I Am My Mother. And....

We’ve all done it.

“Don’t run with scissors!” And you clap your hand over your mouth the instant the words are out.

You have become your mother.

I knew it had happened to me when I told one of my kids to be sure they were wearing clean underwear in case they got hit by a truck.

What the…?

Upon further reflection, however, I’ve come to realize I have become not just my mother, but many women.

Remember watching the movie Sybil when you were a kid? How Sally Field had a couple dozen “personalities” living inside her, each coming out when he or she was most needed? Well, same thing here. Not to disrespect those suffering the affliction of Multiple Personality Disorder. I’m just sayin’, many hands make light work of this parenting game.

Most of the personalitites I channel are Moms from TV or the movies. Some are not even Moms, but I still need them. I pull them out of my neurological wallet and channel them as the situation mandates.

I am my mother and…

1) Martha Stewart. I call on Martha anytime one of my kids has a school project due in 12 hours. With her composed assistance I am able to procure styrofoam balls, hot glue, and sequins from me arse, and help them to craft a Nobel-worthy creation.

2) Carol Brady. There’s nothing about her I really need. I’ll admit it: I’m jealous. She is a stay-at-home Mom of six (check) with a handsome, professional husband and a lovely home (check) with full-time domestic help (no check). I want an Alice! If I had an Alice I could float through the house with perfect make-up, nails and dress, while Alice took care of the cooking and cleaning so I could tend to Marsha’s broken nose or try to discern if Greg is telling the truth about those cigarettes in his pocket. My right arm for an Alice. My firstborn for an Alice. Seriously. Someone get me an Alice.

3) Gloria Pritchett. (from Modern Family) I wah uh kih-er bah-ee. Sorry, I was eating a Ring Ding. Lemme try again: I want a killer body.

4) Minnie (from The Help) With a can of Crsico in hand, Minnie could rule the world. She could fry up a chicken, get a tangle out of someone’s hair, and quiet that squeaky hinge.

5) Roseanne Connor. I sometimes need Roseanne’s tell-it-like-it-is mouth, with no PC filter. Problem is, she usually shows up late and I end up telling someone off in my head on the drive home. We need to work on coordinating our timing.

6) Nurse Ratched. (from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) OK, not a Mom, but nevertheless. I want her cool, quiet, composure while all hell is breaking loose around her. “Mr. Cheswick, sit down. I will answer your question when you are calm. Are you calm now, Mr. Cheswick?”

7) Shirley Partridge. I need her when it’s time to get all the kids someplace. Now, the psychadelic bus helps, to be sure, but anyone who can get five kids out the door and to a gig on time has got my vote for having it all together. Plus, she can solve any of the kid’s problems by singing a song. Nice, as abilities go.

8) Morticia Addams. Let’s face it, she looks fabulous in black, and she runs her family smoothly, all while keeping just enough of a kooky edge about the place. Non-conformity rules!

9) Ree Drummond. Aka The Pioneer Woman. Aka PW. Who wouldn’t want a healthy dose of Ree in her mental make-up? She’s the effortless homeschooling mother of four little ranch-hands and the adorable wife to one gorgeous hunk of cowboy. She writes, she cooks, she makes it all look easy. When she comes out in me, she makes me chocolate sheet cake and iced coffee in a mason jar and I love her.

Oh dear. What is this? I only have nine women on my list and that’s just all lopsided and uneven and yucky. Someone please! Suggest a 10th for me. I must have 10 women in my multiple personalities file. Otherwise my OCD will throw a tantrum.