30 Things (Almost) Every Mother Wants For Mother's Day

I don’t ask for much, even on Mother’s Day. I’ll be perfectly happy with my little minions’ sweet kisses and a homemade, illegible card. But a girl can dream, and if I could think of a few things off the top of my head that I’d really want for Mother’s Day – the following would be a start.

1. One of those wine-taps. Seriously. It’s like a beer tap, except wine comes out of it.

2. Five minutes of peace. I’d settle for three-and-a-half.

3. Gwyneth Paltrow to get “I’m better than you” tattooed on her forehead. It’s the obvious next step, no?

4. A case of Magnum caramel center ice cream bars. I’m thinking too small. Make it a delivery truck with freezing capabilities that remains parked in my neighbor’s driveway for easy access.

5. Celebrities to stop talking about why they don’t believe in science, aka vaccines. It would be great if all non-doctors would stop writing books filled with medical advice.

6. Chubby midsections to become in vogue again, á la the 16th century. The goddamn Renaissance Era couldn’t be wrong, could it?

7. A “sarcasm” font. I need this so bad.

8. A “fuck you” font. I write on the Internet for a living, so I need this even worse.

9. A Facebook filter that blocks everyone selling momtrepreneur crap. Nobody wants your face cream, sex toys or your candles. Well, I already have enough face cream and candles and buying sex toys from friends makes me feel weird.

10. For women to start loving their wrinkles. I have a dream that the masses will suddenly realize facial expressions have a function and bankrupt the cosmetic Botox industry.

11. Heels that don’t make you feel like you’re walking on invisible stilts. Does this happen to everyone, or just me?

12. A freaking “thank you” every now and then. Two words.

13. Fat-burning cake. How does this not exist yet?

14. Childfree parenting-advice-givers to STFU. I want parenting advice from people who’ve never had to constantly care for one of their own about as much as I want sex tips from a virgin.

15. The FDA to legalize sleeping pills for toddlers. This is a no-brainer, right?

16. A robot that gathers all the toys in a toddler’s room at night and hides them. See #15.

17. Paper towel-sized diaper wipes. I clean everything from my baby’s butt to my kitchen counters to my car dashboard with these. They need an extra large variety – bonus if they can make them smell like furniture polish or “new car.”

18. A cartoon whose only function is to teach kids to be silent. Again, how has no one thought of this yet?

19. A maid. My Italian grandmother would roll over in her grave.

20. The invention of a wine/Goldfish cracker weight-loss plan. I could totally stick to this.

21. A Twitter filter that blocks all of those who Tweet about exercise instead of coffee in the morning. Seriously, who are these people?

22. Gisele to gain 75 pounds. She thinks formula feeding should be illegal and can’t possibly understand how a woman could actually gain weight during pregnancy. Enough said.

23. Famous women who are also millionaires to stop talking about how hard it is to be a mom. I know, I know – being a mom is a hard job for everyone. But this is annoying, isn’t it?

24. A foot-rub that lasts more that one-and-a-half minutes. Why even offer?

25. The future publishing of, “My Descent Out Of Hell – Memories From A Tiger Mom Cub” You know it’s coming.

26. A study that proves mothers who moderately drink and constantly swear have the most well adjusted kids in the land. Well, it could be true.

27. Know-it-all parents to stop writing open letters to other parents telling them what a crap job they’re doing. Dear Mom On Her iPhone, Dear Dad Who Raised His Voice In The Store, Dear Mom Who Won’t Swing From The Monkey-Bars… enough is enough.

28. The ability to look good in white jeans. I realize this is not a practical thing to wear with two children under three – but I don’t care.

29. To never see another “what not to say to a pregnant person/new mom/SAHM/working mom” list ever again. You’re suffocating me!

30. For women who have kids in their late thirties to henceforth be referred to as “smart and ready” instead of “advanced maternal-aged.” Who you callin’ old?