The Elf On The Shelf Has A F#@*ing Wardrobe Now

Elf on the Shelf ‘Claus Couture’ exists. And it’s ridiculous.

The Elf on the Shelf has a wardrobe now. It’s called “Claus Couture,” and if that doesn’t make you want to throw your fucking computer out the window then you should probably just stop reading right now.

As if it’s not enough that we’re all expected to participate in this charade that involves daily making up elaborate lies so our children think their creepy little scout Elf likes them enough to nightly report to Santa and come back for a playful game of hide and seek — now we’re supposed to believe that this little thing likes skinny jeans and converse. As if the elves on the North pole suddenly shunned their traditional garb and have now taken to strutting around like hipsters.

Let’s look at some of the collection, shall we?

1. Winter Sparkle Skirt

“This skirt is possibly the most beautiful and elegant of the Claus Couture Collection. Let your scout elf sparkle like a star on the top of a Christmas tree. An elf that feels beautiful is more likely to give Santa good reports and leave treats in your home.”

This is actually what the product description says. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. An elf that feels beautiful is more likely to give Santa good reports and leave treats in your home. Does your elf feel beautiful? Buyers are also reminded that “No one wants a sloppy elf that doesn’t take pride in her appearance.”

2. Trendsetter Ensemble Fur Vest With Plaid Skirt Bundle

This is for the “Diva Elf.” Who named this thing? Divas don’t perform thankless tasks like flying all the way to the freaking North Pole every night to send a message to Santa. Also — it’s 60 dollars.

3. Relaxing Robe and Slippers & Playful Pajama Set

This is $60. Trying to remember the last time I spent $60 on pajamas for myself. Can’t. The product description says, “Scout elves will feel right at home in these PJ’s, perfect for cuddling up with a good book and a cup of cocoa! Whether spending a day at the North Pole Spa or kicking back at home, your scout elf will enjoy cuddling up in this toasty robe and slippers. This ensemble’s cuddly material makes it perfect for relaxing by the fireplace with a cup of cocoa on a chilly North Pole night.”

4. Claus Couture Christmas Sweater

“This festive holiday sweater features classic Arctic styling and Santa’s favorite reindeer! The soft ribbing at the wrists and neck make it easy for your scout elf to pull the sweater on and off again.”

Does anyone else get the feeling that whoever wrote this copy really believes this elf is putting on his own clothes? Hold me.

5. Claus Couture Dazzling Dress

Any scout elf can be the belle of the ball in this sparkly strapless dress that twinkles like the lights at the North Pole! Layers of silver satin and shimmering tulle come together to create a princess gown fit for a fairytale. Tres chic!

Nobody tell your fragile little elf that strapless dresses look ridiculous over a full elf suit. We want her to feel beautiful, after all.

Look, those of you who actually have fun with the Elf — more power to you. The rest of us will be over here like…