Teaching Kids About Sex
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 4,186Member
    At what age to do you start the sex talk? What do you tell them? Will you stress abstinence? Inform them of birth control options?

    My oldest is 12 & we have discussed it some. Not as much as I need to I'm sure. He knows that sperm from a man fertilizes eggs from a woman & viola, you have a baby. Not sure if he knows how exactly the sperm gets to the egg! He probably knows more than he or I would care to admit...
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 5,196
    I have a funny story~ One day, as we are making breakfast, Me, DH and my mom are standing in the kitchen, and DS walks in and says "mom, whats sperm?!" I stopped, frozen, eyes wide, and DH kindly pipes in "its the building blocks of life, son!" LMAO... Best.answer.ever!

    This being said, I think 11 or 12 is the best time to have that convo. Mostly because they should know the repercussions, and kids are doing nasty things young these days.
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 4,186Member
    We have talked more about what changes to expect for puberty but they have had the sex ed classes already in school. But of course, it is strictly from a medical standpoint. This is what happens, but not HOW it happens. I try to be careful about what he sees on TV. He has seen breasts because they were in Dukes of Hazzard & I wasn't expecting that! Now I check parental guides religiously & won't let him watch movies until I have first.

    But, how do I start the convo without it being awkward? Hey kid, let me tell you about sex! And then he cringes & turns 100 shades of red...
  • crazymommy
    Posts: 776Member
    I'm sooo glad I have a while before we have to get into all that! No idea how I'll handle it. So far the only question I've had to answer was how did DD get into my belly. I blanked for a minute thinking how do I answer this and not scar him for life when he went on to telling me that he had a baby in his belly too and it got there when he ate a spiderman popcicle. Then he informed me it was a "snipe baby". He still says every now and then something about his snipe baby in his belly, and DD is six months old. Cracks me up!
  • OmgmetooOmgmetoo
    Posts: 579Member
    What we did is just answer questions as they came. I am fairly blunt about things and I could tell when what I was saying was over his head. He was about 9 when it first started. My youngest is nine now and we have had a few convos about it, but he is more aware having 3 older sibs. just be matter of fact about it and they take it really well.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,589
    I wish there was a pop up book to teach kids about sex sometimes...luckily I have time before I have to really address this issue. lol
  • OmgmetooOmgmetoo
    Posts: 579Member
    Btw, girls start puberty at around 9 and boys start around 10 so that's when they start questioning. They discuss things with their friends, so imo it's best to talk to them around this time frame so they don't get bad information. My sweet little girl started her period at 10, 3 months before her 11th birthday.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    I just want to stomp my feet and/or bury my head in the sand. I don't WWWWWAAAANNNNNA talk about sex with my kids ! But I know that's not doing them any favors. It's going to have to be sooner, rather than later, too, with the way talk on the school bus has gotten!
    I want factual relevant information to come from ME, not from the dumbass teenagers that think it's ok to talk about blowjobs around my 10 year old!

    community-manager


  • EmmyinaboxEmmyinabox
    Posts: 60Member
    My DS is 4 and we are open. He knows that breasts make milk for babies. Penis's make sperm, girls have vaginas. He doesn't know the particulars of sex but IMO the key is key is keeping open dialog. If he asks questions we answer th honestly.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    My son asked me how babies were made when he was 9. I gave him a very straighforward three sentences..."penis, vagina, sperm, egg, 9 months." His response, "Mom, you're grossing me out!" I guess we're done talking about it for a while!
  • OmgmetooOmgmetoo
    Posts: 579Member
    But you gave him the facts. That's what they need. It doesn't have to be a long conversation. lol
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 4,186Member
    The last time I asked DS what sex was he said "two people kissing". I asked do they have clothes on or off? He said "Éither way. I don't think THAT matters mom!" Fast forward to middle school & I know he knows more but I want to imagine complete innocence still. Not sure if it should come from me or his dad or both. Afraid of what dad might tell him! Lol his sex talk from his dad was "see these condoms? If you're gonna get some, use one"
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 5,196
    @omgmetoo, you just freaked me out, at 10 she started it?! I was 15! I sure hope my kid is like me!
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    You know, as a mother of a brood, I KNOW the pertinent facts and details, but if anyone has a resource to recommend to get the ball rolling, I'd love to hear about it. I don't want to wait until they ask !

    community-manager


  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 7,057Member
    my parents were pretty useless about the sex talk, i literally got a pop up book and that was the end of it. i dont want to wait til DS asks cause i never asked and had a baby as a teen. im well open to tips!
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • OmgmetooOmgmetoo
    Posts: 579Member
    Yes 10, and she's not a big milk drinker or anything. I was sad because I started when I was 12 and I was sure I had more time. I was so glad that we had talked about stuff. Like when kids are little and they pull out your tampon from under the sink in wonderment, I always told them it was a private thing for ladies. As they got older I would give a little more info until they had the whole picture. My boys know when I'm having my time of the month and are super sweet to me. I'm really a baby on my period!

