How Infertile Women Really Want To Respond To The 'Kids' Question

“When are you having kids?”

If you’re a woman — especially a married woman — you’ve likely been asked when you’re gonna start pushing babies out of your hoo-hah. And if you’ve struggled with infertility, you’ve likely felt like throat-punching every single person who asks when you’re going to have kids because they sure as shit don’t know the infertile hell you’ve been trudging through trying to get that BFP (Big Fat Positive).

Here’s how infertile women really want to respond to the obtrusive and dreaded, “When are you having kids?” question:

1. When my hysterosalpingogram shows my fallopian tubes are open and a catheter is shoved up my vagina 36 hours after I give myself a huge-ass HCG trigger shot in my butt to stimulate ovulation and inject sperm that’s been processed and washed to ensure it contains a high enough motility and morphology score to even swim its way up my uterine cavity and reach the eggs I’ve stimulated for the past two weeks with injectable FSH medications.

2. Fuck you.

3. When I’m put under general anesthesia to have my eggs aspirated with a hollow needle inserted through my vagina after weeks of injectable meds are shot in my stomach and ass. And when those aspirated eggs are transferred back into me via a catheter after being fertilized in a lab and surviving at least two to five days with sperm from my husband who whacked off in a dark room and ejaculated into a plastic cup.

4. Gee, I don’t know. When do you think I should I have kids?

5. As soon as I can figure out how to get pregnant.

6. Whenever you learn to stop asking that question.

7. I’m trying to figure that out. You wanna give my reproductive endocrinologist a call for me? Maybe you can get a better answer for me. I can get a release form from the clinic, and I’ll add you to my approved contact list. It might be another week or so before they’ll talk to you because HIPAA can be a real pain in the ass, but I’m sure they’d totally tell you what my baseline blood draw and ultrasounds look like before I start stimming with injectable gonadotropins.

8. We just did the deed this morning, but it’s too early to tell.

9. Stare at them. Break out into unintelligible screaming until the individual’s eyes bulge in pure panic. Then stop and stare again. Gasp for breath. Snort a few times, then stop. Don’t say a word. Just stare at them until they walk away so traumatized and confused by your response that they’ll be too scared to ever ask anyone that question again.