Dad's Epic Tooth Fairy Letter To His Son Is Next-Level Parenting

Barry T. Tooth Fairy has had enough of this kid’s crappy brushing

We try trusting our kids to do a thorough job with brushing their teeth, but any parent who’s paid for multiple cavities to be filled knows that our little angels don’t always come through. One dad decided enough was enough after his son lost a tooth that didn’t look too great. He took matters into his own hands (wings?) and sent a hilarious message straight from Tooth Fairy Headquarters to let his son know that the crap brush job he’d been doing wouldn’t stand.

London father of three Henry Warren was just absolutely over his son’s “dreadful” brushing skills, so when Sam lost a tooth this week, he decided to put a little fear into his lazy-brushing heart by way of Barry T. Tooth Fairy, who frankly, sounds pretty uptight.

He tweets, “Turns out the Tooth Fairy has had enough.”

Warren’s genius letter reads, “You will have noticed there has been a delay in payment for the tooth. Mr. Warren, I have to inform you that this is due to the condition in which we found said tooth. We expect a certain amount of wear and tear on the teeth we appraise. However in this case your tooth had to be referred up to the committee for further analysis.”

Oh shit. This freaks me out and I’m 35 — I better start flossing more. Or, at all. Solidarity, Sam.

Barry doesn’t mince words with who’s at fault for Sam’s nasty tooth. He lays it all bare. “We believe this is due to the lack of care and attention by yourself. We have detected more than trace amounts of Fanta™ and residual amounts of both cereal and chocolate which have not been removed by appropriate brushing technique. We recommend you review your practice here as a matter of urgency.”

Now I have rising vomit thinking of the bits of cereal that end up in the toothpaste spit my kids leave in the sink every morning after breakfast. GOD kids are disgusting. Not only do they do an inadequate job cleaning their teeth, the entire process leaves a repulsive mess behind. And the Fanta obsession is real. I can see one of my son’s baby teeth looking visibly under the weather after a summer of ordering orange sodas every chance he got. I need to copy this letter pronto.

Barry wraps up with a little leeway for poor Sam and his sub-par chomper. “Mr. Warren we will accept the tooth on this occasion but we need your assurances that the condition of your next tooth will be significantly better or we will withhold payment.”

Daaamn that is way harsh. But, well-deserved. Kids might not care what us mortal parents have to say, but Santa or the Easter bunny or actual fairies have their ear in a way we never will. Henry harnessed the powers of childhood whimsy and used them to his own end — we should all pay attention, because it looks like it worked.

Henry tells Scary Mommy that overall, people are loving his letter, and that Barry is pretty misunderstood. “The reaction has been positive on the whole, though Barry feels he is being painted as a petty bureaucrat. The media has no idea the pressure Tooth Fairies are under these days. Austerity has hit them too. It’s their working conditions that lead to passive aggressive missives like this.”

Well. We better shape the hell up, then.

Henry shares that Sam did get his tooth fairy money eventually. “He was rather chastened by the whole thing,” he tells us. “He’s an awesome kid though so I’m sure he’ll change his ways.”

With the threat of Barry to keep him in line, we have no doubt.