    I'm sure there are a ton of articles you can find to help but the best advice I can give is just be open and honest about everything. Kids can tell if you're uncomfortable answering questions and they will ask others if they think it might upset you. A good time is after you've seen something on TV that you think is too racey and you need to change the channel. You can ask what they thought was going on. Asking them questions gives you a good gage on where they are and what ideas they have about sex and opens up a line of dialogue where they can ask questions.
  • SanityIsAMythSanityIsAMyth
    Posts: 439Member
    I answered the questions as they came, simply and honestly. Here, they have a sex ed "class" for one hour (one day only) at school in 5th, 6th, & 7th grade. You can opt out of the first two but not 7th grade. The day they had "the class" I asked each how the class went and it usually led to me filling in the rest of the blanks. By the time the classes came, they were fairly "in the know" already as we have cows, horses, etc and it doesn't take long in this environment before you hear "he's attacking her!" or "why is he doing that?" or my personal fav "mom we have to take Dixie to the vet!!! Shes bleeding from her privates!" Dixie is a Bassett hound.
  • crazymommy
    Posts: 776Member
    I grew up in a very open house. No subject was off limits and my parents were always honest when asked about something. I've been thinking about it since I first read the OP, and I can't think of a time when I was actually "sat down" to have "the talk". I don't think my parents ever did that with us, and they had 4 girls. Now birth control and safe sex, that was something that was talked about constantly. I mean at the dinner table for a year that was the conversation. (Dad kind of freaked out when DD1 turned 15 and started dating). I also remember my older sister teaching me how to kiss. Hilarious! She made me french her teddy bear so I knew how to do it right!
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 10,571Member
    Ok off topic somewhat....but the only 'sex' talk that my mom had with me was that I would, at some point, 'start bleeding'. I honestly gave myself a lookover and was, in my head thinking, from under my fingernails? Where?! I don't even know why I thought that! Thank god for sex ed.
    Why be a king when you can be a God?
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    My mom talked to me when I was about 8 or so. She was very factual and I always remembered that and knew that is what I wanted to do with my kids. I answer any questions they have as age appropiate as I possibly can. I'm actually quite proud of the relationships I have with my sons. My oldest has come to me when he was planning on having sex for the first time. It made me happy that he trusted me to have that discussion with me; cause I know I wouldn't have had the guts to have that convo with my mom.
    So in answer to the OP I'd say when they ask questions answer them the best you can and just be honest. Kids will respect that and know that they can trust you.
    apsycho

  • violetmama
    Posts: 95Member
    The 'where do babies come from' discussion came much earlier than I expected with my 4 year old son because his best friend's parents are a gay couple who are pretty open with their son about how he was conceived (he was born to a surrogate), so my son hears some pretty weird things from his friend and knows words I never thought a 4 year old would know. Uterus? How does a 4 year old know the word uterus?

    We plan on being open with kids about sex, birth control, etc. No reason not to give them information. I'd rather they get the facts from us than hear about it from their friends. I hit puberty really early, so with my daughter, she could easily get her period in 2nd or 3rd grade, and I'd rather her be prepared. My mom explained all that after I got my period and puberty hit. Yikes.
  • mommyof3
    Posts: 2Member
    i learned about sperm during the opening sequence to look whose talking lol...i dont ever remember having the "talk" with my parents but have already started it with my dd's (6and7). it all started bc i had a baby a year ago...and here came the questions...their pediatrician told me to just answer each question honestly and dont give any extra information. they have just recently learned where the baby actually comes out because they heard their friend's mom say the baby was cut out of her belly and they wanted to see where their lil sister was cut out of me..
    the convo went exactly like this...
    my 6 yr old..."Mom, me and lucy (her bff) are never having babies...they cut them out of you!.. let me see where they baby sister out" to which i told her they didnt cut her out.."well how did she come out?" i told her and she replied "Oh im for sure never having babies! u gotta tell my sister about this!" lmao
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I agree with all the others about being completely honest. Depending on the age, you may be able to be more or less simple with your answers, but always be truthful and use proper terms! lol
    We are also a very open and close family. I started talking to my boys from a very young age. My oldest was 3 when his brother was born, so we started answering questions then. When the youngest was about 5, he started asking where babies came from, how they got there etc...and the simple answers didn't satisfy...so we told the whole story! We've been openly discussing sex, dating, marriage and our views of them ever since. Usually it starts with something we've seen on TV or on the news (births, a racy scene, news of rape) or something they've heard at school and we talk about it...what does it mean, how do you feel about it, why do you feel that way. We have such a close relationship because we've always talked about everything, including those things. My boys know what sex is, what periods are and why, where babies come from and how they get out. Much better than hearing the wrong info from some kid on the bus!!!
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    My parents never had the talk with us. We always just *knew* about it. I guess we asked questions along the way. I've done the same with my kids. They know alllll about it. Didn't help when ds was 3-4 and found a very explicit movie box. Ha. I've made them cover their eyes a few times in movies, but they see boobs all the time. My 8yo stopped walking in on me a year or two ago, but the other two stare blatantly at any and every part of my body. It's embarrassing as hell, but I feel like they need to know what a real woman looks like. It was very weird when 6yo DD opened the shower curtain when I was doing my bikini line and asked why. Lol. But I was honest as always.

