Hubs to mess up so I can use this! 

    I love this idea! 
    You are not my thong, so get out of my ass!!
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member


    Oh my how I love love love this!!!!!!!!!!!!! Next time Dh gets out of line I'm totally using this idea to my advantage. @foulmouthedsailor you may have been better off never giving the rest if us sm this info :-j



    What better way to share my misery through proxy?

    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • LLBLLB
    Posts: 5,622Member
    @shotgunlovinlady it seriously autocorrected boot to noontide? Lmao
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    Stop giving her more ammo or I'm gonna punch little baby Jesus right in the throat
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • LLBLLB
    Posts: 5,622Member
    Hey now! I refuse to condone the punching of ANY baby. Men that call their pregnant wife's ass fat please feel free :-p
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    This is where womens logic and mens logic collide. I never said the word fat, but every one of you seem to think I did.
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • utleymommyof4utleymommyof4
    Posts: 145Member
    i wonder if my hubs would fall for this probly hehehe
    Lovez Ya'll
  • LLBLLB
    Posts: 5,622Member
    Haha to a hormonal pregnant woman saying "your ass is getting bigger" sounds like you are calling them a whale!

    I had twins, I was HUGE but you know what my dh had enough common sense to keep his mouth shut about it! :-p
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    @Llb I have great common sense, but it was one of those moments that every body regardless of possession or lack of common sense have, where you say it before it registers. And I think I've payed my dues damn it.
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • LLBLLB
    Posts: 5,622Member
    @foulmouthedsailor I hope you know I was just fucking with you. But just don't do it again... Judging by your wife's reaction who knows what she's got up her sleeve for the next time!
  • lostinthewindlostinthewind
    Posts: 1,617Member
    @foulmouthedsailor indeed you did not directly say the word fat from what I've read..... implications can be a rotten dirty little bugger though ;) also yes you've been paying the dues but depending on how much longer til your precious cargo graces the work with their presence be prepared to continue paying with regular massages and pampering. You may even pay off future debts that way. However I'm still totally using this box torture at some point he's bound to deserve it, now to just remember this trick when he does ;)
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,543Member
    @Llb  Perhaps he should do it again, it sure is entertaining for us!  :-D

  • LLBLLB
    Posts: 5,622Member
    @torturedbytwins true I didn't think about it that way...
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    LOL You said her ass was bigger.. bigger = fat in girl talk.

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    See thats where men and women's logic collide, yet again. The system of debts and balance is fucked up, and I always end in debt, like the real world that shit is always hard as fuck to get out of.


    And it seems the next level of punishment is having my hang downs stapled to the bed, so I'm treading lightly.
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    I think its quite simple actually...women just care more about the little things than guys do and guys don't always think before they speak because they don't understand why the little things mean so much. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member

    @Llb  Perhaps he should do it again, it sure is entertaining for us!  :-D




    I'm sure he will...we're still torturing him in the chat room... >:)  testosterone = dumb shit comments!
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    @unforgiven My first proof against your logic, price tags. Women always go for the pricey shit, but don't notice the price tag.

    @BellaBefana Estrogen = Illogical thought process
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • LLBLLB
    Posts: 5,622Member
    I'm gonna prove that logic wrong as well! Dh is the one that shops without thinking about the price and buys what he wants without regards to price! I always check the price and put it back if I think it's too much!

    Your digging yourself a deeper grave here... You are surrounded by estrogen!