Gwyneth Paltrow's Breakfast Smoothie May As Well Be Made With Unicorn Tears

Gwyneth Paltrow’s breakfast smoothie recipe is making the internet LOL

Gwyneth Paltrow posted a breakfast smoothie recipe on her lifestyle site Goop last weekend that’s making the internet LOL. It’s simply called GP’s morning “Smoothie.” Smoothie is in quotes because this is not a smoothie, it’s a magical drink that does not exist.

The description of the recipe on the site reads, “Gwyneth drinks one of these every morning, whether or not she’s detoxing. Choose your Moon Juice moon dust depending on what the day ahead holds…brain before a long day at the office, sex dust before a date, etc.” We’ll get back to this “dust” stuff later, but first…

… the recipe:

1 cup almond milk

1 tablespoon almond butter

1 teaspoon coconut oil

2 tablespoons vanilla mushroom protein powder

1 teaspoon maca

1 teaspoon ashwagandha

1 teaspoon ho shou wu

1 teaspoon cordyceps

1 teaspoon moon dust of choice

pinch Himalayan sea salt

pinch vanilla powder (optional)

The instructions simply read, “Combine all ingredients in a blender and blitz to combine.” I think my blender is missing the “blitz” setting. Yup. Just checked. I must have some commoner’s blender.

This recipe. THIS RECIPE. Don’t you want to laminate it and give it out as a Christmas card next year? A pinch vanilla powder is optional, but cordyceps is not. And don’t you fucking dare leave out the ashwagandha. Just go to your pantry now and retrieve all this shit and blitz it together. No big. You probably don’t have the moon dust that you need, but don’t worry: Gwyneth’s got you covered. For $55 you can buy two ounces of moon dust on her site to add to your smoothies.

Don’t you want to be Gwyneth Paltrow for one day? One day. Don’t you want to completely and without irony post a breakfast smoothie on your lifestyle site with these ingredients? Maybe I’m projecting.

Never change, Gwyneth.