How to Go Clubbing When You're 40

1. Over margaritas during a Girls Night Out, spend three hours picking a date that works out for all of you to go clubbing.

2. Spend the next two weeks furiously sending texts to each other debating the merits of all the coolest clubs downtown, despite the fact that hardly anyone knows anything about the coolest clubs downtown and no one has set foot downtown in two years.

3. Debate the merits of getting a limo and/or VIP table. Because if you haven’t been clubbing in almost 20 years, you should do it right.

4. In the days leading up to the big clubbing night, witness your girlfriends bow out one by one because of so-called “family obligations.”

5. Whine to leftovers about what could possibly be more important than clubbing.

6. Devise a last-minute plan to go to a club in the suburbs.

7. Contemplate the merits of clubbing in the suburbs. Is it sacrilegious? Is it sane? Is it a vile act of desperation?

8. Debate outfit. Try on sexy black mini and clingy tank top. On second thought, change into sweater turtleneck dress with fleece-lined tights so that every inch of your skin is covered. Now you are making a statement—you are suitably dressed for both clubbing and a PTA meeting.*

* That is, if you ever attended PTA meetings.

9. Arrive at the club with your three friends at 10:15 p.m. on a Saturday night, thinking you are fashionably late. You are the only people there. Given that this is the suburbs, you assume everyone else is sleeping.

11. Marvel at $10 cover charge. Wonder if you could have found a Groupon to make it even cheaper.

10. Sit around drinking to very loud music while a dozen or so more people trickle in. Consider going to Kroger next door to get groceries for the week until things pick up.

11. Dance like crazy with friends on a completely empty dance floor.

12. Wonder why the DJ insists on pumping out smoke when no one is there to appreciate it.

13. Wonder why no one is hitting on you when you look so hot in your turtleneck sweater dress.

14. While resting on a couch, get reprimanded by bartender for sitting in the “VIP” section. Laugh hysterically that the club in your sleepy suburb has a VIP section.

15. Leave with friends sweaty and tired from dancing. Arrive home at 12:36 a.m., grateful that you may actually get five hours of sleep before a child wakes you up.