How to Have a Mom's Night Out in Only 36 Steps

“Ladies, it’s time. Who’s up for a girls’ night out?”

So went the email I received. I cringed. With 12 other women, all new or seasoned moms, on the list, I wondered how we could possibly make it happen. But we are the multi-taskers! We are the get-shit-doners! This should be a cinch, I thought.

And honestly, this was the easiest thing I’ve done yet. Way easier than giving birth. I don’t know why more of us don’t manage to pull this off regularly. I mean, if the husbands can have guys’ nights, why not us? I am here to show you that a girls’ night out is actually quite simple as well. Just read on for my step-by-step guide.

1. Talk with girlfriends about having a night out for all the moms, at least one month ahead of proposed date. Discuss times. Mom 3 suggests 7:30 p.m., because toddler dinners. Mom 4 counters with 5 p.m., because toddler bedtimes. Mom 6 tips the scale in favour of 5 p.m., citing both preschooler bedtime PLUS pregnancy. 5 p.m. it is!

2. Choose hip, slightly exotic restaurant, where there are no possible options for children’s meals. Restaurant does not, in fact, open until 5:30 anyway. 5:30 it is!

3. Find cute, fashionable outfit in closet that doesn’t require nursing bra. That fits. Oh. Shit. OK, just aim for a cute billowy top and pants that actually fit. That aren’t yoga pants.

4. Send out email to confirm that everyone can still attend, two days ahead. Mom 2 has still not found babysitting.

5. Make sure to forget and accidentally schedule all possible errands for the day of Big Night Out.

6. Arrange for your baby to begin teething the night before, so that there’s lots of screaming and wake ups. The dark circles will add to the dramatic eye makeup you were planning, anyway.

7. Drag yourself from the warm bed you got about 3 hours of sleep in last night and try to get going so you can accomplish everyth….oh wait, it’s still dark. It is still night. What the hell is your baby doing awake at 4:30 a.m.??

8. Try to coax the goddamn baby back to sleep. For two hours. Then resentfully watch the Husband, the Threenager and the Teen get up for the day as their normal, cheerful selves. Assholes.

9. Make coffee. Promptly forget about coffee.

10. Feed the younger children breakfast and prep lunch for the Teen.

11. Rush kids out the door.

12. OK! Errand number one: grocery shopping. Now would be the time to come up with a unique and special recipe for dinner, so the husband and children know they are loved, even though you’re not there.

13. Errand number two: doctor’s appointment. That was dumb. Everyone knows that if you’re in a rush, the wait at the doctor’s office is terrible.

14. Back home. Napping and feeding the Baby. Yes, you just lost another 45 minutes of your productive day.

15. Madly run around the house, picking up toys and putting away dishes. Go get the Baby, since he’s awake again. That was a short goddamn nap.

16. Try to get the Baby to stop crying. Don’t you love teething?

17. Fuck it. They’re ordering pizza.

18. How is it 4:30 p.m. already?? Wash breast pump supplies for pumping before you leave and go pick up Threenager from preschool.

19. Back home. It’s now 4:45 p.m. You’re supposed to leave in 15 minutes, but you haven’t showered or pumped breast milk for tonight. There is NO WAY you are going without a shower for another day.

20. Jump in shower, tardiness be damned. Ignore screaming children. Your darling Husband will take care of them now. YOUR DARLING HUSBAND WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM NOW.

21. Get dressed in cute, fashionable outfit that still fits and doesn’t include yoga pants, forgetting that you haven’t pumped breast milk yet.

22. Pump breast milk in your cute, fashionable outfit that doesn’t need a nursing bra. Well, that was pleasant.

23. Pizza is ordered, you are dressed, makeup will get done in the car. Voila! Hit the road. The Girls’ Night Out started 15 minutes ago. And it takes 25 minutes to get there. Whatever.

24. You are on your way! You aren’t stressed about being late because YOU DO NOT CARE. You are NOT in the house with your children!! Drive leisurely to dinner, putting on mascara and eyeliner at traffic lights. Give people who are staring the finger.

25. Arrive last, but with a smile on your face. Realize that this place is so dimly lit, no one is going to see your outfit OR your fantastic makeup. Sigh.

26. Gab with the girls over a glass of wine for an hour. Remember that you have to order food. Look at menu and order a bunch of random things that sound good because they’re in a foreign language.

27. An hour has passed, and no food has arrived. Mom 3 is stressing because she said she’d be home to put her kid to bed. Moms 4 and 5 actually have tickets to a show that they may be late for now. Ask waiter about food.

28. Food arrives! Eat fast, it’s late.

29. Ask for the bill. It’s 8:30 already! Mom 6 is exhausted, because pregnancy, so she is out. Moms 3, 4 and 5 have left already, taking their half-eaten food to go.

30. You and Mom 2 look at each other, asking the silent question neither one of you wants to admit to: Can we call it a night? You both nod in relief, grab your coats and leave.

31. Drive home quickly, worried that something may have gone wrong while you were out. There were no text message updates! What if something’s happened?

32. Arrive home to find the Teen watching TV, the Husband snoring in the kids’ room, and the kids themselves fast asleep.

33. Give each child a snuggle and a kiss, and quietly roll the Husband over so he’ll stop snoring. They missed you. You know they did. Because you missed them.

34. Spend 20 minutes trying to remove your eye makeup.

35. Change into baby vomit-stained pajamas.

36. Flop into bed.

So, you see, making a girls’ night out happen when you’re a mother is as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…oh, shit. Well, it’s easier than giving birth, right? And worth the effort just to get out of the goddamn house alone for once.

Related post: 30 Ways You Know You Need a Night Out