How I Want To Respond To The Adoption Questions

November means stuffing our faces with pumpkin pie and fake whipped cream. November means three AM bargain hunting on Black Friday. November means leggings, sweaters and poking fun at the people who get all twitterpated over pumpkin spice shit.

November is also National Adoption Month, and the fact that we celebrate children finding families and giving thanks in the same 30-day time period? Well, let’s just say that’s not lost on me.

Two of my kids are adopted. My brother and several of my cousins are adopted, too. Growing up, adoption was just a normal part of how you get kids. As an adoptive parent, I get asked all kinds of rude, nosy and sometimes really weird questions about adoption. I usually manage to answer semi-politely while evading. “Oh, look at the time, gotta go take care of my pesky chin hairs now,” and so on.

But just for fun, here are some of the answers I wish I could give to people who ask nosy adoption questions.

1. Can’t you have any children of your own? That’s a big no because I have no uterus and my fallopian tubes are shriveled up. I had endometriosis and it gave me raging awful periods, so I had some key girl parts removed. Shall I go on? I love talking about my vagina.

2. What happened to their real mom? Gosh, I don’t know! These rude little humans woke me up at 5AM crying for Dora and then they asked if I’d make them oatmeal. That seems pretty real to me. Is there someone else that should be handling these buttcrack of dawn requests? Oh, and say! Are those your real boobs?

3. How much did they cost? They were free, but let me tell you the shipping and handling was pretty freakin’ steep. Oh, and say! How much did you pay for that ostentatious gas-guzzling SUV?

4. Do you know Angelina Jolie? I totally do. Yesterday I was just saying: “Angie, we need to call Madge, put on our good yoga pants, jump in the minivan and head to Sonic for happy hour.” Of course I know famous people that have adopted. We all hang out drinking boxed wine and snarfing crockpot cheese dip. Fun!

5. Why did you adopt from China instead of your own country? I adopted from my own species. That’s something, right? And… When would be a good time to talk about your made in Indonesia shoes and your Japanese car, hmm?

6. Now that you’ve adopted, do you think you’ll get pregnant? Ooooh fun! We’re not done talking about my vagina yet? Just kidding. See #1.

7. Are you planning to tell them they’re adopted? It depends on how smart they turn out to be. They may eventually figure out that two Caucasians don’t usually produce Asian kids, so if it seems like they’re going to be smart, we’ll have the adoption talk when they’re about 13 and really starting get going with that whole teen angst thing.

And my personal favorite,

8. You’re a saint for giving those poor children a good home. You’re fuckin’ A right I am. Gotta go now. Here come the kids with my beer.

Related post: 20 Things I Wish I Had Known Before Adopting