    The only sex talk I really remember having was my mom showing me how to use a pad at 10. Then she told me that I should have sex before marriage but it better not be with every "Tom, dick, and Harry." Wow. Lol
    deus ex machina
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    Oh and having pets really helps! If you don't have that option, the movie Milo and Otis has a scene that shows live birth of either the dog or the cat. It's a good opener if you need one...
    deus ex machina
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    I haven't had many questions from my daughter yet, surprisingly (she's 6). We haven't gotten much beyond the it-takes-a-mommy-and-a-daddy stage (and it still does, even if the dad isn't actually physically present!).

    But when she does ask, I try to answer as openly and age-appropriately as possible. Sometimes I find it helps to ask her some questions before I answer, so I can be sure she's really asking about what I think she's asking and so I can gauge how much she already knows or has heard from somewhere. And it gives me time to choose my words with care!

    A colleague at work who has an older daughter (early teens) said she always answered her daughter's questions, but also kept a book about the "facts of life" around. I plan on doing that, too, because I don't want my daughter believing all the myths and baloney that go around in middle and high school ("you can't get pregnant the first time" or "you can't get pregnant if you have sex standing up"). So the book will be the backup if my daughter's not comfortable talking to me. That's my plan, anyway. I'll let you know how it works out!
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • crazymommy
    Posts: 776Member
    I think I copped out on the whole thing the other day. DS said "How did Katey get here?" and I said "We drove her here in the car" , lol. Didn't work. He said "No, I mean how did she get in your belly?" So I just said "Mommy and Daddy loved each other so much it made a baby." That satisfied him for now!
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 4,186Member
    Every time I have my period, the 6 & 3 yo get all excited. "mommy, you're gonna have another baby!!!!" because they remember me bleeding after the youngest one's birth. I'm like, NO! This means mommy is NOT having a baby! Lol I tried to explain that this was something that girls go through & nothing is wrong but they just look at me like I'm nuts! Oh well. The bathroom door is locked from now on!
  • OmgmetooOmgmetoo
    Posts: 579Member
    My daughter (11) is like me. Her periods are sporadic and she may skip a month before having another. The last time she was late she became so distressed and finally took me aside and asked if I wasn't sure there was some way she could be pregnant without having sex. My poor baby girl. They are so young and innocent that even knowing how things work it still can all be so confusing. We had a general talk again just to reassure her and of course let her know that she is just like mommy. Those periods come when they feel good and ready to come. I've always hated that!
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 4,186Member
    So here was the sex talk with 12 yo DS:
    Me: Hey kid! Do you know what sex is?
    DS: yeah.
    Me: Well, what is it?
    DS: I'm not telling you.
    Me: *laughing* what do you mean "I'm not telling you?" I already know. What do YOU think it is?
    DS: I know. I took that sex class at school.
    Me: How do you make a baby?
    DS: I know already.
    Me: Humor me kid! Last time you said it was a guy & girl kissing & it didn't matter if their clothes were on or off. Is that what you still think?
    DS: yeah, well that was before. I know now and I'm not telling you.
    Me: Can you get a girl pregnant the first time you have sex?
    DS: I don't know! I probably wasn't paying much attention.
    Me: EXACTLY!!

    And on & on it went! LOL we finally had a decent talk with specifics & what I expect. Different forms of birth control. How I thought it was a fantastic idea for all 4 of them to go ahead & get a vasectomy now & then adopt when they are ready..........
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    @momoffour omg I laughed so hard!!! And I like how you talk to your kid. That's how I talk to mine. People look at me weird because I talk to them like they're intelligent human beings.
    deus ex machina
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    Omg.
    deus ex machina
  • PrincessEPrincessE
    Posts: 39Member
    My DD is 14 now and... wait for it... lost her virginity earlier this year. :-S

    She has always been open and honest with me about everything, and really only held that fact back as long as she did bc it was with a guy "friend" and not a bf, which was EXACTLY like my 1st. She was less afraid of me knowing she had sex than she was over admitting that she did exactly what I did after all the times I talked to her about my mistakes as a teenager.

    We have always been close, and as weird as it sounds watching certain shows together opened a lot of dialogue for us. Movies like "Juno" that discuss teen pregnancy can start a good conversation if your kiddos are old enough for the material. A good one for us was the season of "Grey's Anatomy" where Dr Callie Torres started dating a woman then decided she was bi-sexual. Being "Bi" is so trendy these days and it opened up the conversation between us enough that DD admitted to being Bi herself (something I had secretly suspected since she was caught kissing another girl in daycare at age 3) Talk about complicated teenage drama. I had to start asking LOTS of new questions about any new friend that she wanted to sleep over.

    It's scary stuff for sure, but the best we can do as mothers is hope they don't make any mistakes they can't undo and be there to love them no matter what.
  • OtakuHimeOtakuHime
    Posts: 357Member
    By ages 10-12 the schools are already teaching our kids what sex is, I think it's a good idea for parents to start talking to their kids about it too. I let my 12 yr old son ask whatever he wants, and I never let him see if some of his questions embarrass me a little bit. I don't want him to think sex is shameful in anyway I guess.