10 Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Woman

1. “Were you trying to get pregnant/Did you plan for this?” I don’t know exactly what portion of society deems it okay to ask these kinds of questions, but they translate to “Do you have sex regularly? Are you using birth control? Do you have a basic understanding of the human reproductive system?” All of which are entirely unacceptable. Obviously.

2. “Can I touch your belly?” Do you want your hand bitten off? Have you lost your mind? Does the phrase “personal space” have any meaning to you at all? Hell no, you may not rub my belly.

3. “Are you sure there’s just one baby in there?” Positive, ass wipe.

4. “Wow! You still have a ways to go!” You want to tell that to the foot jammed in my ribcage, and my inability to sit/stand/lay down comfortably? Or the fact I have been dealing with this for 33 weeks? I mean, thanks for not blurting out that I’m as big as the broad side of a barn, but I really don’t need to be reminded that I’m not at the finish line quite yet. I’m very much aware of just how many days I have until my due date. Thanks.

5. “You are going for a natural birth, RIGHT?” I don’t remember asking for your opinion, but, okay. I will make every effort to make sure to do what you think was right for you, during my birth.

6. “Isn’t it hard working while you’re pregnant? Shouldn’t you be resting?” Yessss. It is hard. It kills my back. I feel awful. But not all of us are financially stable enough to afford to take time off work when pregnant.

I intend on working until my water breaks (which will probably happen at work).

7. “You know, ____ is bad for the baby.” (*insert horror stories about everything here*)

Coffee, soda, hair dye, GMOs, McDonalds, pizza, nail polish, sandwiches, standing too long, sitting too long, green tea, exercising, not exercising, etc. etc. etc. Apparently all these things are making me a horrible mother already because I do not abstain from almost everything on the planet.

8. “Are you planning on breast feeding?” Would you randomly ask someone in the grocery store if they wax their vagina? Because that’s the same level of personal that we’re dealing with here.

9. “You’re quite hormonal!” Okay, maybe I am just a little weepy/ragey/hormonal right now, but that doesn’t invalidate my thoughts and feelings, or mean that something isn’t important, just because I seem to be sobbing endlessly over everything. (The latest Budweiser commercial, for example.)

10. “I thought you didn’t want kids!” Thank you ever so kindly for the reminder of my inability to take a pill every day.

Basically, just hold the door for me and pass the damn chocolate for nine months.

Then leave me alone.