Mom Nails The Hilarious (And Gross) Things That Happen After You ‘Push Out A Baby’

Blogger Bekki Pope nails postpartum life in viral Facebook post

This is the list you’ll wish you had before giving birth. It’s not the froo-froo version of childbirth you get from your well-meaning friends that don’t want to scare the crap out of you. It’s not the medical play by play you get from pregnancy books. This is real sh*t y’all.

Blogger Bekki Pope at Mummy Mumbles posted a picture of her newborn on Facebook last month and with it was a list of “20 Things To Know When You’ve Just Pushed Out A Baby.” Girlfriend does not hold back. All of the veteran moms are like mmhhhm, yup. Pregnant mamas, you’ve been warned….

Shield your eyes, pregnant people. Actually don’t – then you won’t be surprised by how it feels to pee and poop after childbirth. Let us break it down for you.

“Your first wee. Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you’re trying to start in some very disturbing porno. It helps.” Pope says. Can we get an amen for the peri-bottle? That thing is a lifesaver and the most cherished gift on postpartum planet earth. Hallelujah, that peri-bottle. How we love you, let us count the ways.

We’re not sure water will help with what’s coming out the back though.

“Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way,” Pope says. Anyone else cringing remembering that excruciating first poo? Solidarity fist-pumps mama. We feel you.

She then says what everyone else won’t say. Which is basically that babies are ugly when they come out. OK, maybe not ugly (forgive me, everyone’s baby is a beautiful Gerber baby the second they enter this world and will grow up to be a special snowflake). No, we mean, babies look pretty funny when they’re first born. Kind of like little aliens.

“Your baby looks weird. Like… Really weird,” she writes. “‘Oh how cute/such a beautiful baby’ etc will be said at you and you’ll accept other people’s opinions, but to you it looks like a hairless slightly purple old grandad with dried blood and skin stuck to its wrinkly face.” Accurate.

Pope goes on to describe the first shower, which will look “like a scene from ‘Carrie.'” And how hospital food is basically the worst and how your tummy will look like a “deflated balloon.” Fun stuff. Gotta love postpartum life.

Probably the most accurate description for the hours right after giving birth is this candid remark.

“Everything’s angry. Your brain is angry, your eyes are angry, your tummy, your bladder, your bum. Your vagina isn’t angry. It’s f*cking livid.” Truth woman. Truth.

On that note, BRB, gonna go pop some birth control.